(Closed) Most days I want to call off the whole wedding ordeal

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Sounds like my EX husband, really.  He has issues with his OWN SELF and takes it out on you.  Nothing you do will ever be good enough for your fiance.  You need to know this now before you do marry him.  The whole kid thing too, really?  I hope you don’t want kids, cuz he obviously doesn’t.  Run sweetie, run! 

Post # 17
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@FabFitFinds: Wow. My heart breaks for you, and I agree with just about everything the PPs have said. It sounds like he’s always been like this, and no one faults you for trying to look past it at first. But the truth is that he is who he is, and this is the life you’re looking at if you stay with him. Do you want this for the next 50 years? Do you want this heartache every single day, never feeling like you can make a mistake?

I can understand one or two OCD tendencies, but his sound ridiculous. The other ladies seem right…it’s abusive emotionally and mentally – not just OCD.

My suggestion would be to do your last bit of soul searching, think about all of the stuff you just told us, and resolve to leave him once and for all. Whether you write him a note explaining all of the things you can’t handle or tell him to his face, I think he really needs to hear it. These things are NOT okay. Not to anyone else, and certainly not to his fiancee. But he either will never change at all, or he’ll never change until you truly do leave.

After you make your decision, pack up your stuff and call a friend. Ask her to come over and help you move your stuff out. I know you said you stopped hanging out with your friends, and that’s a huge red flag. He managed to isolate you from one of the large parts of your life. But if any of your friends is a true friend, she’ll be over right away to give you strength. You could turn to her or squeeze her hand when he starts begging you to stay. It sounds like you just let yourself get talked into staying…and maybe she’d be able to help you through it.

Best of luck with everything. I think you really need to leave for your own happiness. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, and from not even being attracted to him anymore, sounds like there’s nothing that should keep you there. Without him, you’ll have your friends, your family (and darling nieces), your job, a decent living and salary, and then one day a man who will love you for who you are.

Post # 18
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It is a reason why he has a ex wife not gonna get better.

Post # 19
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry you are in this situation.   Remember, engagement also means that you are moving towards marriage, but no one HAS to get married because they are engaged.   If he is not a partner and not respectful of you and your family, I can’t imagine things ending well.

You deserve so much and I would hate for you to settle for someone who will not bring you totally happiness.

Post # 20
Member
4886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yeahhhh, I think it’s time to leave this douchelord once and for all.  Free yourself.

Post # 21
Member
1831 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@FabFitFinds: I recommend leaving for the day for work as usual and then coming back to the house after you know he’s gone and packing your things and leaving. It sounds like he’s really hurtful and even got physical (you say he pushed you out and slammed the door on you) when you try to leave. So do it when he can’t hurt you. I know that’s non-confrontational but I think that’s what’s best for your safety. Make sure if he wants to meet to talk about it you make him meet you in a busy, public place (coffee shop, restaurant) so that he can’t try anything (verbal or physical). Best of luck!

Post # 22
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

OCD aside – he sounds like a narcisist, who is always right and better than everybody around him. I knew someone like that and at the core of his behavior was insecurity. He knows, therefore, how to manipulate you to stay with him and feed his ego. But manipulation is not love. I don’t think this is a healthy relationship at all and to be honest, counceling or not, it seems like you need some time to find yourself. I would leave…I think you need it to remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be. You deserve much better than that and he needs a serious reality check. 

Post # 23
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

wow, your last post really got to me, its exactly what my ex used to do to me. He would kick me out,sometimes at 3 or 4 in the morning, and as I was in a strange town,away from all family and friends, I would have nowhere to go. An hour or so later he would call me to come back,and act like he was doing me a huge favour and that I should feel honoured that he would want me back. He would cry and beg for me to stay and not leave when I arranged to get picked up from my mum the next day (at a reasonable time)I would feel sorry for him and fall for it and stay, and then a few weeks later it would start all over again.

Yes,its humiliating and heartbreaking,but I would so strongly suggest that you get the hell out of there,and get yourself safe and supported with friends and family. This is very controlling and abusive behaviour.

Hugs to you hun,stay strong and get safe

Post # 24
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

OP, I”m sorry if this is too direct, but RUN!!

My FI’s father was like this in his younger days, partly due to diagnosed OCD, and partly b/c he had some other issues. He has been married 3 times, and I can tell you that all 3 marriages, including his current one, have been miserable. Nothing is ever good enough, and nothing ever will be. His constant badgering and OCD behavior has literally driven others crazy.

 Run, run, run, and don’t look back. You need friends in your life, you need to be able to go out and do things with your Fiance and not feel isolated, you need to be able to park your dang car and move on with life!

Best of luck…stay strong!

Post # 25
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Red flags, red flags, red flags!  These are signs for you to do exactly what you feel like doing “calling off the whole wedding ordeal”.  You obviously are not happy and it will not get better after a wedding.  It does not matter that dresses have already been purchased.  This is your life we’re talking about here.  It will be hard, but you already know what you want and IMO need to do. 

Post # 26
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I didn’t read every post but from what I did read I agree with most people: RUN,RUN, RUN and never look back. My first husband started out like this too once we were engaged. After we were married it got much worse. Your Fiance is showing classic signs of an abuser IMO. He is already isolating you from your friends and family, fighting with you and cursing at you then being sweet and nice and making it up to you, etc. I bet you sometimes apologize for his behavior because he is so good at turning the argument around on you. I am afraid that once you are married your fighting will turn physical and you will have no one to help you because he already isolated you from your support network (family and friends.) I suggest contacting a counselor for yourself to find ways to cope and to start an exit plan if you feel you need help in leaving. Then find a real man who knows how to treat a woman and will give you all the love that you deserve, No one deserves to live their life like that and chances are very slim that he will ever change. Good luck to you.

Post # 27
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with what everyone else has said.

This guy sounds a lot like my Ex, who was diagnosed OCD. He had a bit of a thing about humiliating me in front of others and making me feel like everything was my fault. He basically made me feel so small that I didn’t think I could make it by myself, or that anyone else would want me. So it took me AGES to leave him, but when I finally did I realised I should have done it a LONG time before. I then got together with the guy who has recently become my Fiance, who is SO different it’s scary. What this guy is doing is NOT NORMAL OR ACCEPTABLE! In my opinion – Run!

Also – Be careful when you break up with this guy. Make sure you make it VERY obvious that there will be no chance of you guys getting back together. My Ex rang me EVERY DAY for 6 months after we broke up to try and convince me to get back together. In the end I had to change my phone! If he is OCD there is a chance he will get obsessed by it and form an obsessive routine around it. If you need to talk it through with him, make it clear and simple and do it somewhere public so it can’t get nasty.

You are worth more than this, Be strong for you.

Post # 28
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was in a similar boat and it took me 2 years to finally get out. I lost my job shortly after we bought our house so I was financially dependant on him. The first sign was when he threw a bag of candy at me on Halloween because I told some of the kids that they could have more. We had 10 trick or treaters and three bags of candy. Of course they could have more, except whatever was leftover was to go to him. This was three months after we moved in together and I wrote it off. The least little thing would send him into a rage. I would have to tell my son to go into his room at night when he got home from work so that he wouldn’t upset him. I ended up leaving him while he was at work and I had friends with a moving truck and we packed 90% of my stuff up while he was not there so that he could not objext. I was terrified he might actually hit me at that point. He threw things at me and screamed whenever he got truly upset.

Several other people have given their experiences. It does not get better. It only gets worse. My ex tried for months to get me back and even went to counseling. But it was too late and there was too much damage done.

 

Post # 29
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

OP, my heart breaks for you.  (sorry haven’t read the previous posts, so forgive me if I sound redundant).

My would-be wedding was slated for 19 days from now.  Every day I thank my lucky stars for being able to see the signs BEFORE calling it off.  Was it hard?  YES.  Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  Did it hurt?  YES.  And some days, my heart still hurts.  But, I am so much happier knowing I did what was right for me.

I read your post and it I get chills.  My ex was nowhere near as controlling as yours, not even close, yet I can see where I, too, was compromising who I was for the relationship.  I know women who are married to guys who are diagnosed OCD – and while some are able to manage their behaviors, some of the guys are controlling and abusive, such is the situation you find yourself.

If you choose to stay, please promise to seek counseling together and for yourself.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve more than what you’re getting now.  If you choose to go, I guarantee you that you will be doing the right thing for YOU.

Post # 30
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@FabFitFinds:

Honestly, I couldn’t even read your entire thing because it’s obvious your relationship needs professional help or, what I think, it needs to be over.

You should not be feeling all these ways about your future husband, and of course no relationship is perfect, but this is on another level.

You want to spend the rest of your life feeling this negative, unhappy way? And plus your wedding is next year.

Live, grow, and have fun — sorry to say I don’t think he’s the right one for you. Life goes on.

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