(Closed) Did your mother in law change after engagement?

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: Did you have problems with your Mother in law after engagement?

    YES! She used to be nice. Now she's a nightmare.

    I have always had problems with her.

    She's always been good to me. No complaints!

  • Post # 2
    Member
    413 posts
    Helper bee

    Don’t say anything. Have your fiance talk to her. It’s his mother, but you’re his woman. Now you should come first. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    446 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I agree that you should talk to your fiance and that he should talk to her. If he won’t, and this continues, you may have to find a way to head into that in the least confrontational way you can. Maybe the fact that your relationship is about to go from a situation that could more easily dissolve to one that’s more bound is just kind of throwing her for a loop. She may still feel that you’re great, but is for some reason just struggling. See if it calms down at all. But also watch and see how it affects your Fiance. Sometimes men hear something from their mothers and suddenly that’s exactly what they think should happen: like the whole everything is 50/50 except for the house. You cook, you clean, you blah blah blah…my mother did it, she thinks you should do it, so now so do I. Not all men are like this, and hopefully your Fiance is one of them. Anyway, talk to him and see if he’ll talk to her. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1754 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    Yep. My Future Mother-In-Law became a nightmare immediately after we got engaged (after dating for four years, living together for three). 

    Since we got engaged in January, there have been multiple explosive fights started by her, my Fiance has cried more times than I have seen in four years, she has tried to manipulate us into thinking no one in the family approves of our engagement (which turned out to be entirely untrue), she sent me a lot of nasty texts about how my parents are horrible and don’t love me because they aren’t paying for the wedding (my mom can’t work and my dad just got laid off… so yeah, they’re not paying, which is more than fine with me), and just today she started using the rehearsal dinner as an element of control (she wants to pay for it, and we said no because she cannot stop mentioning how my parents will probably feel sooooo bad because they aren’t paying for anything – she refuses to stop acting like they’re inferior).

    And yeah, we butt heads occasionally before (but never openly – more like she wishes I came from old southern money and was in a sorority, and neither is true). But she also used to say positive things about how responsible and independent I was. Now she hates everything about me. 

    You are not alone! Stay strong. And stay united with your Fiance. If he isn’t a united front with you, that needs to change immediately – I’m struggling with a Fiance who is scared to tell his mother off, and it’s breaking our relationship. We’re starting counseling soon so that he can learn to not let his mother control and manipulate him in an attempt to ruin our wedding or relationship. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    378 posts
    Helper bee

    Is she a widow? Is your Fiance an only child?   

    Post # 6
    Member
    824 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    OMG, YES, my Mother-In-Law changed once we got engaged.  She used to be nice or so I thought.  But once we got engaged, everything became this competition between her and her family and me and my family, which is so stupid because it certainly wasn’t that way for me.  She made a lot of ignorant little comments, about my age (we were both 43, who cares?) and about how women over 40 should not have babies.  This was insulting first of all because in essence she was saying that none of my nieces and nephews should exist, besides the fact that it was obvious that she did not want me carrying any grandchild of hers.  She made comments about how she couldn’t afford another grandchild.  Her grown granddaughter has a kid, and she made sure to tell her right in front of me how it was so much better that she have her children young…just endless comments like this.  Then she moved on to something else petty.  She had known that we would get engaged for months, knew who we were having in our wedding party, then the day that my husband called her to tell her that it was official, instead of congratulating him, she went on and on and ON about how we had to have his sister as a bridesmaid, and her husband as a groomsman.  I got home and my husband was so mad, really upset.  I did what I should not have done, I convinced him it would be ok to have his sister as a bridesmaid.  I figured that I knew I’d let my bridesmaids pick out their own dresses and shoes and I’d ask nothing else of her so what was the big deal?  Wrong.  She was SO RUDE about everything, acted as if I had nerve even nicely telling her that we just had a color scheme but that she was free to go wherever she liked, and I trusted her judgment to pick out something appropriate and nice, I just wanted her to like the dress and feel comfortable.  I talked to her maybe 5 times about wedding stuff, over the course of a year and 3 of those conversations were barely conversations, and every single time it was like I was bugging her.  Um, ok, do you want to be in it or not?  My Mother-In-Law complained about everything, had some comment about everything, as if everything I did or chose was the strangest thing ever.  Believe me, there was nothing OTT about our wedding, it was nice but not fancy, and I went out of my way to be really nice, tolerant and gracious.  I had vendors complimenting me on how nice I was to deal with – my other BMs also said the same.  All my Mother-In-Law did was look for things to complain about.  I gave her nothing to complain about and she still persisted.  My wedding was completely fair and balanced, I did not AT ALL favor my family like she kept thinking I would.  But what did she have to say about everything?  She complained that there were more pictures of my family than of hers (a LIE), and she didn’t like the pictures.  Um, you don’t have to like them, and sorry that my award-winning photographer that I paid my hard-earned money for does not live up to your standards, but it’s really not up to you, and besides, why did everything have to be perfect?  It didn’t, of course, I really tried to explain to her that details are just a part of planning a nice event to share with people, but I wasn’t caught up in them because what was important to me was that I love and was going to marry her son.  What MOG would not be touched by a future DIL saying that???  She said nothing, obviously unmoved.  Normally she couldn’t shut up, but at that time she decides to say nothing? Very telling.  Oh, and she also complained to me afterwards that they missed the cocktail hour because we were taking pictures.  Um, no shit – the purpose of a cocktail hour is for GUESTS to be entertained while the bridal party and family gets pictures taken…who doesn’t know that?  And even if she didn’t know that, that was the best she could do to find a complaint?  I invited everyone she wanted invited, was extremely nice and gracious, and it was finally clear that she just wanted me to be this megabitch that I wasn’t going to be. 

    There is so much more to the story but you get the point.  It would take way too long to get into everything, but after you add up all the “little” things that she did and said, or didn’t do and didn’t say, my heart still breaks over how hard I tried, only to get treated like I had done something terrible. 

    My advice to you is not make the mistake I made, do NOT be so nice.  Then you will have memories of having shared your special time in your life with someone who did not deserve one minute of it.  My Mother-In-Law and I still do not get along and have no relationship to speak of.  My wedding?  Was almost perfect, my husband loved it and still talks about what a great job I did, to this day.  We are very happy, have a daughter and another child on the way.  Isn’t that what the wedding was about, not what dresses people wore, or how long the pictures took or whatever else?  I guess I was naive to think that a wedding was about two people getting married and the rest was just secondary.  What makes it worth it to me is that my friends and family, plus our friends, really, REALLY liked it, and were and are happy for us, and most of all, the whole process brought my husband and I so much closer and reinforced how right it was and is for us to be together.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1578 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    You know my FI’s mom has always been a pain in the ass. Now that we’re engaged though, she’s actually stepped back and has started letting us breath a little bit. However, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t had to deal with her shenanigans in the past! 

    The way that I’ve always handled it is by talking with my Fiance about it first and having him to talk to her first. After that if it didn’t calm down, I would invite her out to lunch to talk about it. (Someplace public, we drive together so she can’t leave…that sort of thing) I’d force her to admit it and talk with her about it. It generally worked. Sometimes it made things worse but in the end Fiance always supported me and knew his mother was crazy. 

     

    I know it seems so simple, but sometimes people can have more common sense. Talk with her about it. Just say ‘Hey FI’s mom, since Fiance and I got engaged I’ve felt like you’ve been mean to me lately. Is there something wrong?” 

    Call her out on it. She has to face it at some point, right? 

    Post # 8
    Member
    4038 posts
    Honey bee

    I never liked her. We got engaged a few months after his sister did, and married 4 months after her. Our engagement and wedding planning was pretty-much ignored. After 30 years of marriage I had the courage to ban her and her toxicity (narcissitic, histrionic, favoritism) , from my life. And it’s been 7.5 years of bliss.

    My mother is the sweetest woman and everyone loves her. I once asked her if they would have been friends, if the Mother-In-Law had lived closer. She said an emphatic “NO!” They exchange Xmas cards and that’s it. On the other hand, she gets along fabulously, with the other 3 grandmothers in law, for our family. The one, who regrettably lives 5 hours away, is back and forth on the phone with her 2 or 3 times a week.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    824 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    View original reply
    acglandorf:  I tried to invite my Mother-In-Law out to lunch to talk but she refused. That is probably the most frustrating part of the whole situation.

    I agree with letting the SO talk to his mom. My Mother-In-Law now claims that I said “we will never be friends”. I never said that, yet I said so many nice things to her yet she doesn’t tell anyone that?

    Post # 10
    Member
    422 posts
    Helper bee

    I have the opposite situation as most people seem to. When I first started dating my Fiance I thought his family was terrible and had no idea how I could ever marry into that family, then shortly after our engagement we had to move out of our apartment due to mold growth so we lived with his parents for a few months, and now we get along great! My own mother and I are close, but my poor mother is really busy to help me with planning so it’s great to have a “second mother” who has the time and excitement to put into it with me, especially where she went through it with her own daughter. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1578 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    View original reply
    muguet:  Well while some people are reasonable, others are just cruel. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope that your Fiance is still on your side. That should make things a little easier to swallow. The big thing is you have to make sure that she doesn’t get in the middle of your relationship. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    824 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    View original reply
    acglandorf:  Thanks.  We’ve been married for about 3+ years and yes, he is on my side.  We have a great relationship, but very little contact with her anymore.

    Post # 13
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee

    My Future Mother-In-Law was a darling until her son proposed to me…she did a 360 degree turn and now hates me…vile text messages and cals ..the works

     

    i just blocked her and pretend she doesnt exist lol!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by  Nompish.
    Post # 14
    Member
    618 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    I couldn’t really vote on this one because none of the options really apply. My Mother-In-Law changed, but not in a good or bad way. I feel like she is trying to get closer to my fiance and I, or make it seem like she is closer than she actually is. 

    She lives an hour and a half away and my mother lives right here in town – maybe 5 minutes from our house. Naturally, we see my mother more often than Mother-In-Law and I am extremely close to my mom. My mom is the one that noticed while spending time with Mother-In-Law that she embellishes certain things about our relationship with her to make it seem like she is more involved in our lives than she actually is. I don’t think this is malicious – I just think she is intimidated by how close I am to my mom. Sometimes it can be a little bit annoying, but for the most part, it doesn’t really bother me. She is a sweet lady (most of the time) and tells me all the time how good I am for her son. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    52 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    Leopards don’t change their spots.  Mine was as bad as she was after we got engaged as before.

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