(Closed) More money or having your spouse around more, which would you choose?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Is this something that will be a permanent schedule or will the hours back off once he is established in his career?  I work a lot right now, whenever there is an open shift I take it.  I’m the newbie and being flexible with extra shifts looks good to my employers.  Plus we are saving for a house so every little bit extra helps.

Post # 18
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

My Darling Husband is a 70-90 hour a week employee! I don’t think his hours could actually double… But we make it work!

Post # 19
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Most likely having him around more, unless we really needed the money.  If he’s doubling his salary but doubling his work, it’s the same hourly rate essentially – that isn’t that great sounding to me!  If you really need the money, then I say deal with in the short term but have him looking for a job that has more reasonable hours with a better salary!

Post # 20
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’d rather have him around.  Could you get by if he went back to half the pay?

Before we got married, my now husband worked rotating 13 hour shifts.  Some weeks, he worked nights, some weeks days.  Some weeks he worked through the wekeend and others not.  It was a pain for planning things and he was so tired b/c his schedule was so wonky. 

We don’t have kids so it really wasn’t a big deal…I didn’t mind spending time with him at 2am if that’s the only time he had.  But if we did had kids I don’t know how it would work. 

Post # 21
29 posts
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Mrslovebug:  First of all, that’s nearly triple his income!  He is probably really proud of his new job, so tread carefully.  He probably views his new job as something he can do to show how much he loves and supports you and your family, so just be respectful of that if you’re discussing it.  (This has caused problems in friends’ relationships.)

For actually making it work–it’s going to be harder because you have kids, but I can tell you that I work 60-90 hours a week (it varies based on workload) and we always manage to spend time together.  For instance, we always have dinner together.  I usually take a break from 6-7:30 or so (my job is flexible, fortunately) to cook and exercise, then I work again after dinner while he reads and cleans up.  By 11 or so I’m usually done with work and we talk and watch TV until about 12:30 and get to sleep by 1:30.  We would both prefer to get a bit more sleep, but that’s just how it works.  I’ll also set an alarm for earlier if I know the next day is particularly busy, which allows me to get home for dinner.  It’s hard, but it can work. 

Post # 22
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If it’s a temporarily thing for a short while for the new born, I would let it go. 


However, if it is going to be a long term arrangement, you may discuss it with your hubby to see can he at least have the weekend off. If not, at least a Sunday off for the family 

Post # 23
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Mrslovebug:  Money – cus i’m doing it.

Now before you all go thinking i’m crazy let me explain.

My husband works two jobs. Averages a total of 60 hours a week – sometimes more sometimes less.

He really doesn’t make enough at his full time job. So he did need to get another job to help with our income so we could actually pay off some CC’s, save for a baby, etc…

He found a job doing basically what he loves. Its honestly his passion. Its part time nights and weekends (but not every night) And its going to be something he’s going to be doing for a while until hopefully one day that will be his full time job. 

Weekends he works 9-5:30 on saturdays and 11-5:30 on sundays… and usually 2 -3 days a week he drives straight from his fulltime job to his part time job and he doesn’t get home until 9. I havent seen much of him in 5 days and this weekend he’s working fri, sat, sun, and then again on tuesday.

We don’t do it because we want to spend lots of money tho and we definitely don’t do it without a plan for that money and a plan to make it not long term. Its a bit easier tho because when we have a baby he’s going to cut down his hours some at the second job so he will be home more when the babies born.

He can always find another job later. Why don’t you stick with this for as long as you can and save save save every dime you don’t need.

Post # 24
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

With those hours and the mention of Mazda, I’m having flashbacks of the period of time my husband was in the car business!

To share our story, most of the long hours he worked were before we met, but had taken a toll on him mentally.  After the relationship started to become serious, I let him know that it wasn’t what I pictured for my married life.  I wanted my husband to be around more than that.

He worked for awhile as a manager at a dealership with shorter hours, and then took another sales job in a different industry but he was required to travel a lot.  In the end, he decided for himself that it just wasn’t a mentally healthy line of work for him to be in, even though he was great at sales.  The obsession with getting his numbers and making the bonuses would actually lead him to work longer hours than required, and he was unhappy and anxious doing it, which was the biggest reason why he left.

From there he learned a trade and now works an honest 40 hours/week with occasional overtime or side jobs.  He makes much less money, which isn’t fun of course, but the potential is there to earn more as he becomes more experienced.  And more important than the money OR the hours, to both of us, is his happiness and pride in what he’s doing.  It’s like night and day when you compare his attitude when he gets home.

Post # 25
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I would choose time together. There are always years to make more money, but you can never get those years back when you missed out on watching your children grow up and being an active part of their life. BUT, many (most?) guys think differently. Guys have a provider mentality. Bringing home the most money possible is very highly valued because that is how they see themselves as providing for their families. It’s a caveman-esqe thing that seems to be pretty deep within their psyches.

Mr. LK and I had a pretty tense argument about 6 weeks ago regarding the extra hours he was voluntarily putting in at the office. He saw it as smoothing the way for a promotoion and more money in the future. I saw it as us being financially fine exactly as we are, and him taking away from DS and I for the sake of his career. We were both putting family first, but he was coming at that priority from a money perspective while I was coming at it from a time perspective. We developed a compromise plan and are working on implementing it so that we both feel like our priorities are met.

If I were you, I would give it 3 months to see how things play out. If you are having issues at that point in time, work together to define the issues, brainstorm solutions, and work together to implement the plan.

Also, since I posted about our issues on here, I got some really smart advice from other Bees that has helped me. Two popints in particular really helped me. 1. Wake-up earlier in the morning to have snuggle time in bed together before starting the day. Talking for 10 minutes or so is a really nice way to connect before the crazy begins. 2. Have LOTS of physical contact when you are together. Holding hands, couch cuddling, hugs…. make the most of the time that you have.

Post # 26
3229 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Mrslovebug:  That’s a tough one.  I’d always want my hubby over money but with kids thrown into the mix and you not able to work at this time, maybe it’s the best thing until after your LO is born and you’re able to return to work?  I hope it’s not a long-term position.  I don’t see how anyone could work those hours on a regular basis.  

Post # 27
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Mrslovebug:  if it’s a difference of 30k and 100k, I would pick the money if it can be a temporary solution. Living on a household income of $30k would be very difficult, and impossible in a lot of areas. 

Personally, I tend to value my free time more than money if it’s a question of free time vs luxuries.

I turned down an offer of $160k that would have required 80-100hrs a week and living in a different city, and now I’m staring at offers averaging $60-70k for ~50 hours a week. I’m happy with my decision because with my FIs income combined, we can live a comfortable life. The extra $100k would have been amazing for savings, but I wouldn’t want to wake up in 10 years middle aged, with a lot of money, and little life experience.

Post # 28
795 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Mrslovebug:  Ugh those hours stink 🙁

We chose more time together over more money. My Darling Husband could make 2-3x what he’s making in his career field but the jobs that pay that much would have him traveling 2-3 weeks out of the month. He is making less money but his job is so much less stressful and I know that I’ll have my husband home for dinner every night (except when something blows up at work which is rarely.) Being 21 weeks pregnant myself, I can’t imagine now if I never got to see my Darling Husband 🙁 So sorry you’re having to go through that. 

Post # 29
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Mrslovebug:  I see both sides.

You say at the expense of your marriage–you are receiving the opportunity of quality time over quantity time. Your marriage will only suffer if YOU let it suffer because of this. This doesn’t have to be a long term thing either, but he has been given the opportunity to make some seriously good money for the benefit of the family. There is a HUGE difference between 30K and 100K. Had it been a 10K raise or something I would have said forget it and take the time over the money, but 70K? That’s a big deal.

I worked retail, and yes, it was hard when I was working 65+ hours a week, but Darling Husband (we were just dating at the time) made the most of our time together so I could make money. It wasn’t idea, but we were put in a good positional financially when the time came for me to switch jobs.

I would let this go for a while. Once the little one comes along, I would revisit the issue. And you could even tell your husband now that this issue will need to revisited.

Post # 30
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Mrslovebug:  I think it’s a sacrifice worth making for the short term. I’d be more concerned about him not having time with the children in the future. Maybe he could do this temporarily until you start working again?

Post # 31
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Mrslovebug:  You two are in a tough spot for sure! I totally empathize with you, when Darling Husband & I first started dating he worked 7:00am-5:00pm m-f with one month on call for the year. (He would have to answer his phone any time it rang after hours, and it happened often.) Then he took a promotion that changed his hours to 8am-6pm with non stop on call after business hours. The only time he doesn’t answer his work phone is if we are out of the country or on vacation. (And then even on vacation he’ll check emails and make/take some business calls.) My Darling Husband manages the 2nd largest territory for his company and they are nationwide (all 50 states). He gets phone calls sometimes at 11pm, 2am, 4am…luckily they are usually quick, but none the less annoying. I know this isn’t a forever position, he’ll eventually transfer to a different department or promote & his responsibilities will change but for now it’s what we’ve got. 

I don’t know that I’d be willing to give any more of my Darling Husband to his job. His current position is better in the sense that it doesn’t have him acutally getting stuck working over night projects after a full day at the office but it has its drawback is that he’s “always on the clock” and is paid accordingly. With your Darling Husband taking this new position, I feel like it’s going to leave you parenting alone & that your 5 y/o won’t see dad during the week and barely see him on the weekends. Then there’s the new baby to factor in, who is going to help you while Darling Husband is gone 7 days/week? I think the extra money in the short term would be worth it but a 7 day a week job isn’t one that allows you much time for yourself or your family. I think the lower paying job that Darling Husband had plus a parttime retail job on the evenings/some weekends would be a better compromise then Darling Husband having to put in 7 days/week at the new job. When my aunt had her kids, they decided she’d be a Stay-At-Home Mom so her Darling Husband worked his normal teaching job m-f and then 3 days a week at a part time retail job. It was just enough extra income to help pay the bills but not too many more hours away from the family, plus he gave specific availbiilty to the part time job (mondays/wednesdays/fridays and Saturday or Sunday but not both). That way he knew he’d always be home tuesday/thursday evenings plus one weekend day. Best of luck to you all!

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