(Closed) Mostly venting…long post

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do about the date?
    Keep July 3 : (7 votes)
    16 %
    Pick a new date on my own : (3 votes)
    7 %
    Cancel the wedding : (34 votes)
    77 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1986 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I think you should postpone the wedding until you figure out what he is being hesitant about and then pick a new date together.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    3041 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I wouldn’t change the date, you have about 2.5 months to work that stuff out. I would talk to him and ask why he wants to postpone it. Tell him you want to talk to him about the wedding tomorrow or whatever date you decide this week that works for the both of you. Make sure you guys don’t make any other plans than to talk wedding. Perhaps you can make a list of things that still need to be done & make a timeline chart that will help you guys meet deadlines & also show how much time he still has to help arrange things. Maybe put him in charge of some of the things, such as the music & talk to him about if he doesn’t feel he has the time, than do you have the money to hire someone?

    You will have to re-send invites & people may have already requested time off work/booked hotels/flights, etc. It would probably be more expensive to remake & resend all your invites & deal with loosing venue deposits, than it would be to just hire a good pipe-organist or dj for the day.

    Post # 6
    Member
    4466 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I think he needs to just put his big boy pants on.  Weddings are stressful.  They approach quickly and then they are even more stressful.  It would be a logistical and financial nightmare for you to push back the wedding, IMO.

    I would just sit him down with a to-do list and explain the things you need to get done.  It s*cks that he’s stressed, but such is life and wedding planning.

    Post # 7
    Member
    179 posts
    Blushing bee

    His sentiments and behavior does not seem supportive at all for your wedding. Although men usually take more of a back seat roll in wedding planning, they still want to be involved in all of the decision making.

    The reluctance of your Fiance to make any sort of commitments to your wedding should be worrisome. It’d be best to postpone the wedding and at least have a good discussion with him on what kind of timeline works for him if July 3rd is too soon. Maybe he wants to have a longer engagement and get married in the fall or sometime next year. Maybe the whole planning/decision process is overwhelming to him and it’s not what he expected… which is why he’s having a hard time decising things. Who knows… just to talk to him. 🙂

    Post # 8
    Member
    3162 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I’m confused – you sent save the dates, people bought plane tickets for a specific time, and you have paid for invitations yet you don’t have a wedding date?

    Post # 9
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    That’s soo frustrating. But obviously there’s something going on with him so I think it would be best for you to postpone.

    I think if I were you I’d tell him how you feel (like he’s trying to make you cancel by not agreeing to anything) – and that you are not going to plan anything (not set another date or anything) just tell him that when he decides he’s ready to pick a date and he’ll need to do it about 6 mos out. That’s it, then leave it up to him to decide that it’s important – maybe he’ll realize that he can’t just leave it up to you and come around and pick a date. If he doesn’t come around after a month or so then I’d say that maybe he doesn’t want to do it. I think in the long run you’d be much happier marrying someone who is enthused about it rather than someone who you feel is dragging their feet.

    Post # 11
    Member
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I think you should consider counseling.   A guy who is not interested in the details of wedding planning (flowers/dress/photography) is usually not a problem. But a professional musician who has no interest in choosing his wedding music or and dragging his feet on setting a date is dealing with some serious issues.  The fact that you may have already put down deposits is not a good enough reason to go through with a marriage.  You deserve to marry someone who is enthusiastic about marrying you.  Through counseling, he may realize how much he loves you and that he is ready to marry you, but if you don’t see a change in him you should give serious thought as to whether or not this marriage is in your best interests.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    3041 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Hmm… well he doesn’t even have THAT much work to do. Odd he doesn’t think he can pick out a few songs. Is there anything else he needs to do besides the songs? Is he having family drama? Are you guys financially stable? Is he usually like this about big commitments? Or is this completely out of character for him?

    I’d definately call him soon & ask if you can talk tonight (or tomorrow, or sometime this week) about the wedding & then talk firstly about why he wants to postpone. In the meantime, make the timeline chart & maybe that’ll help. Talk things thru & see what works best for you. Some people just procrastinate, then they have SO much to do within a seemingly short period of time & freak out & don’t think they have the time to get everything together.

    Have you guys done any premaritial counseling?

    Post # 13
    Member
    529 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I’m not sure you need to be super concerned… I mean he may just not overly care much about weddings and stuff and is being wishy-washy – like the music was really important but now that it’s coming up and he had to actually DO something (*gasp* how difficult!), he’s getting stressed and feeling the pressure.

    My husband didn’t care about ANYTHING that I did when planning the wedding.  I got him to agree to the date, having it at our house, and he sort of okay’d the guest list, though he’d argue with me about it on occassion.  After that, the only things he REALLY seemed to take interest in was “No, you’d better NOT have my middle name on the inviations!  No one calls me FirstName MiddleName!”  and “ugh, those vows suck!” and we had to rework them together.  Everything else was all “I don’t care” or “I don’t know” and I just made all the decisions without him and was like “This is what I’ve done, this is what I’m doing”, etc.  He didn’t even know our music choices until he heard them at the wedding!

    I think if your boy really does love you and want to get married, he’ll show up, regardless of how he’s acting now.  My husband and I got into a huge fight a few weeks before our wedding in which I said “Should we not get married?” and he replied with “I never wanted to get married in the first place!”  But he DID show up and marry me!

    Post # 15
    Member
    2066 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think you need to go to professional counseling.  If he’s wishy washy on a date that has been set for a while and wants to postpone, but won’t explain what that means to him (cancel the wedding, move the wedding, take a break from planning, etc, etc), then it seems like he’s not interested in getting married. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Oh- I’m sorry that I wasn’t clear in my original response.  I know that you are trying to understand his mindset so you can make the right decision. 

    I think it is possible that he is thinking, “well, I’m not ready.  Maybe we should postpone.  But we’ve already paid so much in deposits, plus we’d have to explain postponing  to our family and friends so maybe we should get marrried.”

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