(Closed) Mother-in-Law Dilemna

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
8440 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly I don’t think it is up to you. You cannot control who your Fiance chooses to speak to. If he has a problem with it then he needs to address it with her.

I think you need to get to the root of why it bothers you. Is it a jealousy thing? or a control thing? or just something you cannot understand due to your own relationship with your parents?

Post # 4
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee

Hi there!

I understand that you would be quite frustrated. My fiance and his Mum are the same. They chat all day long.

Having said that though, i think it’s something you can’t fight. I think it’s just something you’re going to have to deal with.

Just be thankful that your fiance is so caring.

Post # 5
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Hello!

Perhaps you should consider the fact that she is his only remaining parent. His father only died two years ago. Also remember that until a little while ago they lived together and had a great relationship. Frequent conversation was normal but it didn’t become such a big deal to you until he moved out. It can be hard to relate when you don’t have the same.

The fact that he talks to his mother so much means that he will be a mindful, tolerant husband.

Her today, you tomorrow.

Post # 6
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Hmm.. I see how this might seem strange to you. My father has passed away and I speak to my mom at least once a day… he’s been gone for many years. So, I’m sure eventually they won’t be speaking 4 times a day, she needs him right now. Two years is nothing, two years still feels like they passed away yesterday and he’s doing his part as a son to make her feel some comfort. If my husband ever told me I spoke to my mom and sister too much I probably wouldn’t have married him…. I speak to my mom and sister once a day each… minimum, some families are just closer than others and deaths in the family sometimes create a bond others cant understand. Be happy that you are engaged to a wonderful caring man, he sounds like a catch.

Post # 7
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@lilsistam:  My advice: let it go. My FI’s mom will call him at like midnight when we are out beause to her, midnight is late and she worries about her son not coming home. (We both live with our parents to save money until we are married) Personally, it doesn’t hurt us when she calls. She also calls when he’s dropping me off and he’s 5 minutes late from when he should have been home. She’s the same way with her older son and he’s almost 40 and hasn’t lived at home since his 20’s. Some moms are just like that. If she isn’t meddling in your relationship and it isn’t hurting you, then there’s no harm. Losing a spouse is a difficult thing. Be glad she isn’t moving in with y’all.

Post # 8
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

@lilsistam:  I don’t think you’re crazy at all for being irritated. I agree that this is weird and I’d be irritated, too. It’s unfortunate that your FH isn’t willing to consider your feelings on this right now but if its affecting your time together then I think you have evey right to object to it. I don’t think the reasons why he wants to talk to her so frequently are important, it’s just his preference and I think there needs to be a certain level of acceptance of that even though its annoying. I would isolate my complaints to only the times when the calls are affecting your time together. I’d make a list of three or four specific examples and explain how it made you feel hurt each time and ask for small concessions on his part to be more available to you and only you during certain times. I think that FH and Future Mother-In-Law both have to learn how to share his time with you – you shouldn’t be the only one making the compromises. Good luck. 

Post # 9
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

My advice is to let it go to a point. It’s his mom, his only parent left. She was probably married to his dad for awhile and losing him is tough on her I bet, even after 2 years. She is probably lonely and wants to say goodnight to someone and is bored so she calls him. It’s his decision to tell her to back off, and sadly you can’t make him.

 

However I would ask your Fiance to be more respectful of you that when you are talking, out to dinner or watching a movie he doesn’t answer the phone since that is time he is spending with you. I would get annoyed if he just completely dropped me or made me wait so he could talk to his mom for the 5th time that day. Maybe you should approach it that way and he wouldn’t get so upset. Instead of saying “You talk to your mom way too much for a grown ass man” say “It really hurts my feelings and is disrespectful when you take phone calls when we are having a conversation, watching a movie or out to dinner because that is our time together. I ask that you let your mom know that when we are out if you don’t answer it is because we are on a date etc and you will call her back as soon as we are home.” I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he gives you some priority in his life over his mom.

 

Post # 10
Member
7408 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think you get to dictate how many times he talks to his mom.  I think you have some leverage with when- as in not in the middle of dinner etc.  But if it is at a time when not a lot is going on- then why not.

Post # 11
Member
2965 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Bazinga:  +1. I would approach it this way.

Post # 12
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I get why it would be irritating but don’t really think it should have any bearing on you at all. It’s not really your business how frequently he would like to talk with his mother, and if that’s how he’s always been who are you to try and change him now? I’d be furious if my husband ever tried to dictate who I talked to and when or how frequently.

I think it’s hard to understand when you don’t have that type of relationship with your parents. 

I would ask that he not take her calls (unless it’s an emergency) or anyone’s calls for that matter during dinner.  I think those are the types of requests you can make of him in this situation, but not that he limit how often he talks to her.

 

Post # 13
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

My boyfried speaks to his parents every single day, when he was younger, more then once a day, but the difference is that he doesn’t like it that much, his conversations era like: “yes… hum hum… of course… yes…” while she speaks and speaks.

Since your SO likes to speak with his mother I wouldnt mention anything, just get used to it, maybe it will slow down a bit. If it is really something you can’t live with, I would speak to him and say that it bothers you when she interups some activity you 2 are doing together, and that he sould speak with her later, when its not in the middle of something.

But I would advice against, since he can take it the wrong way, like you manipulating him away from his mother.

Post # 14
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@lilsistam:  I think it’s definitely weird. It sounds like he does it because he feels bad for his mom? Is that correct? If my Fiance did that, I’d be losing my mind and I like my future Mother-In-Law too. I don’t have any advice, unfortunately.

I guess I just fee like, maybe she is lonely and sad right now. But what happens when she isn’t lonely and sad any more? This pattern of calling 3-4 times a day will still continue. I feel for you, I really do 🙁

Post # 15
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

I think its odd. She should not be using her son as a way to fill the void her husband left. Thats isnt healthy. Im surprised thats the only issue going on as emotional dependence (emotional incest in this case) tends to go hand in hand with other stuff.

 

I personally want to be the main woman in my FI’s life and have made that clear to my Fiance as his mom and him were a bit too close (but she has a different set of issues than your FMIL). Do you plan on doing pre-marital counseling? Counseling helps people realize that their ‘normal meter’ isnt accurate.

 

Post # 16
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Bazinga:  I agree with this. It sounds like it’s not just the number of times he’s talking to her, it’s that he’s interrupting time between the both of you in order to do so. That is what I would address if you talk to him about it.

I can see why it’s upsetting to have some time to spend with your Fiance, only to be interrupted and put on hold by someone else, not once, but 3-4 times every day. It’s not very exciting to be on a romantic date, only to be left sitting there listening to 1/2 of a conversation with someone else.

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