Post # 1
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
This is going to be pretty lengthy, sorry in advance.
It’s no surprise that my mother isn’t the biggest fan of Fiance, only because she feels like “he stole me away from her” and “he is a bad influence and uses me” – her words, not mine. Anyway so today, she had texted Fiance and told him to send my sister and I to get her dog this minute and take him on a walk. He explained that we were in the middle of chopping veggies so we could get dinner started and that we couldn’t do it but if she wanted to come pick my sister up then that would be fine. My mother went off – called him an SOB, and dropped a few F you’s, said that he was just using me and my grandmother and that he was just paying rent at HIS and I’s house and that he wouldn’t be on the deed once it was paid off, and that he was dead to her. He didn’t respond because he didn’t know what to say, but she did text me and told me that I need to get him in check or send him to curb and demanded to know why I didn’t take up for her and said that I value him more than I do her. I explained that it wasn’t unreasonable that I wouldn’t stop what I’m doing just to drive for 10 minutes to walk a dog when she and my brothers were home with said dog, and if it was that big of a deal then she could have picked my sister up or brought her dog up here herself. She was really mad that I wasn’t on her side, but Fiance wasn’t in the wrong at all and she can’t expect me to condone her behavior especially when she berates him like that.
Edit: I did let her know that she couldn’t talk to him or about him in that manner and that he is going to be part of this family regardless of what she says or does.
He stands up for me and I do the same for him.
Post # 2
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
Why are you allowing your mother to talk to him like that? Just like it is a grooms reaponsibilty to stand up to his family when they treat the bride poorly, it is YOUR responsibility to make it 110% clear that your mother is not to talk to your future husband that way, and if she continues then you take the necessary steps to get your point across.
Post # 3
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
Shoot4theMoon : I do take up for and this isn’t the first time she has been less than kind to him but this time was the worst. I have told her time and time again that she cannot talk to him or about him that way, he is going to be part of the family and obviously we are happy if we are getting married so her claims of him using me and my grandmother are out of line and are not true whatsoever. I’m at a loss of what to say to her now other than what I’ve repeatedly said, either she doesn’t get what I’m saying or she doesn’t care.
Post # 4
Member
2715 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
If she goes off on him on the phone, he needs to say “you seem to be having some issues controlling your emotions. Perhaps we can talk when you are calmer” and HANG UP. If she does it in person, the two of you need to leave immediately. Realistically though, he should not be communicating with her at all – why did she text him and not you? If she tries to contact him again, he should not respond. If she texts, don’t reply. If she calls, don’t pick up.
As for her demands that you should back her and not your Fiance, that’s ridiculous. It sounds like she still sees you as a child who she can control, not a fully grown adult capable of independent thought. See her less, make it very very very clear that she cannot treat your Fiance like that and lay down some boundaries with consequences if (when) she stomps all over them.
Post # 5
Member
2715 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
OK, cross-posted. If you’ve told her time and time again she can’t talk to him like that and it hasn’t made a difference, it’s definitely time for boundaries. She’s not listening to you (or doesn’t care) so stop talking and start acting. As I said in my previous post, if she says it on the phone, hang up (and don’t answer when she calls back). If she does it in person, leave (or usher her out if she’s at your house). You might get some useful advice on the DWIL board over at the babycenter website as well – those ladies are experts in this kind of thing.
Post # 6
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
KiwiDerbyBride : Thankyou for the advice and that’s what I’m at a loss about. We have set clear boundaries but she does not respect them whatsoever, she hardly ever contacts me and she only messaged him because I was busy getting dinner underway. She never is in contact with either of us, but talks to my sister all the time. We are at the point where if she shows up at our house unnanounced we will not answer the door and we will call the police – there was an issue with this when we had only been moved out on our own a month and it ended up with the police involved.
Post # 7
Member
2715 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
It sounds like you have set clear boundaries; if she’s not respecting them, what are the consequences? It almost seems to me like it’s time for you to block her on all forms of communication, or at least for your Fiance to. Put her in a time out so you can de-compress and work out what sort of relationship you want with her going forward (if anything). If she contacts you, black hole it.
Post # 8
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
I feel for you. I have a similar mother and we’ve had an up and down relationship to say the least. My mom often expressed similar sentiments, that I was in somehow being taken away and even seriously said she might change her last name to my new last name (wtf) so she still belonged to someone. Did you grow up without a father present by chance?a lot of time single parents “parentify” their children so the emotional dynamic becomes that of two people in an equal partnership rather than the healthy parent-child dynamic, which can lead to this type of behaviour and disrespect of boundaries. I also would encourage you to look up borderline-personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic mothers. When I found this I felt like my life experiences were actually valid and I wasn’t just crazy. I know other posters are saying you must stand up for your fiancé and I do agree but being in a similar circumstance I understand the hardship (my mom would threaten suicide over small things). I’m sorry you are going through this, it is not easy.
Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
aubreymer91 : Yes, my father left when I was nine, and I appreciate your kind words, I will definitely look those up! I love my mother and obviously I love my Fiance, I just wish that things could be civil between them at least.
Member