(Closed) Mother-in-law issues

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: Invite the mother-in-law to the ceremony or only to the ring ceremony and reception?
    All events, no matter what issue may be present : (14 votes)
    52 %
    Ring ceremony and reception only, to keep the peace in the temple : (13 votes)
    48 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    274 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’m really sorry you are having to deal with that.  I think it’s great your Fiance is on your side and sees an issue with her negativity. 

    I dont think there is anything wrong with leaving things as they are.  Like you said…you are darned if you do and you are darned if you don’t.  I realize some folks might say she is family and she’ll always be in your life.  I simply dont agree that if someone is family, that gives them a free pass to treat you like garbage. 

    I believe in creating and maintaing a healthy distance with some people.  I think you are doing the right thing.

    **hugs**

    Post # 4
    Member
    3482 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Leave things as they are. People like his mother just keep taking no matter how much you try and give, and nothing is ever good enough. Better you have the peaceful sealing ceremony you want and deal with her resentment after than always regret her negative presence during such an important event.

    Hugs, and best of luck to you!

    Post # 5
    Member
    3639 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    She is his mother! She has cared for him his whole life and now his new bride is taking him away from her and not even including her in anything. And NOW she isn’t allowed to go to the most important ceromony?! Can’t even see her son get married? What will that say to other people?!

     – this is how she is thinking

    I am not a mother but I can imagine just how deeply hurt she is, not being included in the bridal shower and now not invited to one of the biggest parts of her son’s wedding?

    Try and imagine what it would be like if your own child didn’t want you around at one of the most important times in their lives. 

    I’m not saying that what she has done isn’t wrong (Facebook etc) but not inviting her to the sealing is going way too far.

    She will be your mother in law for the rest of her life, you never know how your relationship will look in the future. But it will have no hope of being a pleasant one if you leave her out of this. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    I understand why the mom is hurt. Y’all called her and told her about how disruptive she’s been and not being able to accept apologies. But I thought during that conversation you were going to give her a chance to let things go and act nice towards y’all. Instead, y’all told her she can’t go to the seal. I would take that hard too if I was the mother and wasn’t invited to an important part of the ceremony. I think y’all should give her another chance to prove herself. Y’all still have until the end of May to decide whether or not she is going to cause tension. That’s what I would have done, and if she still can’t get over it, not invite her.

    That being said, I know it’s such a hard situation. And you know her better than I do. You have to live through this! So if what I said is not right in your situation then completely ignore me! I want your wedding day to be great! But I would hate for you to have a permanently bad relationship with his mother for not inviting her to the seal. Let us know how things go!

    Post # 8
    Member
    223 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Ugh, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Isn’t it weird how people use religion, which usually promotes peace, understanding and kindess, to rationalize their horrible and mean behavior?

    I’d say exclude her from the sealing. She sounds like the type of person who will never “get it,” and the best you can do now is make yourselves happy.

    Post # 9
    Member
    457 posts
    Helper bee

    I think it’s very easy for others to say how dare you not invite her when they don’t have to be subjected to such negative behavior and being treated poorly. Before I had a Mother-In-Law I never dreamed of the issues one could have, I always thought things were peachy since my parents and their parents grew up so intergrated in each others lives. My parents parents became best friends,t hey were close. My parents called each other’s parents Mom and Dad so to have such a disconnect with a Mother-In-Law was something I didn’t think exsisted..until I got married.

    I am with the same belief that just because they are family doesn’t give them a free pass to treat you, your relationship or your Fiance like garabage.  My Darling Husband and I’s biggest regret was allowing his mother to treat us and me the way she did for 7 months, and then leaving such a tainted memory on our wedding. She destroyed my shower, my Rehearsal Dinner and my memories of my wedding are sad.

    If you don’t want her at the sealing you don’t have to have her there. IMO, being a part of a wedding is an honor and a blessing and if his mother can’t treat it like that, then she has no business being there. It also seems that no amount of what you do will change how she is. She is just causing issues and problems, Instead of respecting your invite situation, she wants to blow it out of the water, and why do you always have to be the one saying your sorry. Where is the sorry on her part?

    If she was not able to attend your shower, that is not your fault, that is her fault. And it’s not your job to go and plan a second shower to accomodate her. My Mother-In-Law sounds to a T like yours. She was pissed that my family planned a shower for me in my town and she had to travel, but then was pissed that none of her family came, but she wasn’t pissed at THEM, she was pissed at US and for us not planning a second shower in her town. She was pissed that all of the people on her list didn’t get invites when we were the ones paying. That is not someone that cares and wants to be involved, it’s someone that is trying to create any issue and problem with everything little thing that is done and that sounds a lot like your Future Mother-In-Law.

    The sealing is the most important part of the day, embrace it, enjoy it and remember it. I don’t remember anything about my ceremony because I was a wreck, my Mother-In-Law almost punched me the night before, she made the biggest scene and then walked into the ceremony as I was walking downt he isle. I could feel her eyes burning a whole in my back and I couldn’t stop worrying about her and the situation so now when I think to my ceremony that is what I think about.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3847 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2004

    Well, I am a mother and I would exclude her from all of it.  Her behavior is stupid and called for.  I am not LDS but have a friend who is.  I understand that this is important and her attitude does not need to be there for your moment.  Tell her she screwed the pooch.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3847 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2004

    double post

    Post # 12
    Member
    5110 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Im so sorry your going through this. It doenst sound like she is going to change maybe try to talk and reason with her if it doesnt work dont let it effect you to badly. It will be ok. If that talking doenst work dont consult her even whenyoudo there is drama. so take her out of the problem. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    923 posts
    Busy bee

    ams12 I couldn’t have said it better. 

    sunnysidexup other people who are not in your situation could never understand what it feels like to be treated like that by family. This kind of behavior hurts so much more when it comes from blood, and although she’s not your blood she is your FI’s and it cuts deep. I feel for you. And I’ve been there. The bottom line here, at least what I’ve learned, is that nothing you do will ever make her happy because it’s not the wedding or the bridal shower that’s even the problem. Your Future Mother-In-Law has some deep seeded issues that are from way before you came along, and if your Fiance even recognizes issues he had growing up with her then nothing you do now is going to make her magically change. Do what is right for you and your Fiance. You can’t make everyone happy. You know she will find fault in everything you do or don’t do, so stop doing things for her. Do things for yourself and your Fiance. Period. 

    Oh, and the mother son dance…. SKIP IT!!!! Even your Fiance doesn’t want it! Believe me when I say you won’t be getting any more approval from this woman just because she dances with her son at his wedding. Save yourself the drama and don’t give this woman any more spotlight then she’s already gotten. This wedding isn’t about her, although it seems she’s trying to make it seem that way. I know it’s hard, but try investing your energy in things that bring you happiness and peace, she obviously isn’t one of those things. Good luck, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

    Post # 14
    Member
    457 posts
    Helper bee

    I just saw the spot about the mother/ son, and my Darling Husband didn’t do a dance with his mother. Things were so bad during the engagement that he couldn’t even think about doing a dance with her, he did give her the option before things got really bad but she said she didn’t want to do a dance with him. So we didn’t plan on it. She emailed 2 days before the wedding saying she picked her song. ( We had a band so we couldn’t now go to them) and my Darling Husband didn’t want to a dance with her anyways. Once she pulled the crap show at the Rehearsal Dinner my Darling Husband actually went to the band at the wedding and told them that under no circumstances was his mother allowed to request a song to dance with him to. He just couldn’t bring himself to do a dance with her after all the damange. She of course stormed out but that was a blessing to us.

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with him not doing the dance with her. My Darling Husband and I went back and forth over this and we were more worried about what others would think but at the end of the day it didn’t matter what everyone else thought, it mattered what we were comfortable doing.

    Post # 15
    Member
    7587 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @CharlotteMJ: Isn’t it weird how people use religion, which usually promotes peace, understanding and kindess, to rationalize their horrible and mean behavior?

    What a fantastic question.

    The topic ‘Mother-in-law issues’ is closed to new replies.

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