(Closed) Mother and father in law issues

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
4111 posts
Honey bee

ziggy1:  1. You are not out of line 

2. Your husband should be the one to put his parents in their place. You are supposed to be a team now. The moment you got married, you became a unit. His mom is way out of line, and he needs to address her. Period. 

Sorry, bee. What a crappy start to your time in the US πŸ™

Post # 3
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like there is nothing you could say or do that would make her happy. They both sound like miserable people. I don’t think you were out of line at all, although I’d advise that you let him take care of future interactions with them. Let him take care of it in the future. Or in the alternative, if he doesn’t want to continue a relationship with them, just ignore them.

Post # 4
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

BMoreBecc:  

+1

 

I’m so sorry to hear of this, ziggy1:  

What you’ve described, while awkward, falls more at her door. (IMO) If your hubs has asked that you two await her apology, that seems fair to me. At this point.

If it were me, I could also see us setting a deadline and if her apology doesn’t come by New Year’s Day 2016, I’d confront her and inform her that we were awaiting her apology that didn’t come but that we forgive her and want to start the year fresh. (Again, if it were me.)  

Post # 6
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think this is a mothers bad reaction at feeling as if she’s losing her son a bit.  Were they very close when you guys got married,  did he still like at home perhaps? 

I agree you are not at fault and the in laws have been very unfair to you.  

But maybe she honestly (and irrationally) feels like you have taken her son away to some extent.  

I don’t think this can be resolved with more confrontation,  as they will only continue to use it against you.  

I would continue to live my life and when contact arises I would be as sweet as peaches and force myself into that family.  If they don’t wish to accept you after awhile then clearly they have larger problems at play here.  

Post # 7
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think the both of you should cut off contact completely. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life at all. I think you were right to not talk to her and to stand up to her. Go you!

If your husband wants to continue a relationship with this horrid people that’s his decision but if I were you, I just wouldn’t want to hear about any of it at all.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and I think you should create some of your own traditions. If you can, maybe even make a trip back to England to visit your family this year for the holiday season.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, MILs suck!

Post # 8
Member
11969 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

There may be nothing you can do because TBH, she sounds unbalanced. I agree with you that H should be doing more to stand up for you, beyond asking passively why they don’t like you. He needs to tell them that they are out of line, you are his wife and that he will not tolerate them treating you disrespectfully.  So what if they yell. He won’t break. With bullies like these you need to draw firm lines. 

 

Post # 9
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I can’t believe they made your and your daughter sit in another room to eat thanksgiving dinner!! Thats awful, she sounds awful and you weren’t out of line at all. I agree with others that you need to get your husband to say something to her, upfront. Not just a casual text. You guys are a team and this isn’t only your issue, its his too. Good luck bee!

Post # 10
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Wow… in-laws can be a trip, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this at a time where you’d most like to be included and feel welcomed after moving to a different country. I agree with PP on creating some of your own family traditions.

I guarantee she is playing a bit of a power-trip, and is angry that it isn’t (to some extent) working because she’s not getting what she wants. I’d bet that’s where the anger and swearing come from towards your husband. She wants someone to blame for things changing and instead of being excited about the changes she’s angry at the person she sees ”causing” the changes — you. It seems like she’s got some major issues of her own and his father doesn’t sound that great either.

How lucky though for you that despite their deplorable behavior, he was able to become a normal individual! I definitely understand his caution towards them, and I wouldn’t look at it as not standing up for you, I think he’s just trying to please everyone and ruffle as few feathers as possible.

Unfortunately I don’t think those tactics would work with people like them, because they’ll steamroll right over him. I do think he needs to firmly establish that you two are married and creating your own family and traditions and that you both would love for them to be included but if they’d rather not, then so be it.

It will be hard to say but I think it puts the ball in their court – they can either be kind and include you or not. If they don’t, he’s made it clear that they’ll lose his involvement as well. It’s terrible that it’s kind of a line in the sand type of situation but I agree with PP about bullies and needing to draw firm lines.

Post # 11
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

ziggy1:  I dont think youre out of line and i think your husband has not done enough to come to your defense and put his parents in their place.

Post # 12
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

I started to hate her when i read the part about judging you for bringing your pet over!!

Your husband needs to handle his parents and stand up for you! You shouldn’t be put in the position of having to defend yourself.

 

Post # 13
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’ve gone no-contact with my toxis Mother-In-Law and it has worked wonders for my psyche! It may be worth considering…

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