Mother in law problems – advice please

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

hras :  I would say the only thing you should have added were what the actual boundaries are. That way you know it was said and all you have to do is uphold them if she tries to push them. She clearly gives two shits about what you want bc she isnt apologizing for the behavior, nor is she saying it won’t happen again. You and your husband should decide your boundaries so you can both stick to them together and enforce them. Sounds like they would be,

– She isn’t allowed to be at your home when either of you aren’t there with her. 

– She cannot sleep over last minute, you must be asked well in advance. ( If she lives nearby, maybe no sleepovers period)

– She gets pushy in your home while you are in it you need to both come up with words to shut that down. Phrases you can use in the moment on her. 

” We appreciate the gesture but it is not necessary”

” I prefer you not ____ right now.”

” Guests don’t clean”

You worry she saw that you are trying for a baby. Because of that I think you and your husband should discuss and agree that if she asks ANY questions about babies, when you will have them etc. In any way shape or form you shut that down and refuse to answer. “That is private, when we are ready to share we will do so.” Just keep repeating that phrase every time she asks. Don’t let her profit from snooping. 

Post # 32
6442 posts
Bee Keeper

I would just keep up that same attitude about her nosing around your house was totally out of line.  Also, I would definitely change the locks in case she has a key to the house

Post # 33
432 posts
Helper bee

Why does this woman have a key? I’m just curious because I will never understand why people give keys to their parents…

I don’t think your message was harsh at all. I think messages can come off that way through text or email but, I don’t think there was any other way to say what you had to say. Also, now you have proof of what you said to her and you can bring it up on your phone for future reference for her next grand entrance into your lives (because I don’t think she’s going to change by a long shot). 

You need to change your locks and tell her no when she asks to visit last minute with a group of people. That’s ridiculous. And, if she comes over unexpectedly in the future (which I’m sure she will), don’t answer the door. I know it may sound rude but it isn’t, she was being rude. In my experience, pushy women like this don’t seem to learn unless someone knows how to play hardball in return. She’ll eventually get tired of wasting gas money and start calling first in advance.    

Post # 34
163 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t have advice, just wanted to say YOU GO GIRL!!! Kudos to you for saying what so many of us have wanted to say! Lol 

Post # 35
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I’m shuddering. You did the right thing, Bee. I’m bookmarking this thread so that I can remember this in the future, because my Future Mother-In-Law is exactly like her. I really hope I never need to send this message, but damn, I know what to say if I do. 🙂 

Post # 37
6829 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It was on the harsh side but it doesn’t sound as if she respects a more subtle approach. I would be LIVID to come home to find my Mother-In-Law had gone into our drawers, etc. Such an invasion of privacy. 

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