- 3 years ago
Hey Bees, I wanted to share this with you and hopefully get some advice.
I’m an only child and my parents live overseas. I’m married with a daughter that just turned one. Every time my mother comes to visit me, she stays with us for a few weeks. A few days before her flight here, she always seems to undergo a lot of emotional and mental stress. She starts to get annoying which then results in an argument. Then she asks, “Do you really want me to be there?”, or “Are we pushing through with our flight?” – something to that sense. It’s almost as if she wants me to beg for her to come visit me.
Then when she is here, she goes through another round of anxiety. She stresses out about the new environment, starts putting rosaries on window sills, etc. Then something happens again which leads to another argument which then leads to her balling her eyes out saying, “You don’t want me here!”, etc.
This morning, she started crying in front of my husband. The argument started because at 4AM, she saw there was urine on the toilet lid and angrily told my dad. We live in an apartment with her and my father sleeping upstairs and my husband and I downstairs. Our apartment echos and we hear EVERYTHING upstairs. So I went up to tell her she was being loud and I was also worried she’d wake the baby up. But instead of her accepting (I don’t even care for an apology because I have low expectations of her) and making sure she isn’t loud the next time, she got mad. She then started saying the same things she normally says, “You don’t want us here!”, etc. She also quickly accused me of using them because they help out in the house. She thinks she is helping, but if anything, they add up to my responsibilities because they leave crap everywhere. My parents are senior citizens and are both really slow. While I appreciate them throwing the trash out, it’s really something very small that I can do myself. I wouldn’t fly them all the way here just so I can use them by having them take the trash out.
I am sick of this. I am sick of hearing her like this. Maybe I have a lot of resentment too in the past because she was would beat me up as a kid. I recall I was an honor student in first grade, but she spanked me with her high heels all because I didn’t want her to curl my hair. So being an honor student didn’t matter. I can still see photos of me graduating with really swollen eyes from crying.
I’m really, really sick to my stomach of her drama. I think she has some kind of depression or mental disorder and is unable to handle any amount of stress. I also hate how she wakes people up to nag at 2/3/4 in the morning. She has always been this way. I think she believes that the more annoying she is (because who likes to be woken up in the middle of the night!), the more you will listen to her. In my college years, she threw a remote control on my head in the middle of the night because she hated the guy I was dating. She constantly feels unwanted and creates drama, telling her friends fabricated stories of her being oppressed and treated badly by the big bad villain (me). Several months ago, she was here to visit and one day felt the need for attention. To get that, she called me in the middle of a company event saying that she found really skimpy shorts in my closet while she was helping fold my laundry. She was nagging on me on the phone saying how inappropriate it is. I DO NOT own shorts like this. This did not exist. She made it up to rile me up and get my attention (during a company event).
Early last year, her and my dad came to visit after I’d given birth. She was in the kitchen one morning making dumplings. I asked and said, “I didn’t realize you ate dumplings in the morning.” She took this to mean that I did not want her to eat at all. She then called my aunt balling her eyes out and telling her I did not want them to eat, that I deprived them of food. This couldn’t be any farther from the truth. She can help herself in the kitchen, I don’t even care at all.
I’ve tried to make things work, but she is extremely difficult. Wherever she goes, she always brings drama with her. She always blames everyone but herself. If she asks for advice and things don’t work out the way she’d hoped, you can be sure as hell that she will come back to blame you for it. I used to feel sorry for her, but now that I have a daughter, I just want to protect her from my mother being toxic.
And another thing – I’m Asian married to a Caucasian man. Being Asian, we’re used to having our parents live with us. But she is prejudice against white people thinking they hate living with extended family so she always thinks that my husband doesn’t want her here when the fact of the matter is, I’m the one who doesn’t. My husband doesn’t really care. I don’t know what to do with her. I really don’t.