(Closed) Mother and FMIL just don't get it

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t really have any good adivce, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone! I was in a similar situation and we have ended up inviting 16 couples of my parent’s friends. Great, 28 people I don’t know that well at my wedding. My parents are paying for the wedding so I guess they have some pull, but the guest list is certainly larger than what we wanted.

I would suggest that you and your fiance draft a guest list, include the obvious family members, extended family, etc. Maye give each mother a few invites to send to friends, but that is it. You are paying for the wedding yourself so they will have to deal with it.

Post # 4
Member
6212 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I would suggest that you break down how much it would cost for the 250 she wants vs the small wedding you want, if you haven’t already, and ask her to explain where the difference would come from. She needs to understand that it is just not possible, and can’t happen.

Post # 5
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

even if you didn’t want a more intimate wedding, its not reasonable to want to add a lot of guests if there is no way to pay for them!

i think its always easier to say “you have x no. of invites. you choose which from the list you want” than just cut people yourself

Post # 6
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sarg88:  If you and your fiance are paying for your wedding without any help from the parents, it really isn’t up to them to decide the guest list. Now if they were paying for the wedding or helping, they would have a little bit of pull depending on how much they are contributing and how they are helping. I wouldn’t like to have a wedding where I don’t know a lot of people because my mom invited a bunch of her friends that I may or may not have met before. I would agree with the person above me that it would be okay to give the moms a few invites that can be left up to them. But ultimately in this situation where the two of you are paying for the wedding, it is really up to you how many people you invite and what kind of wedding you have. If it becomes this huge overdrawn issue, I would just elope with the fiance and have a party down the road when it becomes possibly more affordable for all involved to have a party where everyone is happy with the guest list. Good luck and happy planning. Cool

Post # 7
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@Caroheart +1

Just tell her you and your Fiance want a small intimate wedding and that is what works with your budget and wishes. Both moms should understand that if they can’t contribute the money to accomodate their guests that you don’t even know then tough cookies!

Post # 8
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@newname_99:  + 1 – Have her do the cutting after you show her the expenses.

Post # 9
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i think sometimes it helps to be a bit blunt

“so, the cost per person is 100 dollars (or whatever). if we invite those 20 people, we need to find 2000 dollars. any suggestions as to where we can find that money as we dont have it and are not prepared to go into debt for one day? no? ok then we need to have a smaller wedding”

but in a politer more loving way

Post # 10
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You are SO not alone out there. 

I went through the SAME exact issues when we first started planning. I asked my FI’s mom to give me a rough number and she came back with 70 guest. Ughhh what?

My Fi and I broke down the exact cost of a wedding and simply told them we cannot afford to have a wedding with so many people. We are having 125 people at our wedding. My Fi and I agreed to pay for 65 ourselves. Each sets of parents are paying for 35 guest each. We have made it clear that we are NOT paying for any guest beyond that because we are not going into debt for a wedding. Once we made that clear to them we haven’t had many issues. 

You might be surprised how “obligated” they’ll feel when they have to cut a check. 

Post # 12
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you’re paying for it, you get to decide the guest list.

Post # 13
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

It was very important to Darling Husband and I that we have a small, intimate wedding.  His mother, on the other hand, wanted to invite every person she may or may not have spoken to during her entire life.

We laid it out that we were only going to be inviting X number of people and we were picking who they were, BUT if it was so important to her to celebrate with all of these different people that she was more than welcome to host a party at her home or somewhere else a few weeks after the wedding during which we could celebrate with everyone.

She shut up and we had the small wedding we wanted (though if she had gone ahead and planned the party we wouldn’t have minded).

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