(Closed) Mother had a break down on me tonight…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

*hugs*

It is NOT fair for her to dump all of that on you. BUT she might have been feeling that because you were busy, she would give you space. Then, because she’s a female (generalisation coming ahead) she started to over analyse why YOU hadn’t made the effort to call (because her not calling is giving you space, but you not calling is “hating” them). 

*hugs*

You did nothing wrong.  BUT I do think that going to visit (if possible) or sending flowers to let her know that you were just busy and that you wanted to call when you weren’t busy so that you could give them your full attention. Also, that she is free to call whenever she wants to. You want her to call you too!

It sounds like your mum is just a bit emotional right not and perhaps feeling a little forgotten (not your fault! She could have said something/called). Perhaps try and celebrate Mother’s Day with her by herself somehow?

It seems to me like being there on THE day is really important to her (because you saw her heaps before and after last year but she still brought that up). So perhaps try and wriggle things to be that way?

OR send her some sort of card about how you want to officially move Mother’s Day to X date from now until forever and that because it is her special day it will be better because not everyone and their mother will be out eating and celebrating when you are. This might help avoid something similar in the future. 

Post # 4
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh geez, what does she expect, you to blow off your husband’s birthday because it happens to fall on Mother’s Day? To keep the peace I’d probably ask her if the two of you could pick another day where you can take her out just the two of you to celebrate Mother’s Day, but man, I’d have a hard time not lashing out, because frankly she’s being pretty selfish. And I totally know what you mean about the phone working both ways – my grandma used to treat my mom the way your mom is treating you right now, and it was awful for their relationship.

I do think you’re going to have to start setting some firmer limits with her though. I would make it quite clear that if she wanted to spend more time with you she needed to jsut say so, but that right now it wasn’t at the forefront of your mind because you’ve been very busy and her and your dad haven’t been calling you either, but that you are drawing the line at her comments about sharing you with your FI’s family. He is going to be your husband, and much like she would not stand for someone disrespecting your father and not wanting him around, you are not going to be put in that situation either. Then I’d emphasize again that you love them and want to spend time with them, but when she makes unfair accusations and tries to guilt-trip you into blowing off your FH’s birthday it just puts you on the defensive.

 

Let us know how the followup conversation goes, and good luck! You don’t want to hurt your mom obviously, but be careful about setting a dangerous precedent where she gets to control how you and your Darling Husband spend your time.

Post # 6
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@oakislandbride61414:  

Just say that you accidently blurted it out! That happens all the time with surprises. You were too excited.

OR say that he started talking about buying it for himself and you had to stop him from doing so. 

It sounds like you’ll easily make this up to your mum. I’m sure it will work out just fine. Remember that you did nothing wrong but in this situation it will be easier to give in and gentely remind her about the two-way relationship, than to be angry (which you had a right to be) and push her away. 

Post # 9
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@oakislandbride61414:  If this isn’t the first time something like this has happened it does sound like you need to have a clear talk with her about how things are going to work now.

I would say that she’s realised that she is “losing” you in the sense that she’ll now have another family to compete with for time etc. I would say that this is her not-so-mature way of getting you to figure out how and when to spend time with her and for her to get the time and attention that she wants.

I would suggest starting a conversation about both of your expectations of celebrations in the future, but do this after Mother’s Day so that she’s in a good mood when you have this conversation. If she gets emotional easily though, perhaps do it via letter or email? 

Not sure if either mother would be on board with this, but perhaps you start a new Mother’s Day tradition (perhaps next year) where you and your Fiance take them both out for the day/lunch together. Whether you spend it as a foursome or split up and then meet for lunch or something is up to you. Because, let’s face it, his mother is now your mother too from here on out so you should be celebrating with her too. This might give your mother enough alone time (because it’s just 4 people, 2 who consider her mother) rather than competing with the entire family.

Post # 11
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee

@oakislandbride61414:  You need a holiday game plan when you get married. You can’t be expected to spend Thanksgiving,  Christmas,  Easter, or whatever holiday apart to appease both mothers.

Post # 12
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Do keep in mind that you’re sending mixed signals. By arranging the various plans on your own, you reaffirm the fact that you and your Fi are forming a family of your own. And that’s consistent with a gradual drift away from having your parents as the focus of your family, and having your Fi as the focus of your new family. But by asking your parents to contribute towards a birthday gift for your Fi, you put yourself back in your former role of dependant child, and your parents go back to their formal role of Providers, and that can be incredibly confusing and misleading to your parents, especially if your mother is already feeling a bit of “empty nest” anxiety. You may find things easier going forward if you reaffirm your adulthood and independence by removing both your parents and your fi’s parents from financial situations (except of course to ask advice), and anything else that may put you back into that dependent child role. Treat them more as peers and it will be easier for them to get used to the fact that you’ve formed your own family and aren’t always going to have the kind of schedule that you used to.

Post # 13
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@fishbone:  I agree with your premise, however, I think that when the OP was asking her parents to contribute to her FI’s present, this was not in a dependant way. This was in a “we are doing a group present and if you want to be a part of it, that would be great” (independent), rather than “we want to buy this but can’t afford it, can you chip in” (dependant).

Similar to if they were both going to a wedding and the OP asked her parents if they wanted to go in and buy one bigger present with them as a group present. 

I do think however that your main point about setting boundaries and keeping to them is a very good piece of advice. 

Post # 14
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Everdeen:  Even if the OP is not relying on her parents’ financial contribution to buy the present, that does not mean her parents might not see it that way.  In so many cases, the impression you give is far more important than the intent behind your actions.

The OP could be financially set, but by asking for her parents to contribute to the gift, they may once again feel like a parent handing out allowances.

Post # 16
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Idon’t think you were wrong, maybe something else is bugging her. I agree that you should send her flowers or a present of some kind with a note, give it some time, and then try to talk it out. Maybe your parents have something going on you don’t know about and a little more effort on your part would make it easier for them to talk to you about it. 

 

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