- 2 years ago
- Wedding: March 2020 - Canada
I am in some dire need of advice here.
– My FH and I live in France
– We decided back in January to get married in March 2020 in my hometown in Northern Ontario, Canada.
– My FH is from Southern Ontario, Canada, and his family is half the size of mine.
– The distance between our hometowns is 1.5 hour flight (about $400CAD round trip), 1400km or 870miles
– My parents are paying for most of the wedding.
– His parents aren’t contributing at all despite being more affluent than my family.
So here is the situation…My mother-in-law has decided she all of a sudden has an issue with the date of our wedding. We had announced the date 2 month ago and have already booked the venue. Our wedding is still a year away, but we wanted to give people a lot of notice as many of the guest will be flying in from various places (Southern Ontario, Western Canada, France, Netherlands, England). Last Monday, Mother-In-Law told my fiancé that she has a conference the same weekend as our wedding. FH called me in a panic, worried his parents would choose to go to this conference instead of our wedding. We talked it out and decided that we would keep our date, as my mother has already moved significant business plans in order to accomodate our dates (she runs retreats out of country and changed her plans without our knowledge because she didn’t want to influence our decisions). Also, everyone already knows the date!
My FH told his mother a couple days ago that we will keep the same date. She was upset and has now come at us from every different angle – Why are we getting married? Why is it not in Southern Ontario? Why did he even spend money on buying me a ring? Why don’t we plan our wedding in September the same week that my brother is getting married? Why are we spending any money at all and subscribing to the social traditions of marriage? Why don’t we just go to the courthouse, etc…
She is questioning everything now and basically throwing an adult tantrum. She knew she had this conference when we announced the date and didn’t say anything for 2 months! Now she’s positive that not only are we choosing to get married in a stupid location at a stupid time, but she’s SURE none of my FH’s family will come. (His 90 year old Grandma has already said she would come). Obviously Mother-In-Law is struggling with not being the one in control. Call me crazy, but I had this horrible feeling inside that if we had decided to move the date for her, we would be giving her the go ahead to continue making major decisions about our lives for the rest of our marriage.
To make it worse, Mother-In-Law has now decided that since we aren’t doing it her way, she will throw us a second reception in Southern Ontario for all her family that she’s sure won’t come to our wedding. (She won’t give us anything towards our actual wedding, but will pay for the whole thing if she get’s to plan it her way). It really irritates me because it is NOT what I want. My FH is open to it to get her off our back, but I feel like it’s just her way of asserting her control all over again! I want our one day to be special, the way WE choose it to be, and I do not to do it all over again by MIL’s rules. I worry that she is going to tell everyone in my FH’s extended family that she is throwing an event later so they don’t have to come to our actual (and hopefully only) wedding. A big part of having a combined wedding is so our two families can meet and celebrate together!
How do I deal with this behaviour? It is stressing my FH out and I don’t want there to be a huge rift in our relationship with her.
Also, are we being unreasonable asking people to come from another city (within the same province) to attend our wedding? Let’s remember WE are flying in from France instead of having our wedding where we live. However, full disclosure — with hotels and travel, the anticipated cost for guests will be $1000CAD for the weekend which is about $750USD. I don’t expect everyone to be able to make it, but I also hope they will consider it!