(Closed) More Plus 1 Drama..am I an A$$hole??

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

Hard and fast rule-

Couples who are married, engaged, or living together are considered a social unit and cannot be broken. This applies regardless of who they will know at the wedding.

Post # 4
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

You could search the topic on here too, there are alot of different feelings about this.  I would think that if you haven’t met the B/f prior to the wedding, why would your wedding be a good place to meet?  there are some crazy stories here about people writing in the plus one’s on response cards, and even just showing up with their plus one.  People are nuts.

Post # 5
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

You must include +1 if the couple is engaged or married.  Other than that… it’s really up to you how strict you are.  But I do suggest you pick a clear line and stick to it.  Don’t just pick and choose because there will be hurt feelings.  For us, other than people who are engaged or married we only allowed +1’s for our wedding party.  (We did invite some non engaged couples if it was a situation where we were good friends with both halves of the couple)

Post # 6
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m using the married, engaged, or living together rule.

I will also relax the rules for the wedding party and offer them a plus one if they want it.

Also, one of my BMs is in a very serious relationship and I know her bf well. They are not living together, but she would be getting a plus one whether or not she was a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

There are also some older family friends who have lost their spouses. I will let my parents tell me if they should get a plus 1 or not.

Post # 7
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

belle has the hard and fast rule!

i’m adding +1s for a few people who are traveling and don’t know many people at the wedding, but that’s not a requirement so if your budget can’t allow it don’t worry. the only people who require a +1 are the ones in belle’s list.

Post # 8
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

for our wedding, we ONLY allowed +1s for engaged, married, living together.  we paid for the whole thing ourselves and no acceptions were made.  however, we had no shows and crashers… so plan as you might, some things will just be beyond your control the day of.  make the invites +RSVP cards very clear, call people that you are worried may show up with their new Boyfriend or Best Friend of 2 weeks, and hope for the best 

Post # 9
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Belle2Be:Agreed!  This is exactly what we did.

Post # 10
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I allowed everyone a plus one…

Post # 11
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m using this rule:  If neither Fiance nor I knows the +1, and the +1 is not married or engaged to an invited guest, then they aren’t coming.  Sorry, we want everyone at our wedding to be people we know, because it will be pretty intimate (mostly family guests).  You really have to be pretty ruthless about this issue, and explain that you just can’t afford to invite +1’s you’ve never met before.  To avoid people writing in +1’s on the RSVP cards, you could do what I’m doing and have people RSVP through your wedding website, where there is no possible way to write in extra names.

By the way, the problem that I see with the “married, engaged, and living together only” rule is that Fiance and I have a lot of friends who are couples that do not fit into any of the above categories.  So we are going to have a lot of non-married/engaged/living together couples there, because they are our friends.  That’s why I added the “if I don’t know you, you’re not coming” addendum, to explain the exceptions to the traditional rule 🙂

Post # 12
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

We used the married, engaged or living together rule and bridal party. However only one person in our bridal party (my brother) brought a date who wouldnt have been invited anyways. We also allowed +1s to a few people who were traveling from across the country and we thought it would be nice if they were able to travel with someone. The one person brought her boyfriend of over a year who I had met before and the other person brought a mutual friend from college so it worked out really well.

Post # 13
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I gave the option for a plus 1 for all my guest & I had a strict number we couldn’t go over.

Due to this number and inviting plus ones, I was more picky about who I invited initally.

Post # 14
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

There is a thread I read a few days ago about this. The original thread is: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/guests-calling-and-asking-to-bring-dates-am-i-overreacting/page/2

Here is a snippet of what I wrote: 

On our invites, if their was no date, we of course addressed to: Mr. Friend Friend. On the RSVP we put a line that said “We have reserved ______ seats in your name” and put a 1 in the blank for those guests. 

We got 27 back (of the 30 that weren’t supposed to have dates) that had either had been filled out with 2 (or more!) names on the m___________ line, or that had a note with the RSVP saying, “I hope you don’t mind but I invited “girl” from work/school/church/a random bar as my date. Don’t worry about counting her, though! She won’t eat a thing!” And for all of these people, Fiance and I had never heard of, much less met, the supposed date. 

Arghh!!!!! The reason we needed a guest count was not because of the food (although at $100, 27 extra people is RIDICULOUS) The biggest reason is because our ceremony location only fit a certain number of people, and I knew about 95% of our families would reply with a yes. Had I wanted them to all bring dates, I would have either chosen a different venue or narrowed down my friend list. 

______________________________________________________________

Point is, no matter what steps you take, you will still have rude / oblivious people who don’t get that they can’t bring a date. Stay firm til the very end about the policy and don’t budge. If they just show up anyway, breathe and try not to let it bother you. Then, if they have a problem getting a seat, getting food etc, kindly remind them this is why you set a date policy in the first place!

Post # 15
Member
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I agree with the married/engaged/living together rule.  I will likely also include plus ones for people who are in longterm, serious, committed relationships.

I think it’s a very nice thing to also include plus ones for people who otherwise won’t know many people (or anyone!) at the wedding.  Although it’s your day, it’s also time that your guests are devoting to you, and it will be MUCH more enjoyable for people if they know at least one other person there.  Nobody likes being at a party alone.  I think it’s just common courtesy to allow them to bring a friend/date.

However, my single friends/family who will know other people (i.e. they’re part of a group of friends of which everyone will be there) will have to deal with being single.  They won’t be alone, and I’m not going to pay for someone random who will bring no more benefit for the invited guest than he/she would have otherwise.

Post # 16
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We allowed everyone over the age of 18 a +1. We had a small venue and it was a stretch, but Darling Husband and I dated for 7 years and never lived together, and I knew I would have been upset if he were invited to a wedding without me during that time. We didn’t want to upset any of our guests in that way.

However, we did talk to our friends and family who were not in serious relationships and reiterated the fact that we had a very small venue, and we hoped they wouldn’t bring a random date just to “fill a seat”. We didn’t have any dancing, and they were with all of our other friends, so it wasn’t so uncomfortable to be there alone.

We ended up only having 1 friend who wasn’t in a serious relationship bring a date.

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