Post # 1
I have posted about this before and it is just ongoing.
Basically, my mother in law has always been rather cold towards me. Myself and my daughter moved to the US from the UK last year to be with my husband. My mother in law totally ruined mine and my husbands first wedding anniversary last year (happened to fall on Thanksgiving day) my husband, daughter and I were looking forward to going over to his parents for Thanksgiving, I was excited (especially for my daughter) to experience Thanksgiving with everyone, mine and my daughters first Thanksgiving. In the morning my husband and I were exchanging our anniversary gifts when his mobile phoned beeped several times…. he had missed a text from his mother asking when we were going over a couple of hours earlier (we were asleep) which was followed by a grumpy text and then his mum sent several texts basically saying that I should be trying to fit into his life more. We had only been here for 3 months by that point, and had visited them many times in that time. I spent most of the morning in tears and then finally plucked up the courage to leave the house and we went over for Thanksgiving and as soon as we arrived they were all really cold, and was a rather unpleasant experience. My daughter, husband and I ended up having to sit in the livingroom on our own eating our meal as there was no room up at the main table (although I’m sure they could have made some room) it was just absolutely awful.
After that I must say that I kind of backed off somewhat. And then we were invited on a trip a few months ago as my husbands grandmother was visiting. I thought we all actually got along quite well (his grandmother is lovely!) in those few days, and went over to visit the grandmother almost every day at the parents house, was lovely. Then, my husband went over to his parents just before 4th of July this year, and the mother gave him a 2 hour lecture on everything they think we have done wrong. My daughter and I flew our cat over (nobody gets left behind!) and my husbands mother went on saying how stupid I was for spending the money flying our cat over, amongst various other things. We went over for the 4th and as I thought she would be, she was again very cold towards me. My husband messaged her asking her why she is so cold and what have we done…. and one of the things she brought up (which stems back to her Thanksgiving message last year) she said I haven’t made enough of an effort to fit in, and in the first few months we were here she said that I only visited them 2 or 3 times. Which is COMPLETE RUBBISH!!!!!! Possibly we could have visited a bit more in that time (up to Thanksgiving)…. I think at the time we worked out we had been over somewhere between 15-20 times between August and November…. But my daughter and I had a bit of a hard time adjusting the first few weeks, with dealing with all the changes, missing family and friends etc… we also came down with a lot of bugs and colds in that time (seemed to be one thing after another) …. but we still managed to visit a fair few times. When I read her message saying we only visited 2 or 3 times I think something snapped in me…. I had been really quiet and polite up until that point and I just snapped…. I sent her a bit of a firm (but not rude) message basically stating that we had been over a fair few times, and I thought that we were adapting and fitting in at an OK pace, but that if she wanted to get to know me better she could have contacted me at any point! Not once has she contacted me to meet up, has all been my husband, daughter and I going over to their house…. which is fine, but why have a go at me for supposedly not making enough of an effort. The father messaged me back swearing at me and insulting me, and that was the last contact I have had with them, that was about 3 or 4 months ago.
Was I out of order? I’m not sure what to do now. My husband hasn’t really said much to them. He said we will wait for them to apologise, but he has since been out on a family meal thing as his grandparents visited several weeks ago. He saw his sister a couple of weeks ago, she said that the parents are waiting for us to apologise. What should we do?
Post # 2
ziggy1: 1. You are not out of line
2. Your husband should be the one to put his parents in their place. You are supposed to be a team now. The moment you got married, you became a unit. His mom is way out of line, and he needs to address her. Period.
Sorry, bee. What a crappy start to your time in the US 🙁
Post # 3
It sounds like there is nothing you could say or do that would make her happy. They both sound like miserable people. I don’t think you were out of line at all, although I’d advise that you let him take care of future interactions with them. Let him take care of it in the future. Or in the alternative, if he doesn’t want to continue a relationship with them, just ignore them.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry to hear of this, ziggy1:
What you’ve described, while awkward, falls more at her door. (IMO) If your hubs has asked that you two await her apology, that seems fair to me. At this point.
If it were me, I could also see us setting a deadline and if her apology doesn’t come by New Year’s Day 2016, I’d confront her and inform her that we were awaiting her apology that didn’t come but that we forgive her and want to start the year fresh. (Again, if it were me.)
Post # 5
Thank you all for your responses. I forgot to add, my husband did message his mother after the 4th July incident asking why she doesn’t like me (referring to something she had said when she gave him the 2 hour lecture) she didn’t respond, but when we went to the parents house to pick something up that he had forgotten a couple of days later she started shouting and swearing at him (my daughter and I were in the car, was awful and embarrassing) …. It was odd because his message to her was just a simple question, he has never raised his voice or spoken out of line with her, he has always been very respectful to his parents, so was sad to see her shouting and swearing at him like that. I think he was a bit shocked too.
I just feel so bad about it all and it really gets to me sometimes. I do wish my husband would stick up for me (and himself!) more though, he doesn’t seem to like to go against anything his parents say, he just seems to take whatever they throw at him and doesn’t correct anything. I can sort of see why though, if he even gently asks them a slightly awkward question he gets sworn and shouted at.
Will see how things go. Hopefully will be better soon 🙂 Thank you again for your replies, has helped a lot 🙂
Post # 6
I think this is a mothers bad reaction at feeling as if she’s losing her son a bit. Were they very close when you guys got married, did he still like at home perhaps?
I agree you are not at fault and the in laws have been very unfair to you.
But maybe she honestly (and irrationally) feels like you have taken her son away to some extent.
I don’t think this can be resolved with more confrontation, as they will only continue to use it against you.
I would continue to live my life and when contact arises I would be as sweet as peaches and force myself into that family. If they don’t wish to accept you after awhile then clearly they have larger problems at play here.
Post # 7
I think the both of you should cut off contact completely. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life at all. I think you were right to not talk to her and to stand up to her. Go you!
If your husband wants to continue a relationship with this horrid people that’s his decision but if I were you, I just wouldn’t want to hear about any of it at all.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and I think you should create some of your own traditions. If you can, maybe even make a trip back to England to visit your family this year for the holiday season.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, MILs suck!
Post # 8
There may be nothing you can do because TBH, she sounds unbalanced. I agree with you that H should be doing more to stand up for you, beyond asking passively why they don’t like you. He needs to tell them that they are out of line, you are his wife and that he will not tolerate them treating you disrespectfully. So what if they yell. He won’t break. With bullies like these you need to draw firm lines.
Post # 9
I can’t believe they made your and your daughter sit in another room to eat thanksgiving dinner!! Thats awful, she sounds awful and you weren’t out of line at all. I agree with others that you need to get your husband to say something to her, upfront. Not just a casual text. You guys are a team and this isn’t only your issue, its his too. Good luck bee!
Post # 10
Wow… in-laws can be a trip, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this at a time where you’d most like to be included and feel welcomed after moving to a different country. I agree with PP on creating some of your own family traditions.
I guarantee she is playing a bit of a power-trip, and is angry that it isn’t (to some extent) working because she’s not getting what she wants. I’d bet that’s where the anger and swearing come from towards your husband. She wants someone to blame for things changing and instead of being excited about the changes she’s angry at the person she sees ”causing” the changes — you. It seems like she’s got some major issues of her own and his father doesn’t sound that great either.
How lucky though for you that despite their deplorable behavior, he was able to become a normal individual! I definitely understand his caution towards them, and I wouldn’t look at it as not standing up for you, I think he’s just trying to please everyone and ruffle as few feathers as possible.
Unfortunately I don’t think those tactics would work with people like them, because they’ll steamroll right over him. I do think he needs to firmly establish that you two are married and creating your own family and traditions and that you both would love for them to be included but if they’d rather not, then so be it.
It will be hard to say but I think it puts the ball in their court – they can either be kind and include you or not. If they don’t, he’s made it clear that they’ll lose his involvement as well. It’s terrible that it’s kind of a line in the sand type of situation but I agree with PP about bullies and needing to draw firm lines.
Post # 11
ziggy1: I dont think youre out of line and i think your husband has not done enough to come to your defense and put his parents in their place.
Post # 12
I started to hate her when i read the part about judging you for bringing your pet over!!
Your husband needs to handle his parents and stand up for you! You shouldn’t be put in the position of having to defend yourself.
Post # 13
I’ve gone no-contact with my toxis Mother-In-Law and it has worked wonders for my psyche! It may be worth considering…
Post # 14
My husband wasn’t living at home, but they are fairly close I guess…. He used to go over and visit them most Sundays before my daughter and I moved here. On the days my daughter and I were unable to go over I would always encourage that he go. He is her first born, so I guess she might be that extra bit more protective over him. My daughter and I are extremely close with my parents. Before we moved here we used to see them pretty much every day…. And then I would spend an hour or two talking on the phone with them most days as well. Has been a shock to the system not being near them or being able to see them…. Thank goodness for Skype and Facebook! We are still able to communicate with each other daily 🙂 I don’t think my husbands mother really understands how difficult this move has been for us, really could have done without the extra stress. When my husband said what she said about us bringing our cat over, that upset me so much. That upset me more than anything else. Think I will continue the no contact thing with the mother in law for now, its just too stressful having to deal with her. My family, whilst they were sad about us moving away, they have been very supportive. I miss them so much!!! My daughter, husband and I are hoping to go to England for Christmas (funds permitting) and my family are coming over to visit in the Spring, I will focus on that, the good things 🙂
Thank you everyone for all your support! You have all been really helpful 🙂