(Closed) more on the lovely ex- w. know what do you think?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: my SO's ex-w admitted to a mutual friend she is still in love with my SO, would you tell him?

    yes

    no

  • Post # 47
    Member
    2410 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

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    @tlr:

    You have had so much good advice on here, all I have to say on this is that you really need to work through your insecurity and jealousy where his ex is concerned. If you don’t the bitterness will tarnish your relationship and cause unnecessary problems for all involved. Based on your previous posts about her it seems like you want him to cut her out of his life entirely. I think that is actually quite cruel considering that tehy have children together. I hope you are able to find peace of mind and think about your wonderful relationdship with your man as opposed to focusing so much on his ex.

    Post # 48
    Member
    686 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Honestly, I’m in favor of you butting out of your SO’s relationship with the mother of his children. It doesn’t seem like she’s doing anything except trying to maintain a peaceful and amicable relationship with your SO so that they can parent effectively together and have a good relationship for their daughters.

    I don’t know why you seem to feel threatened by that, but you should potentially seek counselling to work on it. This woman is always going to be in his life- they have multiple children together and were married (really you should be thanking your lucky stars she isn’t some psycho who never lets him see his kids, etc.).

    I feel like from what you wrote that your friend told you that because it’s what you want to hear. You want to hear that she has ulterior motives for having this positive relationship with your SO so that you can essentially ban her from his life. If you love your SO you should seriously consider letting all this animosity towards this woman go- he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and frankly, I don’t either.

    Post # 50
    Member
    686 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

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    @tlr:

    I don’t think anyone was suggesting you split up their marriage and you’re a bad person or that you don’t want the best for his kids. Your reasons for disliking her just don’t make any sense (from what you wrote it sounds like, “I don’t like her because she is nice to my SO and doesn’t think to call me right away when her children are sick and she wants to speak to SO about it.”), and make you sound really insecure.

    Also, I don’t think innocent texts and establishing a positive relationship with her ex-husband means she’s crossing any boundaries. Also, how exactly are you blending them into a “loving family unit” if you’re trying to break-down positive family bonds to better suit yourself? If I’m being honest, that sounds selfish to me. You’re really making this into a problem in my opinion because you just want  reasons to discount her from your SO’s life entirely.

    I’m sorry you’re upset about this situation, but while we have little control over what happens to us, we have complete control over how we choose to react to it.

    Post # 51
    Member
    6003 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

    ok im going to be blunt here, and i probably will not be liked for my views on this. Ill preface it by saying that not everyone feels as i do and not everyone would agree with how my sons father and i handled thigns when he had a new someone, even a serious new someone.

    I do not feel like you are in the same grouping as they as the parents are. I do feel like you are doing right by being supportive of him and his parenting efforts and being good to his children. But bottom line? she owes you nothing. You may not be the bad guy but to her you are nothing. You do not deserve a reward from her or for her to be  going above and beyond to include you or anything simply because you are doing what you should be doing in being supportive and being a step parent. when you date someone with kids and its serious those things should be a given. I never included my son’s fathers SO’s in our dealings. it was up to him to deal with them. If there are boundary issues than that is something that you need to take up with him and only him and he is the only one who should be telling her whats appropriate and not appropriate. The ability to coexist and respect each other is something all adults should be able to do. I understand that you are wanting her to respect the boundaries you have for what is comfortable for you in regards to her contacting your SO. But again this is something he should be addressing with her. If he doesnt think its a problem and its not causing any real issues in your relationship I think that should be respected as well, within reason. find a middle ground where everyone is happy. I think y ou are concerning yourself far too much with what she wants to talk about and how often she wants to talk about it. in the grand scheme of things as long as you trust your SO and are confident that your relationship is solid I think thats all that should matter. While i dont agree with the ex contacting his parents (i hope i read that right lol) i also dont think she should be calling you either. her dealings should be solely with him. I am not meaning to attack or tell you that you are wrong but I know from my personal experiences with this how i felt being the childs mother and the ex and it was a struggle when jealousy came into play. So what if she does still want him. the only thing that should matter to you is who does he want? obviously thats you and thats what should matter, bottom line. I hope things smooth over and that you find some solution with him to make everyone as happy as can be. Good luck!

    Post # 53
    Member
    7362 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

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    @stardustintheeyes: ITA! OP is really commendable that you want to better relationship with her, honestly it is. But thats what I as an outsider sees. If she doesn’t see it as commendable….OH WELL. You not going ot get any validation from her and until you let it go its going to continue to bother you. She’s making it clear that she’s going to continue to not have relationship with you. You have to accept it. Life isn’t fair sometimes. Maybe one day she’ll come around in her own time, but don’t hope for it. Frankly, her calling the grandparents is defintely an extra, unecessary step. But thats what she chooses to do and until the parents tell her otherwise, its going to keep happenning. Set the boundries with you SO only, thats the only weight you have. And don’t tell him what she said, its a waste of time and energy. Good luck.

    PS… if your having “relations” put the phone silent 😉

    Post # 54
    Member
    3367 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    Maybe I’m too quick to read into things, but what I hear is that you are frustrated b/c in your mind, if she would relate to you somehow, that would ease your concerns about her still having romantic feelings for your SO.  That’s a seperate issue from dealing with the kids.  And it’s just emotions… it’s not right or wrong, just a way of making sense of feelings.  So, it is what it is.

    I also hear you saying that you want to be an equal parent.  You want to contribute.  You’ve paid the dues as the girlfriend and you are going to become the stepmom, and you’re ready to take that on.  You feel slighted. 

    If I’m wrong, I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions.  But what I hear after putting together everything you’ve said in this post and others is not “I’m jealous”, it’s “I’m being overlooked.”  I get that.  If you felt on level ground with her, you wouldn’t feel threatened by her.  So that is playing into how the whole situation feels to you.  You need to give yourself that level ground without her approval.  So what if she isn’t treating you as another mom, or as an equal (this has nothing to do with who came first and who is actually the mom… I share my child with his soon-to-be stepmom and if we’re arguing what’s in the best interest of the children, I wholeheartedly agree that a genuinly friendly relationship, if possible, between mom and smom is so important).  You have to feel secure with the knowledge that you would be willing to do more if and when she’s open to it.  She doesn’t have to acknowledge your role to make it a reality.  And you are not “less than” simply b/c she isn’t open to parenting with you.

    So, yes there’s some insecurity on your part… but I don’t hear it as outrageous.  And I appreciate that you want to have a bigger parenting role… bless you for that.  So many SO’s don’t want a damn thing to do with another’s woman’s kids.

    Just trust who you know yourself to be, who your SO obviously knows you to be, and stay open to the day when she is able to appreciate you (if ever). 

    Hope that made sense! 

    And for the love of Pete… put the phone on silent when you’re getting busy!!

    Post # 55
    Member
    7362 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

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    @jjmomma: Exactly! The only validation you need is from your SO. If he thinks your doing a kick ass job that should be enough. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to constantly be the “victim”. This is way too much energy for someone to have over you. If she’s being petty…let her. It reflects on her not you.

    Post # 56
    Member
    3367 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

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    @bklynbridetobe:  Yes!  And… all the more frustrating to be in OP’s position b/c her SO and his family adore her.  And probably rightly so.  There’s just a different dynamic taking place with OP and the ex, which is not an easy place to be right now. 

    PP’s advice to back-off is wise, because SO doesn’t have the same dynamic and he sounds like he’s doing his best.

    tlr~ you’ve gotten perspectives from all sides and it all has merit.  I believe you see that!  Stay flexible and do what you can without pushing too hard.  We can never really know what motivates someone else, so put your energy into what you are sure of… the time you have with the kids, your relationship with SO’s family, and SO… at some point the kids might start asking for you to pick them up!  Be open to the positive change that can take place without your forcing it. 

    (I wish it was a different situation for you… I really do!)

     

    Post # 57
    Member
    5891 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

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    @jjmomma: perfectly put!!

    Post # 58
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    I too was the friendly ex.  My ex-husband and I had a daughter together who is now 15.  After our divorce, my ex remarried almost immediately and had two more children with new wife.  I did not remarry until 9 years after our divorce.  Things were friendly at first, but over time, new wife became more and more hostile to me and confrontational which rubbed off on my ex.  It came to the point that while we had no child custody issues for the first few years post-divorce, we ended up in a court battle about 18 months ago (when my daughter was 13!) – with them alleging that they were her “real” family because I wasn’t remarried and I worked full-time as a lawyer.  It was disgusting and very expensive and actually didn’t end up that great for me.  But it was very clear that the breakdown in communication between my ex and I was directly related to her obsessive insecurities (which were evidenced by dozens of crazy emails and texts to me).  New wife also engaged in some very serious psychological warfare on my daughter that I believe has caused some permanent damage. 

    Then in a crazy twist of fate, my ex unexpectedly died a few months ago.  New wife now believes that MY daughter should now live with her and the girls.  Unbelievable.  I have set up a schedule to allow my daughter to stay over there 1/3 of the month which is a much more generous schedule than they proposed for me, her mother!  However, new wife refuses to be civil and sends crazy emails/texts so my poor DH now has to be the liaison for communication. 

    I guess long story short, you have to be the bigger person in all of this because this woman is always going to be his life.  Your relationship with the ex is going to affect the children. And to answer your question, no, I wouldn’t tell him.  As PPs have said, it’s all heresay and can only serve to stir the pot.  You don’t need that.

    Post # 59
    Member
    7362 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

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    @mkendrick: WOW! That is outrageous. Its defintely not always the “ex” thats crazy and unreasonable, the current wives can be to.  I don’t know you have dealt with that. Best of luck. Only 3 more years of this foolishness.

    Post # 60
    Member
    343 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    You’re giving this person too much power over you. Why does someone he is clearly not with and has clearly chosen you cause you so much concern? You can’t control what other people do but you can control what you do. If he give you no reason to question his feelings for you then stop questioning them yourself. Like it or not she is in his life forever because of those kids as long as he only contacts her for the kids and deals with her for the kids, you should life your live and enjoy your SO before you become so insecue you drive your SO away. It is of no concern to you or him if she is in love with him only if he i still n love with her.

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