(Closed) more on the lovely ex- w. know what do you think?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: my SO's ex-w admitted to a mutual friend she is still in love with my SO, would you tell him?

    yes

    no

  • Post # 17
    Member
    2190 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    View original reply
    @kunezerwa: I disagree. My ex and I share all kinds of things involving the children. 

    I may not send them in the middle of the night but I’m not going to text his wife before I text him or try to reach him. She isn’t the source of the children in that home, HE is. So, no, the ex doesn’t have to call her if she can’t reach him. She doesn’t have to talk to her at all actually. She made those children with him and if she wants to do nothing but talk to him and only him then that’s her choice. She didn’t choose who he is with now and she doesn’t have to deal with her at all if she doesn’t want to. 

    My ex and I also just send joke texts or chit chat, that doesn’t mean I want him. That means we have maintained a friendship for our children. 

     

    Edit to clarify: I am not saying her feelings aren’t normal for most in this situation. However, I am trying to shed some insight on what the effects can be if you challenge the mother of his children long enough. The father will almost always back up the mother of his children in the end, esp if they have a decent relationship. You don’t have to like it, but it’s true. She is his children’s mother and he will NOT let someone else come in and cause issues between them .I say that as a warning for her so she doesn’t end up with more issues than she has. 

    I wish no bad to come for you, OP, but I think you are on a dangerous road. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @Crisark: i didnt say anything about her dealing with her… your right she doesnt. but she does have to respect her and her home and if her doing some of the things she does is making her uncomfortable in her own home its wrong.

    she doesnt have to deal with but she has to respect her realtionship, home, time and space.

     and telling her that she is the problem is out of line… she is in titled to the way she feels and shud not be put down for it…

    Post # 19
    Member
    2190 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    View original reply
    @kunezerwa: We are going to have to agree to disagree. 

    I didn’t find her main point in the post to be involving what happens in her home. It was about her supposidly still loving him and how she doesn’t call her if she can’t reach him and things of that nature. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    3367 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    (edited)

    I think everything I was going to add has already been said… I think it’s a great sign that he listened to your original concerns and changed the amount of contact they have.  I’m an insecure woman (ugh, I hate saying it) so these types of fears are powerful for me too.  I’m all about honest and open communication, even if you’re overreacting (and that’s not for me to judge) as long as you are sharing how you feel… not accusing him of causing your reaction.  Try to find balance with how much is your own fear and how much is actually her behavior.

    Just to add:  My dad left my mom for my step-mom.  He adored my s-mom and wouldn’t have ended his “friendly” relationship with my mom for anything other than the real deal.  He was so in love with her, but he always defended and respected my mom, maybe more so because he left her the way he did.  He would never allow her to take any blame for anything, but it wasn’t because he had loving feelings for her.  Maybe it was guilt?  Maybe he was just a respectable guy doing the right thing.  I think my mom kept some feelings towards him, but not ones she would act on.  When my dad died, I was so, so thankful that he’d been able to have the relationship he did with my stepmom, even though it was tough at the time (when I was a kid).  The fact that they all kept it above board and behaved with decency and kindness makes me respect them all the more as an adult.  Not sure if that’s helpful… but I thought of it as I was typing to you. 

    Try to consider the big picture and not just this difficult detail.

    Post # 21
    Member
    9024 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    This woman is the mother of his children, so you just gotta find a way to deal with having her as part of your lives. Personally I think your trying too hard to find fault with the things that she does.

    Post # 22
    Member
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @Crisark: thats fine. but its about more than that and you and i both know it.Smile

    Post # 24
    Member
    1763 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    View original reply
    @tlr: I think is rediculous that you would expect her to call you. That would be so incredibly awkward. it is great that you are comfortable with that, but she clearly isn’t. When it comes to needing help with the children I can’t blame her for going to their Dad and then their grandparents. In the scheme of things those are the people that have been in their lives the longest.

    You also already said that he put an end to the texting, I am not sure what else you are looking for. They should be friendly and they should share information and things about their children. If the kids do something funny, they should be able to share that without you thinking that is infringing on your relationship.

    Post # 25
    Member
    520 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    @Crisark:  

    You can’t tell him you aren’t going to be in a 3 way relationship and that 1 person has got to go because you know who is going to end up going???? YOU! 

    He is NEVER going to choose you over the mother of his children who can make his life a living hell and limit his contact with HIS children.

    THIS.

    My mother was “the friendly ex.”  My dad had a couple of girlfriends through the years (when I was still a child/teenager) who did not approve of my mother still being around, AT ALL.  Even though there was me (a child) to consider.  Guess who’s still in the picture?  My mom.  Those girlfriends are long gone.

    My parents have been on friendly terms my entire life (since the divorce) and it worked out BEAUTIFULLY for me.  I think that it was really the BEST possible outcome for my well-being, as a child.  Even though I am now an adult they are still friends and speak often, although my mom has remarried and my dad has a girlfriend of 8 years.

    The ex is never going to disappear when she is the mother of his children.  That’s all there is to it.

    Post # 26
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee

    What makes you think that she’s so manipulative?

    Post # 28
    Member
    3367 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    View original reply
    @tlr:  Wow, there are so many variables to this type of situation…

    My mom and stepmom were friendly when they needed to be (graduations, weddings) but they never called eachother.  My ex’s new gf and I call/ text eachother and would probably be friends even if he wasn’t involved.

    I think you have to take assumptions and expectations out of it… and just allow the relationships to be what they are going to be.  If you trust him, it’s possible.  If she doesn’t want to call you, don’t read into it.  If she ignores your attempts to be friendly face-to-face… while I think that’s dumb on her part… it’s her call. 

    As long as your SO is listening to your concerns, that’s what I would put my energy into. 

    ETA:  I just read your last post.  TOTALLY AGREE.  This is how I approach my ex and his new gf, and personally, I want to know everything I can about the woman who is repsonsible for my children while they are with her.  But… again, you can’t control her choices, but I think you are going to go crazy trying to read into her actions b/c you can’t help but think the worst.  You are right and it would be so much better all around if she could bend too… but if she doesn’t, let it go and focus on what you can control.  Hugs to you!  I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this!

    Post # 29
    Member
    274 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    It is kind of ridiculous that she’s calling the kids’ grandmother when she can’t reach her ex, but that’s her choice.  She obviously doesn’t want much to do with you, and I would just accept that.  You can’t force people to do things your way just because it makes more sense to you.  Who knows, as time goes on, maybe the grandmother will get tired of it and suggest the ex call you.

    Post # 31
    Member
    3367 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    View original reply
    @tlr:  Wow, yeah… gotta agree with you there.  Seems like calling you would avoid so much extra work for everyone involved.  What if you just keep the phone near you and answer next time?  Just be casual and offer to pick the kids up…

    The topic ‘more on the lovely ex- w. know what do you think?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors