(Closed) More MOB drama – I'm beginning to ask myself why I put up with this.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

Why are you allowing your mother to talk to him like that? Just like it is a grooms reaponsibilty to stand up to his family when they treat the bride poorly, it is YOUR responsibility to make it 110% clear that your mother is not to talk to your future husband that way, and if she continues then you take the necessary steps to get your point across. 

Post # 4
Member
2715 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

If she goes off on him on the phone, he needs to say “you seem to be having some issues controlling your emotions.  Perhaps we can talk when you are calmer” and HANG UP.  If she does it in person, the two of you need to leave immediately.  Realistically though, he should not be communicating with her at all – why did she text him and not you?  If she tries to contact him again, he should not respond.  If she texts, don’t reply.  If she calls, don’t pick up.

As for her demands that you should back her and not your Fiance, that’s ridiculous.  It sounds like she still sees you as a child who she can control, not a fully grown adult capable of independent thought.  See her less, make it very very very clear that she cannot treat your Fiance like that and lay down some boundaries with consequences if (when) she stomps all over them.

Post # 5
Member
2715 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

OK, cross-posted.  If you’ve told her time and time again she can’t talk to him like that and it hasn’t made a difference, it’s definitely time for boundaries.  She’s not listening to you (or doesn’t care) so stop talking and start acting.  As I said in my previous post, if she says it on the phone, hang up (and don’t answer when she calls back).  If she does it in person, leave (or usher her out if she’s at your house).  You might get some useful advice on the DWIL board over at the babycenter website as well – those ladies are experts in this kind of thing.

Post # 7
Member
2715 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

It sounds like you have set clear boundaries; if she’s not respecting them, what are the consequences?  It almost seems to me like it’s time for you to block her on all forms of communication, or at least for your Fiance to.  Put her in a time out so you can de-compress and work out what sort of relationship you want with her going forward (if anything).  If she contacts you, black hole it.

Post # 8
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I feel for you. I have a similar mother and we’ve had an up and down relationship to say the least. My mom often expressed similar sentiments, that I was in somehow being taken away and even seriously said she might change her last name to my new last name (wtf) so she still belonged to someone. Did you grow up without a father present by chance?a lot of time single parents “parentify” their children so the emotional dynamic becomes that of two people in an equal partnership rather than the healthy parent-child dynamic, which can lead to this type of behaviour and disrespect of boundaries. I also would encourage you to look up borderline-personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic mothers. When I found this I felt like my life experiences were actually valid and I wasn’t just crazy. I know other posters are saying you must stand up for your fiancé and I do agree but being in a similar circumstance I understand the hardship (my mom would threaten suicide over small things). I’m sorry you are going through this, it is not easy. 

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