(Closed) Mother and Sister Feud – Ceremony Issues

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t get how things would be better if you left her out of the procession.  If she is a guest she will still be there and have plenty of opportunities to fight with your sister.

Is your sister in the wedding party?

I think you have two options…

1) Invite your Mom and accept the fact that she could start fighting with your sister.  I would possibly talk to a relative to maybe step between any argument that could happen.  Or talk to your sister and just ask her to walk away if approached by your Mother.

2) Don’t invite your Mom.

Only you can decide which option is best for you.  It is easy for me, a stranger, to tell you to not invite your Mom.  But if I put myself in your shoes, no matter what my Mom has done to me, I don’t think I could just not invite her to my wedding.

Post # 4
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
eliz93:  Only you know what is best for you…

I would ask yourself ‘how would I feel if she did start some shit at/during the wedding?’.

If your answer is ‘I’d regret having invited her and be so disappointed that she ruined the day’ then maybe you shouldn’t have her there.

If your attitude is ‘Well, at least I tried and it was best to give her a chance – the wedding will go on’ then invite her, hope for the best, and set up a back-up plan in case of the worst. I would appoint a relative or good friend to step in if your mother makes any kind of scene or harrasses your sister, who could escort her out and back to her home or accommodation. I would have a zero tolerance policy for drama on the day.

Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

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eliz93:  Then I would definitely talk to your sister.  If your sister can take deep breaths and just walk away from anything that your Mom might start, then I think inviting your Mom is definitely possible.  If she can’t get anyone to engage in her temper tantrum then it won’t last very long.

And just remember that if your Mom does act up, it only makes her look bad, not you.

Post # 6
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

#1 – There is no reason to feel your relatiosnhip wiht your mom will improve, so basing your decision on that is not valid.  I have had to stop speaking to both of my parents at the advice of group therapists, and go “no contact” due to their emotional instability and need for control and drama.  

#2 – I agree that simply haivng her there, and your sister, will invite a spat regardless of who is in a procession.  I mean, the MOB is simply walked to her seat.  I am assuming the sister is Maid/Matron of Honor or a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and might have some more traditional duties – procession or no, if they are both there, the drama could happen.

#3 – your mom sounds emotionally dysregulated, possbily has BPD, just based on the imagery I’m getting from your post.  I can recommend you to a site to help with family members with emotional instability, where they might be best able to advise you – it’s helped me a LOT.  I’ll PM it to you, not sure if I can share it here.    

#4 – You CAN ask other friends and family, or the groom’s family, to run interference for you on the wedding day, and be prepared to step in and lead her away, distract her, or keep her and your sister apart.  

#5 – I am totally fine with not inviting my parents to my wedding.  If we planned our wedding close by, we were considering a restraining order just to keep them from thinkin they could stop in – they nelgected me, abnadoned me, and then when I had their attention, beat me and verbally and emotinally abused me.  I know lots of people with normal levels of distress in their families say things like “blood is thicker than water” an “she’s your mom”, but being a mom is more than just giving birth or dontaing DNA, and it sounds like your “moms” are your aunts, and this is the lady that you kinda know, who bore you, but wasn’t really in on the day to day.  It’s YOUR wedding.  If you feel it will be less stress, don’t invite her.  Ther will be some fall out, but hey, she’s already alienated one daughter, who does it really hurt the most for her to alinate the other?  Her.  

#6 – I’m sorry you have this conumdrum, but congratulations on your upcoming wedding – it’s aday for you and your groom.  Everything is supposed to be for your union, all else is just superfluous.  

Post # 7
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee

This is really hard, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I would say, though, that “hope for the best” is usually not the best plan with difficult mothers. Weddings are very emotionally charged events, and they tend to bring out the worst in challenging people.

Post # 9
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

View original reply
eliz93:  It’s a hard place to be.  Essnetially, I raised my mom, not the other way around.  Since I was small, she was my responsbility to are for (had a substance addiction, was out of it a lot) and I took care of myself – dad was a scary man who beat us when angry, and could get angry in a heartbeat – yay manic depression.

I could not handle the drama from my mom after she went through a few cycles of shoplifint, theft by check, and then getting evicted fired, and arrested all in the same week, AND started using FI’s mother’s information on credit applications she’d default on.  Using my name, I accepted as normal.  Using FI’s mother’s name – nope.  So I cut ties, trying tough love.  I tried a few times to get back in contact, and the cycle would start again.  So to protect my sanity and FI’s family, I just went toal NC, after finding that online group and reading how others in similar families had to protect themselves.

I foudn the group a few years ago I was hit by what they call a ‘breakthrough crisis” where a lot of my emotions from old event came back full force – I’d reperessed them for eyars.  And I realized I was mad at mom and dad for not letting me actually be a child, for taking credit for my accomplishments when they never helped me, and in fact, hindered me a lot.  

I found the site, and it helped  alot – no insurance here for a while either, and frankly, I was so wired to not talke about the abuse at home (it’s a hallmark of an abusive house – you hide it) the idea of talking face to face just gives me a panic attack.  Writing has always been easier, and so does internet anonynimity.  It feels somewhat safer, and the people on there have dealt with troublesome family and lovers and won’t outright just tell you that you’re being selfish or mean – they understand familiy is not a guarantee of good treatment.   AND, using some of their technics for setting and enforcing boundaries could possibly help.  

So no.  Shared DNA should not ensure a wedding invite.  People who have cared for you, supported you, and overall been dependable should.

Post # 10
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Your mom chose not to raise you, continues to disregard your feelings, and is in a legal battle with her own daughter (your sister). This is not someone I’d personally care about having present at my wedding. She doesn’t deserve that.

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