Post # 1
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
I just came back from my friend’s party, and while I was there, she introduced me to a friend of hers and mentioned that I was getting married in a few weeks. Then she said, “R (my first initial) and her FI have really been one of those couples who have worked really hard to make things work. Given all the things R told me, I first thought — uh oh, this is a tough one. But they have always found a way to work through things.”
In the past, I’ve confided in her several times — and yes, my FI and I have had our ups and downs. But I was completely mortified when she told the above to a complete stranger. It made me feel embarassed — like FI and I shouldn’t be getting married or have a crappy relationship.
I know she meant it as a compliment, but I was very embarassed. I want to say something to her, but not sure what I should say. (She’s also invited to the wedding, by the way.) Advice?
Everything I told her, I was really hoping she would keep in confidence. By the way, she said the same thing to her mom in front of me.
Post # 3
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
I don’t think she said anything personal and don’t think she meant to be rude. I’m sure the stranger can care less.
Post # 4
Member
6365 posts
Bee Keeper
Hmm she is either unthinking and clumsy in what she says, or intentionally rude. That does come out like a backhanded compliment, you have a right to feel offended. The big question: did she mean to offend you or is she just socially awkward?
Post # 5
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
@joya_aspera: I don’t think she intentionally meant to offend me — I do think it was a socially awkward comment. I think she was trying to say that she admired the way we are able to work through our difficulties. But it’s airing our dirty laundry that we have difficulties — and right before I’m getting married, well, I didn’t think the timing was so great.
I’m just afraid she’ll do it again, and I’ll go through the whole loop of embarassment.
Post # 6
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
@SamanthaLovesJames: Really? I interpreted the “this is a tough one” to mean that she wasn’t sure we should be getting married.
Post # 7
Member
6365 posts
Bee Keeper
@36goldfish: Since she is genuinely naive as to how it comes across, I would just gently take a moment to ask her not to mention that to people anymore, as you feel it’s personal and private.
Post # 8
Member
7494 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Let this be a lesson that you shouldn’t tell your private business regarding your relationship with friends! They will be much less forgiving of your SO than you are.
I would probably let it go unless it keeps happening. Then I’d tell her that you feel like she’s airing your dirty laundry.
Post # 9
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
@joya_aspera: Yeah, I’ll have to do that — I’m not very good at the assertive stuff. How would you word something like that, to do it in a gentle way?
Post # 11
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
@Cory_loves_this_girl: Yes, you’re right — my friends are good listeners and give very good advice, so it’s tempting to share with them. In the past, I’ve been very open about the relationship problems Im experiencing. But I think, going forward, I probably only need to share that with my FI and a therapist, if I need one.
Post # 12
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
@MlleFabuleux: Definitely need to use more discretion. : / Why is it so hard to find a good confidante?
Post # 13
Member
6365 posts
Bee Keeper
@36goldfish: I guess kinda like I just did, but I’d choose my moment and tone (lighthearted tone in a moment where we’ve got like a good bonding vibe going on).
Post # 14
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
@36goldfish: Because people can be so…capricious. I am incredibly reticent when it comes to trusting people since I have been burned by people I thought were genuine (and I have found this to be a necessary protective measure since I am inclined to to trust too easily). BUT I do cherish those that have shown themselves to be open-hearted, sincere, wonderful individuals.
Take heart. They are out there. 🙂
Post # 15
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
@36goldfish: I think your friend even stating ‘after all the things R has told me’ is a huge breach of confidence. It would have made your FI wonder what’s been discussed, and the stranger thinking that’s too much information to share with someone they’re meeting for the first time! There were so many other things she could have said as part of her introduction, like ‘this is [name] and [name], who are getting married this month!’
Post # 16
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
It seems like it was not ill-intended but a bit clueless. Could she have also been a bit buzzed? Talk to her about it if you’d like and just let her know that while you know she meant well, it made you uncomfortable that she’d share personal details about your life with a stranger.
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