Post # 77
I nearly threw something I had in my hand at my Fiance after I got upset because of a joke over a bag of veggie sticks. I did not throw said object ha, but rather shut the door.
my Fiance has the “lastname family curse” where his family starts snickering and smiling at the start of an argument. And as furious as it makes me I also laugh at the same time, so it works out and deflects an argument!
Post # 78
Fiance and I swear aaaaall the time so that doesnt eveb count in arguments… but our biggest fight was over how he wasnt taking care of himself properly (type 1 diabetic). I told him if he disnt have his shit together by the time our lease was up I was going back to chicago bc I wasnt going to set myself up to be a widow at 50. I also told him that if he kept on like he was, he was going to die young just like his father did and he was going to put his children through exactly the trauma that he deals with daily. Then not long after I said it wouldnt even matter bc I wouldnt have children with him if he was going to keep being a bad diabetic.
The promise of leaving still stands, especially cause he has fallen off the wagon lately and we havent done any planning… but this time I was LOW and said I deserved better than someone who actively choses to shorten the time he will have with me. Ouch.
Needless to say we are working on a plan to get him into better routines. I dont feel bad though cause its all true and he has yet to do better at caring for himself.
Post # 79
@windofadream: Ahh! If my husband started giggling during an argument I would get even more pissed! You’re lucky (he’s luckier) that it simmers dien the argument instead of escalating it!
Post # 80
Years ago, we had both been drinking and had the biggest fight we’d ever had which ended up getting a little physical to which I responded by hitting him over the head with my GHD.
He was okay but my poor hair straightener was in two pieces.
We both realised how awful that fight had eventuated and nothing like that has ever happened since. We both grew up a lot after that fight.
Post # 81
I actually said “because I’m your girlfriend and that’s why”. That logic didn’t work on me when my parent’s used it so I’m not sure why I was thinking it was going to work on an adult man.
Post # 82
Ehh I disagree with people who think that everyone screams and acts irrational when arguing, or that a relationship between people who aren’t calling each other names, yelling, etc isn’t passionate.
I’m a very logical person. If my Fiance is mad I would rather him just explain whats wrong and then tell him my side of the story. Yes, there is tension. We get short/snarky with each other and sometimes we just need some space away from one another. To me, what does screaming/name calling accomplish? It doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t make him feel better. It doesn’t solve the problem. It usually just makes both people more upset. No one is saying that because you don’t have raging arguments that your relationship is perfect. No one is saying that because you don’t yell/name call that you don’t fight. Everyone fights.
I’m not passive aggressive in arguments at all. I’m very direct. My stepfather is the king of passive-aggressiveness. Going from my mom & my dad (very aggressive, huge fights) to my mom & my stepdad (passive aggressive, silent treatment games) I experienced polar opposite styles of fighting. I don’t like either of them. Again, I don’t feel like that solves anything.
I have had blowout fights with people. I would never want to fight with my Fiance like that. I don’t envy that process at all.
Post # 83
Ahh, Fi and I had a terrible relationship. We were passionately in love, but like fire and water. Things have gotten physical a handful of times (we’re both women, not that it makes it okay, but yeah). And by physical I mean that I’ve slapped her or she’ll grab me, but ironically her being handsy turns me on, so it kinda acts as foreplay. HA.
That hasn’t happened in a while, we don’t fight that much any more these days. But when we do there’s cussing and storming out of the room. I am such a brat that sometimes i’ll get really calm and tell her that “i’m not arguing, because I clearly am the calm one.”
We’ve grown a lot, we’re not perfect though. I am still a huge brat and i’m sure if I told everyone the really crappy things i’ve done I would win ‘world’s worst Fiance.’
Post # 84
We have both yelled and sworn… and stormed off and slammed doors… it’s happened. He threw an empty pepsi bottle once. (Not in my direction, just in general.) I threw my phone once. (I learned not to do that again hahaha way to punish myself.)
I think yelling/swearing is bad. He thinks it’s okay but tries to avoid it so I don’t get (more) upset. But we both do it occasionally. I guess that makes me the worse person since I think it’s bad and sometimes do it anyway and he only tries not to do it for my sake, no internal conflict.
Post # 85
While I have no interest in drama (I actually have a 5ft away from me and not involving me rule), some people thrive on it. As long as it works for both people, who am I to judge what’s right or wrong?
I can’t imagine living in an enviroment where people scream, yell, curse, throw things, make threats, whatever… but that’s me.
My home is my refuge, my safe place.
Not that Darling Husband and I agree on everything or never argue, but we do it quietly. Usually holding hands (DH started doing this and I think it’s pretty amazing). I think it started when he needed more time to think before he spoke, and that way I knew he was there, with me and working on it. Because for us the goal isn’t working out anger or angst or hostility or frustration, it’s getting to where we have a solution we’re both ok with when originally we’re on different sides or from different viewpoints or have different wants.
Post # 86
@BearyLovely: I’m gonna say giving him the ring back over a really stupid fight was my most irrational moment. Luckily he recognized this and gave it back to me 2 days later when I had turned back into myself.
Post # 87
@BearyLovely: Honestly, I’m not a screamer or a very angry person at all. We’ve only argued once or twice that was somewhat serious and I do remember crying very loudly and walking out of the room.
@inky_1: I had just gone on birth control too.. honestly hormones are so out of whack at the most random moments lol.
Post # 88
@iarebridezilla: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be nitpicky but I have to strongly disagree with this statement:
“I also think there’s a big difference between the kinds of things you do every time you fight, and something you’ve done once. If I slapped Darling Husband on the regular, I’d be abusive. But slapping him once, years ago, when he REALLY deserved it? That’s just establishing boundaries.”
It just makes me think of some of the threads on here where, say, a Bee has been grabbed firmly on the arm by her boyfriend or husband or whatever and then the entire Hive is straight on the “break up with him”/”leave his abusing ass” bandwagon. I don’t think physical contact on any level is at all acceptable, regardless of gender. Can you imagine the uproar if someone cut and pasted that statement from a male point of view, in a place like this? “But slapping her once, years ago, when she REALLY deserved it?”
Not categorising or making uninformed judgments about you, iarebridezilla, just acknowledging and wondering if anyone else has noticed the same thing…
Post # 89
worst i have done was when ok … back story when he is mad he has a big bark he screams he cusses and gets a lil inimidating if you don’t know him … but anyways he would always threaten to fly me home …. when i used to go on trips to see him
well one time i stomped around grabbing all my things and flipped out screaming my self damanding that he really buy the damn ticket or quit saying he will he kept telling me to pack and i kept saying when u book it i will pack
we do that sometimes so one time i seriously packed all my bags sat down and screamed i was waiting i want to go home … i felt so horrible after
i dont care if its a lil bad of him to threaten to send me home it was really nasty of me to really pack all my things (even tooth brush and hair junk) and put the bags by the door i felt so nasty later
Post # 90
@ksus07: I do agree with you. Turn the tables and we would all be freaking out over a man saying that. Gender doesnt matter in abusive circumstances but for some reason, the men get the brunt of it and the women pass off as innocent victims who HAD to hit to get their point across.
Post # 91
@MrsTangerine: I applaud you and your husband for finding a calm way to work through issues wothout the drama. To be honest though, when I am heated, the last person whose hands I want to hold are his. I’m pretty sure it would feel like my skin was crawling!