(Closed) Mother emotional drama & manipulation- help! (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Creiddylad:  since he is her husband he has to support her feelings/actions.

To a point, yes, he should be supporting her…until she crosses that line over into batshit crazy, as she has clearly already done. He needs to say something to her about this, ffs.

how do I get my mother to communicate with me more clearly? How do I get her to actually call me up and invite me to come home at a certain time?

You’re going to have to tell her this. Go over there, sit her down, and get this all out. Say, “Mom. I am not a mind reader. If you want me to come over or want to plan something, YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE THIS TO ME. I won’t just know that you want to get together x date for Christmas. I appreciate that you’re trying not to smother me, but you are going too far in the opposite direction. I WANT to see you, I WANT to talk to you, but YOU have to meet me halfway.”

They are NOT last on my list but because of the history of drama I no longer look forward to spending time with them, and feel unwanted at some level because I am almost never actually asked nicely to come and visit.

Tell her this. Straight up. 

Post # 5
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Creiddylad:  ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope you get this resolved. I hate communication problems, and this is why I tend to be a) a planner, and b) a straightforward person.

Post # 7
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hey OP I don’t have any advice for you but just wanted to say good luck for next week. Darling Husband has a mum just like yours, so I feel you. I hope you can get through to her & have a nice holiday 

Post # 8
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2005

I’m sorry :(. I just wanted to say you need to tell your mom how what she’s doing makes you feel. You have great advice already, having a serious talk with her & telling her she needs to let you know what she means. Let her know you WANT her to call you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. At least you are really trying. Bring a candy dish of dark chocolates when you talk with her, chocolates always help stressful situations!

Try to start out your sentances with “I feel…” not “you need to change”. That usually helps with the conversation, people usually open up more when you say that vs them feeling accused of something. Let her know you feel hurt, etc. Also, I think you can tell her why you are stressed, even if it is her (just say it nicely).

 

Post # 11
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This just happened to me this year, and I imagine the guilt-tripping from Future Mother-In-Law and my father will start after we get married this summer about where we’re going for Christmas/New Years/etc.

He already tried to give me shit for spending time at a friend’s house on Christmas Eve this year. She’s my Maid/Matron of Honor, I hadn’t seen her since July, and she’s Jewish so Christmas doesn’t really mean anything to her. I’m 22, Christmas eve really isn’t anything special to me anymore. Told him I’d be home early in the morning and ended up having to wiat around for 2 hours before he and my younger brother even got up on Christmas!

I don’t know. There comes a time when you and your SO just need to be your own family. We’ll be instating that the Christmas after we get married. Boundaries have to be there sometime. 

Post # 12
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m glad things are better, even just a little, but you need to talk to her about her problem with your SO. If he didn’t do anything to get this reaction from her, is it not fair to him at all to be excluded from family stuff simply because SHE has problems.

Post # 13
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeesh, a lot of that sounds familiar, right down to the games over who calls who and being met with silence on her end when you bring up something you want to do that she doesn’t like. So frustrating! But I’m glad your most recent talk went well, and it really seems like your communication will keep improving. ๐Ÿ™‚  Hooray!

When my mom refused to accept my then-boyfriend, to the point of nearly pretending he didn’t exist, I wrote her a letter telling her it wasn’t OK to treat him like that when he did nothing to earn it, pointed out her double standard in being so sweet to my brother’s crazypants girlfriend… and then she didn’t speak to me for six months. We’ve long since patched things up and she and Darling Husband get along great now, but man it sucked for a while having to hold out to stand up for him and our relationship. I hope your mom comes around without any extreme measures needed on your part.

Post # 14
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh.  My.  God.  I cannot tell you the galvanic effect your post just had on me.  I am going through exactly the same thing with my mother.  EXACTLY.  No exaggeration.  Your mom and my mom sound like the same person, and if I wasn’t absolutely certain I didn’t make that post I’d swear I was reading my own story.  It makes you feel sick, doesn’t it?  And to top it off, my mom lives in North Carolina (I’m in NY) and she still pulls this nonsense saying the same things, like my family is “last on the list,” etc.  I keep trying to explain to her that I have no intention of replacing her, but she’s 11hrs away and I can’t wait for her visits every 6 months to plan out my wedding.  My future Mother-In-Law happens to live 20min from me so it just makes sense to have her do certain wedding stuff with me.  

She doesn’t like my fiance’s family and is extremely judgemental for no reason.  She gets annoyed that they have more money than she and my father, and she’s SO PISSED about my recent weight gain, and is trying to make it my FMIL’s fault, saying she enourages me to live too indulgently – when really, that’s not the case.  My Future Mother-In-Law is just a very sweet and accepting person.  When she met me I was a size 6, and just because some time has gone by and I’m now a 12 and she accepts me just the same, my mother is angry.  I think it’s all out of jealousy, really, but who told her to move to NC before I got married?

Unfortunately, my mother has always been some version of the person described above and in your post.  She will never be a supportive person.  She is petty and jealous and can be very small, and has the very bad habit of holding a grudge.  I am sorry, so sorry, that your mom is doing to you what mine is doing to me.  

I’d love to email with you.  Feel free to PM me here or write to me at [email protected].  You can call me Sabine.  I’m with you girl, don’t give up hope.  Eventually, we are both going to have to tell our moms to f* off and just do what makes us feel good, but it’s hard.

Post # 15
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’ve experienced this nearly my whole life with my mom (though luckily she loves my fiance). What I did that finally seemed to make a difference was to put my foot down and tell her that her behavior (the manipulation, the guilt, the complaining) were exactly why I didn’t come around. I told her that I absolutely should not need to continue to involve myself in a situation that made me unhappy, made me anxious, made me sick, etc. I told her that I’m an adult and I make my own choices and have my own life. But, that being said, I am not a mind-reader and it was absolutely unfair for her to be angry at me for taking her words at face value. If she wanted to see me on such-and-such day she needed to say that not “whatever.” 

 

After I did this (over the summer) things have been MUCH better. I’m not going to say that they are 100% better but I think the fact that I laid it all out carefully for her (and happened to have e-mails from her to back up what I was saying) finally got through to her. 

 

Good luck!

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