(Closed) Mother-daughter realtionships… Need some unbiased advice please.

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Is your mother paying? Personally, we did not really consult our parents on very much in our wedding planning. They certainly helped when we asked for help, but we didn’t sit down with them and PLAN things together.

Just trying to get a grasp on your relationship financially before I give any advice.

Post # 4
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hi Lucky,

Wow. It sounds like you have a lot going on girl! ๐Ÿ™‚ First of all – breathe. Wedding planning is quite stressful for all involved (including Future Mother-In-Law and mothers, which does not excuse the behavior mind you). One thought I had was this – how technologically involved are your mother and FMIL? If they don’t talk on the phone, which is fine (maybe it makes them uncomfortable? maybe they don’t have time? who knows), perhaps let the internet do the mediating. I was thinking that perhaps you could create a small, private google group (http://groups.google.com/grphp?hl=en&tab=wg&pli=1) or yahoo group and invite both your mom and Future Mother-In-Law. This way each of you could make postings that would keep the others ‘in the loop.’ Postings can be done quickly (unlike what can be emotional phone calls where other issues get dragged into the mix). People seem to be able to control themselves better when they write as opposed to when they talk – perhaps it’s because you can write/type something and then delete it before you post/send it? Just a thought. This would also save you from having to be the mediator between them – they could just share their thoughts and ideas with you and the other person directly. I hope it all works out for you! My friend created a wedding group for us (she, the Maid/Matron of Honor and the bridesmaids) for her wedding planning too. This helped her avoid repeating herself repeating herself to 5 and 6 people over and over with updates. ๐Ÿ™‚

Bon Chance,

-Bella

Post # 7
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I hate to say this, but I don’t think that financials have much to do with anything when it comes to weddings. It’s your and FI’s day and no matter who is paying for what, the ultimate decisions are yours and yours together.

Post # 8
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Why is it that weddings bring out the best or the worst in people? I’m sorry your mother is being “bitchy”.  It toatlly sucks that she can’t just embrace your vision and support you, but I think it’s a mom thing that it happens.

I remember reading some of the Bee’s posts about doing all this great stuff with their moms and their FMILs and being over the top green with envy!

Maybe you could to that group thing on line and just update it daily and respond there?  Or even if you got some sort of shared check list file and did a group email every day where everyone was included on it and everyone could update what was done, what was being worked on or what needed to be done and who was going to do it?

On a side note – and I could be TOTALLY off here – maybe your mom is jealous of his mom and the relationship you have with her?  Or she could just be the way she is because that is how she is.

Good luck and remember this is YOUR day and you and your Fiance should have it be what YOU want – maybe nod and say hmmmm a lot when you get an objection??

Post # 9
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to hear you’re going through that…

Updating both with weekly/monthly emails on the progress would be good.  Maybe you can just list what you guys have decided on and ways they can help, rather than asking for their opinions.  Maybe your first email can explain to them how important this process is to both you and your fiance and add the importance of family and coming together. 

Sometimes I think my Mother-In-Law feels left out of the loop when there isn’t really much going on.  They just like to be included in any way they can. 

Post # 10
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Sorry you are going through all of this.  If it’s any consolation, I keep hearing that the beginning stages of planning are always most stressful.

I think it’s really important for you to define who is doing what – if not, your mother, Future Mother-In-Law and you might be all doing the same thing.  

Try not to focus on getting your mother and Future Mother-In-Law to be BFF’s.  It’s not going to happen.  Your mother, since she is MOB and paying for everything, obviously feels the need to take care of the majority of the tasks (as evidenced by doing so post surgery!).

re: sending the emails – while I’m sure it was done with the best intentions, emails are so easy to misread the tone.  Your mom probably feels slighted – which is why you are getting the reaction from her post-email.

It sounds like you and your mother have such different opinions on things, you will not agree.  You have to figure out a way to include your mother, yet be able to handle her negativity toward your choices.  If it’s not doable, then maybe you need to reassess the type of wedding you want and perhaps do something on a smaller scale where you and Fiance pay for it – thus take your mom out of the picture.  If she is controlling the decisions because she is paying for it, then I don’t see any other way.  But, if she can get to the point of knowing that your choice will be different than her choice/desire, then you should be ok.  I think you need to have a talk with your mom.  First, figure out what you want her involvement to be and make that very clear to her. 

Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds awesome and it’s great she is such a support.  Don’t worry so much that she is feeling left out.  Continue to include her in plans by letting her know what’s going on, as you see her and/or make time to spend with her.  Write her notes telling her how much you appreciate her support, etc – and she will feel loved and special.

Good luck to you!!

Post # 11
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Oh, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. It sounds really stressful! Here are my suggestions:

1. Don’t force a relationship between your mom and your Future Mother-In-Law. Why do you want them to have one so much?

2. You be the delegator of tasks—I mean, you decide whose imput you are going to solicit for which tasks. Would your mom be happier if you let her make a few less-important wedding decisions? And then I would try to avoid mentioning the decisions that you are leaving her out of, because her opinions will lead only to pain.

3. Do less updating and emailing, not more. So far your efforts at connection through technology have met with failure. So increasing them by making a google group or by sending out weekly digest emails might not change things either. Instead I would just back off with updating them about wedding plans, because it sounds like it is fanning the flames. Keep calling or writing just to say hello and keep in touch, but don’t make the wedding your only reason for communicating.

What do you think would happen if you tried these things? I hope things improve for you!

 

Post # 12
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I think you really need to just update less often, like chelseamorning said.  My mom was driving me insane and I finally decided I wasn’t going to tell her everything anymore.  It’s made my life a LOT easier.  I do talk to my Future Mother-In-Law more often about wedding stuff, but I’m not telling my mom “Oh I talked to Future Mother-In-Law about this and we thought..” because it’d make her feel left out.  So I don’t know, it might just work for you to update/talk to them less frequently about wedding stuff, and when you do, don’t bother crediting your Future Mother-In-Law (or mom) with your ideas and plans.

Post # 15
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Glad things seem to be going better.  Good luck!

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