Post # 1
I am seriosuly wondering whether I am overreacting about this. My partner propopsed sponatneously a couple of months ago and I told him to take his time finding a decent engagement ring as I didnt want to burden him with the task of finding something perfect the same day. He is an architect so the money should not be an object. I have quite particular taste and I wanted a white gold solitaire ring. Nothing fancy and nothing overtly expensive as we are looking at properties to buy.
When he presented me with the ring I was if I am to be honest slightly disappointed.. I told him I liked it but it was too big – by the way I also gave him my ring size so the ring shouldn’t be big. I took it to the jewellers to get it resized and I saw the ring in the store for £80. It was a cubic Zircona and the cheapest in the store. Cleatly the three months it had taken him to find the ring had resulted in a quick last minute frantic stop! I confronted him about it and he told me he had not picked the ring but had asked his mother to get one with his credit card! This makes me so mad – he pawned the blame off onto her and said that he hadn;’t even seen it until the day he gave it to me. Since this happened he has not offered to rectify the situation with a better ring one he picked out.
For all of those that think I am shallow let me explain something. I was not expecting a massive diamond for an engagement ring. I was hoping for someting nice and thoughtful. he is an architect money is not an issue for him and he had three months to save before purchasing. More than this it is particularly humiliating that he allowed his mother to pick something I am to wear for the rest of my life.
Any suggestions on what I should do?
Post # 3
As you gave him time to save up money to get you something that would last a little longer and instead of doing any research himself, he pawned it off on his mom… wow. That just says to me that he isn’t really into it. I would have a serious talk about how you wanted something a little more lasting and this isn’t going to last past a couple of years before it dulls–that you would like a better quality ring, even if it’s not a perfect large diamond.
Post # 4
I’d be more concerned about his lack of interest and the obvious mis-communication, as well as his apparent attachment to the apron strings, than I would about the ring.
The two of you need to be able to communicate and respect each others’ wishes (without MIL’s input) if you’re going to be happily married.
Post # 5
I actually don’t think you’re being selfish. I think your Fiance should have gone out and chosen a ring that he thought you’d like. There should of been no involvement with your Future Mother-In-Law, in my opinion. Its nice if they’re close and he wants to involve her somewhat, but to ask her to pick out a ring is taking away the importance of the ring itself. Like you said, you don’t want something big or expensive, but it should be coming from him! I think you need to tell him he’s got to go out and try again. Give him some time, this process may be overwhelming for him. My Fiance isn’t good with big purchases, he said he was a wreck when he bought mine!
Post # 6
Grab that man and take him to the jewelry store! You two need to go together if he won’t do it himself. Boys hate shopping, don’t be disappointed, but be proactive!
Post # 7
I’d be pissed too! I would say that you were hoping for something that would be more lasting than a cubic z, and more meaningful b/c he picked it for you. Then I would suggest that you two could go shopping together… I know you wanted *him* to pick something, but clearly something about this ring-shopping thing is too much for him. Maybe some guidance from you will be helpful.
Post # 8
I agree 100% with *Daydreamwanderer*!!! I think there are bigger issues here than a ring… What has he said about it since. Has he apologized and acknowledged that what he did was completely wrong and, frankly, cowardly? Is he going to let his mommy handle ALL his big responsibilities throughout your marriage? And why doesn’t he care enough to go out and make an important decision that will begin his future with his new wife????
Although it seems to be about the ring on the face of it….I think this divulges more about him as a person….
Post # 9
honestly, you have a right to be concerned! the issue isn’t really the ring, it’s more of the mommy issue…and trust me, you see so many mommy issues on these boards, it’s best to nip it in the bud before the planning/marriage gets any further!
Once he gets your POV, just go to the store together with a budget in mind, and then try to let it be in the past. For many men, shopping is overwhelming, including my Darling Husband. Once I’ve gone to the store a few times with my man, he knows my general taste, and even shocked me with some sapphire and diamond earrings for Christmas!
Post # 10
i dont think you are shallow at all! i would be furious about him not caring enough to pick out the ring himself. and strange that his mother didnt tell him that! i dont know, i feel really bad for you but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. he should be excited abt getting you a ring regardless of what it looks like-just for the pure meaning behind it. especially since you weren’t pressuring him to do it! 🙁
Post # 11
I would be flying off the handle.
You don’t send your mommy to find your engagement ring and then not ask any freakin’ questions about it! He didn’t even see it?! Lame-o!
I’d be more pissed about the fact that he just didn’t do anything about it for 3 months and then had his mom go do it. What, he couldn’t pop into a jewelry store on his own?
To me, that shows apathy. And the fact that he was defensive (am i right?) when you conftoned him about it? Definitely there are bigger issues.
Post # 12
Um… I’m an architect and money and job security are big issues for me right now. Our profession has taken a huge hit in the states and no one feels like their job is safe. Maybe he has a better situation in the UK, but it really bothers me when people assume that architects have it made. Yeah, he should have picked it out himself, but he could be worrying about job stability right now and scared of making a big purchase when he needs to keep his savings up.
Post # 13
i dont think income is the issue here. even at no income and no ring. this is between you and him not you and his mother. id be much happier with no ring at all than a ring he had nothing to do with-just asked his mom to pick up at the store.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
The fact that he sent his mom out for the ring is the red flag for me. That’s way different than asking for an opinion or shopping with her. If he can’t be bothered to do this and has to enlist his mom, I’m worried.
Post # 15
Actually, I have to ask… are you SURE that she picked out the ring? Maybe he did and said she did so he could have an excuse/not be embarassed? There are plenty of things to check into in this case, because it seems very strange!
Post # 16
I would have to agree with the majority of the group. The issue isnt if it was a CZ because he could have purchased that first to propose and then upgraded at a later date if he was concerned about his income. However the red flag to me was his mother picked out! OMG! I would be totally upset right now and all these questions would be running through my head. Did he just tell her go pick something out or did he give her a price range or did he leave it up to her to make all the decisions. I definitely would agree that you two should have a talk regarding how this has hurt you and tell him the price wasnt the issue, but that he didnt see it as special as you did and pick it out himself. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!