(Closed) Mother emotionally and physically absent during wedding planning.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

hmbooth05:  It must be hard to reconcile the mother you have ,with the mother of your dreams.

Your mother has a mental illness.  You can’t change that. The only thing you can change is your expectations.

My mother was an alcoholic. She wasn’t the mother of my dreams either. But, as I’ve grown older, I have accepted that she did the best she could with the skills and limitations she had.

Try and accept your Mom for who she is.

Post # 3
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Your mother has a mental illness.  You could summon up some compassion for her… or if nothing else some acceptance.  You will be a lot happier if you can just accept her, no matter how disappointing she is, and no expectations of her.  

Her illness shows itself with her preoccupation with money, anxiety, and poor social interactions.

I want to point out, though, you chose a destination wedding over having your mother attend.  Your chose “your dream” knowingly that it excluded her.  Have some understanding why she did not jump to welcome you back home with gushing congratulations.

Your mother’s day gift to her was a text (that you want thanks for?).  Being out of the country is no excuse.  You could have ordered flowers before you left and set the delivery date for mother’s day.

No one is a heroine here, including yourself.

This all might go a lot better for everyone if you would just have the expectation that anything you do together you will pay for so she will not have to ask you a stream of anxious questions and the get togethers will be few.

I am truly sorry this is your mother/daughter relationship.  It is so sad for you, I can only imagine.  But iff you could see it in your heart to be The Giver in this relationship then you will be a much better and happier person for it.


Post # 4
3382 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with Jules (as usual).

I would also like to point out that apathy and anhedonia are common symptoms of bipolarism; it’s also a potential side effect of many of the meds used to control it. Either way, it’s not something she can control. 

I know it’s no consolation, but at least she’s not causing drama 24/7. 

Have you ever sought therapy on how to deal with your feelings?

Post # 5
8449 posts
Bumble Beekeeper


Yes, what you said.

Sorry OP, she is never going to be what  you  want –  she’s poor,  anxious,  broke , ill and first in nobody’s life.

Yes a PITA, but might  be nice if you could Rise Above as they say

Post # 6
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You can’t change people, you can only change yourself. Her behavior is unfortunate but not unexpected. Unfotunately parents are flawed people as wel. You can chose to accept her illness or not have her in your life. She might be emotionally absent but you really are not helping the situation. 

My mother is not mentally ill, that I know of, but I found it healthier  for myself to not have her in my life. It is sad, painful at times but it is for the best for both of us. How to rise above? Acknowledge her limitations, remember what she did do right as a mother and move forward. 

Post # 7
9041 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

hmbooth05:  Unfortunately this happens to a lot of brides. They think their wedding will somehow magically change someone’s behaviour/personality. It just isn’t reality. 

The biggest mistake you made was thinking that your wedding was the perfect event to try and mend your relationship. Big life events should never be used in this way because usually you end up disappointed and are left feeling bad about your amazing life event.

I agree with pp’s in that you need to make a choice. Either you have your mother in your life by accepting exactly who she is and how she will behave (mostly due to her illness but mentally ill people can also just be arseholes sometimes outside of their illnes) or cut her out of your life.

Post # 8
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry and understand how difficult it must be when you don’t have the emotional availability and support that you had dreamed of from your mother.  The truth is that even on your special day, you have to understand that her illness just won’t go away.  It’s not her fault, and the meds she is taking might not regulate her emotions as well as you think.  Something simple as in texting back a thanks might seem easy for you, but for someone who’s dealing with extreme highs and lows, getting out of bed on some days can be almost impossible, let alone thinking about conversing with others.  She’s not just going to “snap out of it” and you should accept that this is going to be the way it will be indefinately. You can either then decide whether you want this woman, with all her flaws, in your life or not.

Post # 9
45 posts
  • Wedding: July 2015

My husbands father is the exact same way, he has also has bipolar and has borderline personality disorder amongst struggling with alcoholism and other things. Long story short my husband has accepted that that’s the way he is but doesn’t try to force the relationship or go out of his way to try and communicate with his father and my husband has made it clear that he doesn’t want our future children to be exposed to that kind of behaviour.
Regardless of your mother’s illness it does not excuse her behaviour, they KNOW what is right and what is wrong, and they are aware of their actions. Don’t let her decisions and behavior ruin things for you, it takes a toll on you in the long run.

Post # 10
2968 posts
Sugar bee

palebluepetals:  I don’t agree.  It is hard having an absent or unfeeling mother because it damages not only the child but later on the young adult.  Even a mother being bipolar shouldn’t mean that the mother is consistingly unloving or uncaring.  It is the mother’s responsibility to where possible make up for all those absent years.  

Having said this we have to make allowances for mental illness but the mother has to make allowances too for her children who may have felt abandoned.  

It seems to me that hmbooth05 has kept trying and has kept in contact with her mother and we should applaud this because it really is difficult to do, especially if the mother does not make and has not made her children the top of her priorities.


hmbooth05:  I think that you have now got a husband to make a new life with and he’ll be your biggest support.  Luckily your father and stepmother are still in the picture.  How does your sister feel?

Post # 11
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m Bipolar. It’s a horrible disease. But it doesn’t excuse your Mom’s behavior. 

You have a right to be disappointed and to feel hurt. That being said, I would just wait and let her reach out to you. You’ve made the first move quite a few times. 

Post # 13
26 posts

hmbooth05: She’s bipolar which is exactly the bahaviour you’re describing. Extreme highs one minute and extreme lows the next. In your life for a few months, gone for a few months. Unfortunately that’s just the nature of the beast.

Post # 14
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

hmbooth05:  I agree- it’s hard.

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