Post # 1
Hi, I am pretty new to weddingbee, but I have nowhere else to turn right now.
As the title says: my future mother in law offered to make our wedding cake and we were thrilled by the idea as she is a very good hobby baker and cake decorator. This was almost a year ago, shortly after we announced the date of the wedding which is next Friday! (30th of October) Two days ago she asked us if we could buy some mascarpone she needed for the filling as she could not get it in her local store. (She lives ten hours drive from where we live, in a small town.) But now it has expanded to more cream cheese, whipping cream, vanilla pods, and all the other ingredients she needs to make the filling. We bought it of course and the price tag came to about 600nok (72usd). Just under the price of the proffesionally made wedding cake we were looking at prior to her offer of making it.
So now it looks like she is only making the cake, we are paying for it. Even thought we both got the impression she was making the cake as a wedding gift to us. She has not helped with anything else regarding the wedding, besides nagging about the outfit of my hubby to be. And the size of the room our non church wedding is taking place in.
I feel like I also should mention that my hubby to be and me are on a low income now that we have 72usd less to live for in the comming week before the wedding, and after. We are of course serving them a simple dinner and snacks when they arrive here on Wednesday and untill Friday.
I guess the point of this post is: should I ask if the cake was a gift and aske her to repay us what we spent? Or should I just let it go and try and forget about the whole thing?
Sorry for my bad english and messy post. I am in weddingstress galore at the moment and don’t know up from down these days.
Post # 2
You want your Mother-In-Law to pay YOU back for YOUR wedding cake? Yeah – don’t ask.
You would have had to pay for a cake either way. Asking her to reimburse you can only seem entitled and ungrateful. Not a great foot to start out on with your new Mother-In-Law.
Post # 3
You say those are filling ingredients. You’re not paying for the whole cake. She’s making the cake and having done the same for my son and daughter-in-law’s wedding, I can assure you it’s labor intensive. You may be able to spend the same amount and get a professionally made cake in your area, but it wouldn’t be nearly as good.
Post # 4
Noooooo…don’t ask. It’s your cake. Wedding cakes are labor intensive. She’s still doing you quite a favor. What kind of cake could you buy for $72? That’s quite a great deal!
Post # 5
If you couldn’t afford the ingredients when she asked, you should’ve told her. That way, she could find another way to get them or find alternatives. If she lives so far away from you, how is she getting the ingredients from you after you buy them?
How many people are you having at your wedding? $72 doesn’t sound like that much for a sizable wedding cake. I would let it be. She’s still gifting the labor and the more basic ingredients.
Post # 6
That would be really petty of you. Don’t ask.
Post # 7
Wedding cakes are a LOT of work! No, do not ask her to reimburse you for the ingredients. She is doing a lot for you and as perfect or imperfect as it turns out it will be much more special than a cake made by anyone else.
Post # 8
Don’t ask. You don’t even know what will happen when she comes to town and asks for the ingredients. She may very well pay you back. And if not…move on.
Post # 9
I would worry that if she had bought the cream etc and driven it ten hours to you, it would have been rancid. I understand it sucks to have expenses you weren’t expecting last minute – but you can squeeze through and it would do your relationship with your in laws wonders.
Post # 10
Thanks for all the input and quick responses! We are having a small wedding with 24 people in total. My future Mother-In-Law is comming to our city in a few days to finish the cake here. She is making the cake bases and decorations at her home.
I guess another problem I have is that it was an un expected expense so close to the wedding. We can make it, but it just gets tighter than we’d like it to with having to also feed 4 extra people. (Two of hubbys younger brothers are going to be eating at our place as well.)
Also, another reason why this is bothering both of us is that my Mother-In-Law haven’t been to keen on helping my hubby to be earlier. There is a history of her treating her children differently. I feel bad for writing it, but I have seen it in action 🙁 Hubbys sister got a lot of help with her wedding.
But back to my original question: you guys are probably right about it being quite rude to ask for the money back. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out 🙂
Post # 11
It’s quite common for the bride’s parents to be more involved in wedding planning and expenses than groom’s parents, so don’t take offense if your FI’s mother was more involved in her daughter’s wedding, especially if she is fairly traditional–that’s the norm in many places/cultures. Deep breaths, and enjoy your day!!
Post # 12
Although she should pay you back, no way should you ask. I realize that you are on a tight budget and like I said she absolutely should pay you back, but you cannot ask her to.
I also agree that mothers of brides are more involved than mothers of grooms, and rightfully so because you really do NOT want your Future Mother-In-Law too involved in YOUR wedding, believe me I’ve seen too many situations where that just doesn’t work. Good luck and congrats.
Post # 13
I would feel no shame in feeding your FI’s family cheaply in the leadup to the wedding! Also I would leave the receipt in with the bag of groceries for the cake. Just saying. It’s rude of you to ask her for the money, but it is okay to leave a couple hints here and there.
Post # 14
If she offered to make your cake, as in you didn’t ask her, then yes she should pay you back. And hopefully she will. I probably wouldn’t go as far as asking her for the money back. Like a pp said, I would include the receipt with the items and hope she takes the hint. I made my cousins wedding cake and yes, it was very labor intensive (and a huge cake big enough to feed 200 people) but I knew that going in and I’m sure she does too so I feel people are being a little harsh in implying that you would be ungrateful in hoping you get your money back. She offered to make it which now makes that an extra expense that you didn’t plan for. I hope it works out.
Post # 15
It’s nice of you to let his family stay with you, and to feed them. I remember the early days and how tough it was being on a tight budget. Things usually get better with time. You gain experience at your job, and get promotions and better jobs…. In 10 or 20 years, you will look back and think, “Remember how hard things were? That $72 put such a dent in our budget! But we made it through, and now we are enjoying a comfortable life together.” Congratulations, and best wishes for a happy life with your new husband.