- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2011
My fiance and I have been engaged since Christmas and are getting married in less than two months. Throughout the engagement, I feel like whatever interaction I’ve had with his mom has been pretty bad. Growing up with her, he feels that she never really loved him as a son, but just wanted love given to her. I was warned about her and everything I’ve seen since then has been told to me before.
I made the mistake of not consulting with her on the bridal shower date with my matron of honor – I was trying to be more considerate of the matron of honor since she’s traveling a great distance. When we discovered the Mother-In-Law couldn’t go, we considered having a second shower, but it didn’t really get in the works. A few days later she posted online how disappointed she was, not being consulted about the shower. My fiance and I asked her to remove it and asked if she wanted to talk to call us directly (since we had no idea she was upset). She exploded at us at how inconsiderate I am for mainly not considering her in planning. I apologized sincerely, but she still reamed me about how upset she was.
A few weeks later, in thinking this blew over somewhat after we had apologized, she texted my fiance asking if we wanted her 2nd husband’s parent’s address to invite to the wedding. We were already inviting nearly 2/3 over the venue capacity, and we weren’t close to them, so we called back and explained we were making wedding announcements for those we couldn’t invite. On the phone she seemed okay with it. But then just like last time, she exploded within the week saying how it was a no-brainer that we should invite them, and then hung over my head the still-recent bridal shower mistake, even though I apologized. The more my mistakes and faults added up, the more mad she is at us. It seriously feels we’re “darned if we do, darned if we don’t” in making repair attempts.
We’re LDS, and are having a sealing (marriage) ceremony in the morning at the temple with only close friends and family invited, then a ring ceremony and reception afterwards in the early evening (this is traditional, especially when many members of the family are not church members). When it comes to the temple, the peace and calm spirit felt there are awesome. My fiance and I have talked about this for some time, not wanting her there because even if we reach a resolution, we both don’t feel good about how every contact made in our lives has been either complaining or judging a mistake we’ve made, and then not forgiving us. Just last week we 3-way called her and I explained how I feel most of our contact has been negative, and I don’t understand why she won’t accept my apologies and why these things are held onto and not moved past with the understanding that we never intended to hurt feelings (after all, who would want this hell during such a happy time?). We then said we would feel better and like to maintain the absence of tension and negative feelings if she weren’t at the sealing. She’s still invited to everything else, just like everyone is, just not the sealing (only 15-20 people would come to it anyway).
She exploded. Now she’s telling us we’re under the condemnation of God for hurting people to the very core (as if we did it purposely to hurt her), we’re mocking him for making the marriage covenant while these issues are still in our lives, and she sees God taking revenge on us by giving us an unhappy marriage and life since WE’RE driving a wedge between us and the rest of our family (but it’s really only her we want to keep at a distance). While I’m consulting with our Bishop on what the best course of action is, trying to respect parents but also thinking of what is best on our day, I’m also seeking other opinions.
To re-invite to the sealing, or leave it as is (still invited to ring ceremony and reception) and if she chooses to uninvite herself, that’s on her? I’m trying to see her perspective, but it’s difficult when she keeps insulting me and her own son (my soon-to-be-husband… am I supposed to just take this criticism and roll over to keep the peace? or stand up for NOT having drama there on our day?)
There’s also the issue of the mother-son dance… my fiance says, no way.