Mother has anxiety and wants attention

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2796 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Easy.  If she wants to visit, she stays in a hotel.  Visiting hours are set (and if you can meet at the zoo, the museum, the aquarium, whatever, to not have her in your house, that’s a bonus) and once they are over, she leaves.  Don’t host her again because it just seems to cause drama that you don’t need.  Turn your guest room into a playroom/crafting space/sex dungeon/media room or something like that so you don’t have room for them to stay any more.

Post # 3
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

I wanted to chime in and say…I commiserate. I went no contact with my mom in 2005. I got tired of —after 20+ years —being screamed at, blamed, gaslighted and beaten with whatever object happened to be within reach. I relate to so much of what you describe. The guilt trips, accusations over “inappropriate” clothing, and oh yes, being woken up in the middle of the night to her *SCREAMING* and raging (scary!!) at me because I left a light on in the hallway (or whatever inconsequential matter it happened to be on any given night).

I believe a lot of it is about control. I also feel this kind of behavior points to a personality disorder (borderline, possibly). The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is make boundaries and absolutely stick to them. The guilt-tripping is 100% manipulation. Keep a clear head as best you can (difficult when it’s your own mom!) and recognize the irrational behavior for what it is. Irrational. 

Practice enforcing those boundaries. And good on you for wanting to protect your daughter from this toxicity. Why not be as protective of yourself as you are your daughter; you deserve it. 

-Hugs to you 

Post # 4
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

Ahh, I’m so sorry, Bee. My mom exhibits a lot of similar behaviors. I live out of state and when she visited me she stayed in a hotel, which really helped, and we met up for activities. At the time I lived in a 1 BR apartment with no other furniture so there wasn’t really any other option. I agree with the other user above. Can you hide your guest bed and redecorate the spare room? I know it sounds harsh but it’s probably better to hang out for small amounts of time, and for you to have an escape route. When I spend time with my mom, we’ll go to a movie, then I’m busy. The maybe lunch the next day. Small amounts of quality time spread out to minimize arguments. I wish you the best. <3

Post # 5
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t think setting boundaries with her would help you.  It would just reinforce her role as a victim.  It would also give her more fodder if you asked her to stay at a hotel or if you agreed that maybe she shouldn’t come.

Either way she’s not changing. There are going to be consequences wether you do something about her inappropriate behavior or not.  I doubt she’ll ever cut you out of her life because she needs the drama.  I’m sorry Bee, this is a tough one.  Just know whatever decision you come up with, it is VALID. Don’t beat yourself up for it, she’ll do it enough for you.

Post # 8
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
stressedlady :  That book you recommended..I know you mean well, but it’s an incredibly damaging book for people who actually have BPD. It’s a BS book. It really makes me sad that when a person diagnosed with BPD goes looking for literature to help them with recovery, all they find are books written about how to get AWAY from, or deal with people with BPD.

Post # 9
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

I would not let her stay with you anymore, meet up with her for a few hours at a time, you don’t need this especially now you’re mum yourself

Post # 10
Member
891 posts
Busy bee

Sorry about that.. my mom was a bit like yours. One day after going for life coaching for my own issues, decided I’d have to ‘break up’ with her. Setting boundaries is unimaginable for Asian families, imagine the uproar when I told her I would not permit myself to be shouted at and I’d hang up on her if she shouted at me again. I did hang up on her. Took years but I’m still not 100% comfortable talking to her for too long or having her around too much. Your husband and daughter are your new family. She needs to back off.

Post # 11
Member
10098 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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zanyapple :  

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cindyckx :  know what she is talkign about , when she says  “Setting boundaries is unimaginable for Asian families, imagine the uproar when I told her I would not permit myself to be shouted at and I’d hang up on her if she shouted at me again. I did hang up on her.” 

I think you can only do this , or  a variation of it  whenever possible . Walk away or hang up when the shouting  starts and DO NOT engage with it, or with her ‘bawling her eyes out’ or calling people  to tell them how much you hate her or other  such nonsense . She is not going to change  much but you  can.

Post # 12
Member
976 posts
Busy bee

Please visit this site: outofthefog.website
I think you would really benefit from browsing that site. It has tons of info about dealing with people with different kinds of personailty disorders who are untreated – whether you want to simply establish better boundaries or go Low Contact or No Contact. It explains what works, what doesn’t, and why. 

Post # 13
Member
976 posts
Busy bee

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twentytwenty :  I’m sorry you feel this way but these resources are absolutely necessary. It’s wonderful when people who are diagnosed with BPD (or other personailty disorders) are able to get help, go to therapy, get medicated, or anything else that works for them. Unfortunately, there are tons of people diagnosed with personality disorders who ignore doctors, don’t care what there loved ones say, and stay untreated for years, or even for the remainder of their life. They don’t manage their lives, they make themselves worse and affect every single person around them, especially their families. This can devlove into straight up daily and traumtic abuse. They give a really bad name and reputation for people who are actually managing their disorder, being successful, being compassionate, etc. It sucks, but that’s the way things are. 

Post # 15
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Google DWIL–they’ve seen it all and will give you good advice. See her much less. Don’t let her stay with you. Sauve qui peut, as they (allegedly) said at Waterloo; it doesn’t sound like you can do much to help her.

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