(Closed) More guest list drama! Sister's boyfriend?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Am I in the wrong?
    Yes : (67 votes)
    64 %
    No : (35 votes)
    34 %
    Special Snowflake (please comment below) : (2 votes)
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  • Post # 32
    Member
    7199 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @HappinessIsInDaisies:  Yes, this. Exactly. 

    I’ve been in relationships for 8 months or more that were NOT serious. But SO and I were serious after 3 months. It really depends on this particular relationship, and since she is OP’s SISTER (and not just some random guest), she can easily see how serious the sister considers the relationship. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    468 posts
    Helper bee

    @JoCoJenn:  My 22 year old cousin just brought his girlfriend of 6 mos to our grandfather’s hospital room, death bed and funeral.  My older cousin and I both brought our SO’s of 2.5 years  to these events as well.  Our SOs waited through the night with us and helped take care of our grand father when dying for months beforehand.  All three stayed to comfort us and our grandmother in her grief as well.  My SO also has showed up for random funerals of family to whom we are less close and important family b-day parties (including an uncle he had never met and I wasn’t close to about 9 mos into our relationship).  I can assure you it was no fun for him.  You are being undair.  I would be very upset if my SO wasn’t invited to a wedding of a close family member, and usually SOs do end up at boring family events.   

    OP, if your 21 year old sister has a serious boyfriend, you should probably invite him.  Its up to you to decide if they are serious.  If they’ve been dating for 2 weeks, forget about it.  If they are living together or have been together for a year, they should probably be invited.  I was suprised at how great my cousins’s SO’s were during my grandfathers death.  Just think of the invitees as spreading good karma for a future relationship with these people’s significant others, and thanking them for their, hopefully, future good deeds.  

    Post # 34
    Member
    3281 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Well, I can’t tell YOU what you should do. However, if it were me, I’d invite her boyfriend. We are having an even smaller intimate wedding (around 20 people total) and we have two people who are bringing SO’s that they don’t live with. Those people are their partners, though, and they take their relationships seriously, despite not being married/engaged/living together. Also, one of these SOs we’ve only met twice–but since she’s important to our friend, she’s important to us.

    We do have two siblings who are totally unattached, not even a casual SO, and they will be coming solo.

    My priority for my wedding was my guests’ comfort. If your priority is YOUR comfort, I think that’s a perfectly reasonable choice–I’m just telling you what OUR choice was.

    Post # 35
    Member
    363 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I was invited to my fiance’s cousins wedding in Toronto (2,000 miles away from us) when we were together for just 5 months. I love how his relatives that I’ve never met took our relationship seriously and included me as a guest at the wedding. Three years later, we are still together and are planning our own wedding. During the time that we’ve been together, I’ve always been invited to all of his friends/family’s weddings and the same vice versa. I would be really upset if a close friend or family member of ours decided to exclude one of us at their wedding. Also, we didn’t move in together until after 2 years because I wanted to live on my own and know what it’s like to be independent and be able to take care of myself before I live with him. However, our relationship was still serious and we (as well as our close friends/family) knew we were going to end up marrying each other.

    Post # 36
    Member
    858 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    @Penelopeee:

    Do I think it is appropriate for you to invite him? yes

    Should your sister just deal with the desicion you have already made? yup

    I can understand wanting a small wedding and if you invite him you might as well invite all of the other siblings significant others.  A year is a good amount of time to be dating someone exclusively.  It is possible that this could cause bad blood between you and him and possibly you and your sister.  You just have to choose your battles.  Personally I would just invite him and whoever else is dating my other siblings.

    Post # 37
    Member
    964 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @Penelopeee:  it’s your wedding, your way. don’t just give up and invite him because you think you have to. life’s too short, if I was in your position I wouldn’t be inviting him either. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    128 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    It’s your wedding day. You get to invite whomever you want. So long as you understand that guests get to decide whether they want to attend or not. Everyone has a choice. If having your sister there means more to you than not having her boyfriend there, then invite him. But if it means more to you that you know everyone there, don’t invite him but be open to your sister having an attitude and possibly not going.

    (Yeah, I still don’t know what’s so special about other people’s weddings that people go insane over them…)

    Post # 39
    Member
    2704 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @JoCoJenn:  Yes, typically the guest list is the easiest place to cut costs.  But that means taking a good hard look at your guest list and deciding if you really need to invite Great Aunt Bertha whom you haven’t seen in 10 years, or your father’s golf buddies, or everyone from your book club, or your FI’s pen pal from when he was 12, or give all of your SINGLE guests a +1.  Cutting costs at your guests’ expense isn’t the right way to go. If you simply can’t cut out anyone, then you start looking at cutting back on other things: flowers, dress, cake, food – maybe you go with just a simple cake and punch reception.  There are plenty of other ways to cut down your costs besides cutting your guests.

    Post # 40
    Member
    1827 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    when i was my husband’s girlfriend of almost a year i didn’t get invited to his brother’s engagement party, for similar reasons. i was so upset and i still am… 4 years later.

    i made sure that when i had my engagement party that the siblings could bring whomever they wanted. my brother-in-law brought his then-girlfriend. they broke up shortly thereafter and she is now married to someone else. so be it. i don’t regret the fact that she was there.

    Post # 41
    Member
    1030 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @MexiPino:  Exactly. My sister is really serious about her boyfriend of 6 months and i would not dream of excluding him from my wedding. I have only met him a few times but there is a good chance he will become my brother-in-law. She has dated many other guys for the same amount of time that she wasn’t serious about – and frankly if that were the case she wouldn’t have wanted to invite someone like that to my wedding! It’s a pretty serious move to bring a date to a wedding, not something you do with the person that you’re just having fun with. 😛

    With that said, I don’t know her sister. And there are always those few who think bringing your “f*ck buddy” to your siblings wedding is somehow acceptable… in which case OP would be more than justified to say no! haha

     

     

    Post # 42
    Member
    2515 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    @RunsWithBears:  but the OP didn’t say this is a cost issue. it’s a space issue. the restuarant only holds 37 people and her guestlist is 35 (i’m assuming that’s not including the bride and groom) so she has to keep the GL at 35. she doesn’t have the extra room for more guests. that’sa pretty small wedding so it sounds like they’ve already cut out the people that don’t need to be there. normally i would agree that the Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to be invited but in this case, i’m going to have say no to inviting him. if her other siblings were single, then he should be invited but it sounds like they aren’t so she would have to add too many more that won’t fit in the space.

     

    OP- maybe some people will rsvp with a decline. if so, then you should invite your siblings SO’s.

    Post # 43
    Member
    103 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I voted to invite the SO.

    1) I highly dislike the time frame stamp. My Fiance (then BF) was not invited as my guest to a wedding last fall. Yes we had only been dating for a few months, but who’s to tell me my relationship is “not serious enough” in their eyes? 

    2) Just because you’ve only met him a few times doesn’t mean he won’t be part of your family.

    3) I wouldn’t want to create any animosity or bad feelings at my wedding. It’s a happy time and I would never want anyone to be upset for a reason i could control.

    That’s just my 2…err…3 cents.

    Post # 44
    Member
    55 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    He should be invited. It doesnt really matter how many times you have met him or how close to him you are. The general rules are as follows:

    The SO is invited if…

    1. They have been together for more than 6 months.

    2. They are engaged or married.

    3. They are living together.

     

    Post # 45
    Member
    2704 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @calibee79:  My comment was in direct reply someone elses who referenced budget. 

    However, since it is a space issue and not a budget issue, it might be worth while to talk to the restaurant about adding more people or looking for a different venue.  The SOs really should have been included in the original guest list.  It’s not an ideal situation, but the OP made a mistake and she and her Fiance should do their best to remedy it.

    Post # 46
    Member
    508 posts
    Busy bee

    @calibee79:  “OP- maybe some people will rsvp with a decline. if so, then you should invite your siblings SO’s?”

    Agreed if she is otherwise comfortable with him. I forgot to include that concluding thought … If there ends up being declines, then maybe include him.

    I am not advocating that OP be rude about this to sister & her s/o at all … Rather, she should feel like she can stand by her own decisions. 

    @RunsWithBears:  I don’t recall when OP got engaged, started planning, and is getting married, but it could be that when she booked the venue and planned her list, this relationship was still too new to consider the added guest. I knew from reading OP’s first post it was a space issue, and increasing the space typically means increasing the budget, but that may not be possible or desired. And she was clear – she wants it small & intimate for her reasons. Regardless, a stake was put in the ground, a guideline for guests was established by OP, and she made her guest list accordingly. I do NOT believe she should have to cancel her venue and rebook elsewhere, possibly incurring additional cost, simply to accommodate her siblings S/O’s. Would it have been nice is space weren’t a problem, AND she didn’t specify wanting a small, intimate ceremony … Sure. But since she is paying, it is her day to design an intimate atmosphere to her & her FI’s pleasure, and since you cannot keep going back and forth once deposits are made, she needs to be able to make plans and stick to them. 

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