(Closed) more on the lovely ex- w. know what do you think?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: my SO's ex-w admitted to a mutual friend she is still in love with my SO, would you tell him?

    yes

    no

  • Post # 3
    Member
    330 posts
    Helper bee

    I wouldn’t say anything. It’s just heresay. You hear from your friend that the ex-wife is still in love with your SO, but your friend heard that from another 3rd party, not the ex-wife, right? I wouldn’t find it trustworthy. If the ex-wife does something you feel is crossing the line, I would bring it up with SO, but I wouldn’t worry about what people are saying.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2699 posts
    Sugar bee

    @tlr: I would just stay out of it. It is, essentially gossip. She may have purposely said that knowing it would get to you. She sounds like the kind of person that knows how to plant a seed. Don’t let her.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1763 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    After reading all your posts about the ex I think you are really the one with the problem here. You and your Fiance really need to work through these insecurities of your or this will eat away at you, and she is always going to be there. She will always be the girls mom, and she will always be in your life as long as you are maried to your Fiance.

    It seems the two of them have been able to maintain a decent relationship, which is honestly best for the children. Your Fiance has taken your side and limited communication with her.

    Post # 6
    Member
    10846 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Personally, I would tell my SO. But I say that based on my relationship with my DH and his feelings towards his ex. He needs to know where her intentions are coming from and make his own decisions. There was a time when DH’s ex seemed to be playing towards trying to start something up with him again, and when I pointed it out to him, he was completely shocked (guys are so unobservant) and did what your SO is doing and only answered texts/emails/phone calls regarding their son and ignored the rest.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3367 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    Having been the nice ex who was accused of being “too nice”, I’ve got to say I think it’s easier to villanize her.  He’s with you.  He chose you.  Whether she has romantic feelings or not has no bearing on your current relationship with him.  Gossip is dangerous b/c it may or may not be factual and creates drama, if only by messing with your emotions.  He’s already taken steps to respect your feelings, so I would put more importance on his actions than on what I perceive her intentions to be or what someone else suggests. 

    (ETA  I totally get your feelings, though!  And just when you think you’ve made peace with it, there it is again, as powerful as ever.  Hang in there…. time will tell and I hope you two can just enjoy your relationship w/o this on your mind soon!)

    Post # 8
    Member
    5540 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Well, don’t hate me for this, but you say you have known him 5 years, they have been seperated 4… and you are the reason he asked for a divorce? Do I understand that right? She may just think you are a homewrecker. Not saying you are at all, but she is still a human with feelings, not only the kind of crazy ex. 

    The other part is, if they have two kids, you are going to have to accept she IS going to be part of your life. That is just how it works if there are kids from another relationship before yours. I don’t think you should say anything because it is just gossip. It seems you have some jealousy issues that you need to talk with you SO about, but in this conversation, I wouldn’t make his ex out to be the villian because he obviously doesn’t think that at all. Leave her out of it and discuss the relationship between the two of you because he picked you, not her. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    6033 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

    i think you need to just let him know that any contact with her that does not involve the kids in some way makes you uncomfortable. Beyond that I would say that its up to you to deal with your insecurities and trust your SO to maintain appropriate contact with her. She will always be around, they have children together. So i would really think hard if this is the type of situation you are capable of dealing with. Some people are just not built to be with someone who has kids with an ex. I can tell you this though, it will not go over wellw ith him if your attitude towards her keeps up after he has done things within reason to limit his contact and make you comfortable. I know when My sons father was with someone else it was a complete deal breaker for that person to say anything about our dealings with each other. Of course we made sure the new person was ok too but the child and our interaction for him came first. She said something once, he addrssed it and then she came up with someone else she had an issue with and so on and so forth. Oh and i was accused numerous times of trying to get him back which was never the case. this can turn into a slippery slope for you very quickly so approach him in the least argumentative way you can.

    Edit: Also, I noticed you have known him for 5 years and they have only been separated for 4 and you were the reason he asked for a divorce. I could be wrong but I kind of feel like we are only getting part of the story here….

    Post # 10
    Member
    1561 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    None of this would worry you so much if you were completely secure in your relationship.  You aren’t, and you have said that you fear that your SO isn’t over his ex.  This is what you need to work on, maybe through counseling by yourself.  

    Post # 11
    Member
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    dont tell him, you said she is manipulative and so on so i think its another game for her. think about it why would she tell a mutual friend she is still in love with your SO? she knew it would get back to you somehow and thinks youll tell him. men hate to be nagged so if you tell him thats how it gonna sit with him and its gonna start messing with his haed and your relationship.

    be confident that he loves you and wants you, the last thing you want is a fight (shell take that and run with it) live your life like she is not there, when she is not there. when she is be nice and cordial and show her that you are not going anywhere by the confidence you show him and her. and stop bringing her up… every time you talk about her he thinks about her…

    View original reply
    @chasesgirl: she said that she is his first serious relationship.

    following their break up he had a rocky relationship for a year with an out of town woman and his ex-w never even met her. So I am his first serious relationship and the reason he asked her for a divorce and the only other woman he has ever lived with.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2191 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    View original reply
    @penguinsaremyfriends: <


    This! 100% This!

     

    You are the problem. I am “the friendly ex” and we all get along just fine. It is better for the children involved.

    You can’t tell him you aren’t going to be in a 3 way relationship and that 1 person has got to go because you know who is going to end up going???? YOU! 

    He is NEVER going to choose you over the mother of his children who can make his life a living hell and limit his contact with HIS children. 

    You really have to seek some help dealing with your insecurites our you need to remove yourself from the situation.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I voted ‘no’, don’t tell him.

    On the flip side – so you tell him.  so what?  He’s flattered, he thinks about her more, he feels sorry for her, etc?  

    It’s not going to make him ‘stay away from her’, like I think you think it will.  It’s not going to throw him into her arms either – but it’s not going to do you any good.

    I haven’t read your other posts, but it sounds like a relationship where an ex and kids are involved is not necessarily a good fit.  I think it’s trying in the BEST of situations and something I think you need to take a serious look at.  This woman WILL be in your life forever if you stay with him.  Those kids will grow up and she’ll be at graduations, weddings, etc etc etc.  It’s never ending.  If you do stay, you need to see that he picked you.  That he was with her and will always be connected with her.  The more you can do to be ok with that (and not worry that he’s going to run off with her) the better off your relationship will be.

    It’s the same in any relationship.  The more scared you are that something will happen, the more you cling and the more that drives the other person away.  Since you say you’ve never had this issue with other ex’s- my best advise is to do some introspection on why you are feeling like this.  If it really is solely that you feel the ex is trying to win your man back, then just let that sit and be happy that he’s chosing to be with YOU.

    Post # 16
    Member
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @Crisark: no she is right she dosnt have to be in a 3way relationship

    there comes a point where his ex has to respect her and their home… calling and texting him all hours of the night when she doesnt have to is disrespectful and annoying. and there is a line that needs to be drawn somewhere be friendly and doing things you know is gonna piss someone off is over that line.

    an i dont think she is trying to make him choose anyone but that is her man and her home annd she dose have some say so and he has to respect her and how she feels if he cares about her.

    his ex having a realtionship with him for the kids sake dos not mean a phone call or text in the middle of the night to tell him a joke that his nine year old said that day. an emergency i can understand but if its not that is disrespectful…

    and im sure you respect your ex time and space.

    The topic ‘more on the lovely ex- w. know what do you think?’ is closed to new replies.

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