(Closed) mother-in-law throwing a fit!!!!!!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Normally, I’d say that you should sit down and have a mature discussion with all involved.  But really?  Crying at the news of an engagment?  My advice is to apply for a job 16 states away and move.  It’s time to cut the cord. 

Though you might want to be careful throwing the word “unclassy” around.  Plenty of people have backyard, potluck weddings that are perfectly nice. 

Post # 4
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I wish I had some good advice. I am in a similar situation and I still can’t figure out how to handle. It’s been about six months since the inital Future Mother-In-Law freakout and we are still feeling its effects. If anything, I feel your pain.

We’ve tried to talk to ours and she just makes herself out to be the victim every time and at this point, we’ve hardly talked wedding stuff with her because it’s just not fun. haha.

Is his mom going to be assisting with the payment of the wedding? If so, then I would probably try to use some of her ideas (if they are realistic to you). You don’t want to go around doing everything she wants either, I think that will paint the wrong picture.

You and Fiance are a team now, you have to maintain a united front. (This is advice I keep getting as well.)

Good luck. I hope she calms down. 🙁

 

Post # 5
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh darlin, we have very similar situations!!  Except, I have been engaged for 9 months, and my Mother-In-Law still refuses to say she is happy for us!  She cried when we told her we were engaged, and then has argued every single detail with us ever since.  We tried to keep her involved with the planning, and I think that helped a little bit, but it was SO frustrating to give up some of what we wanted just to make her happy.

My Fiance had to step in at one point last fall and tell her that her actions were affecting everyone involved, including me.  He also told her she was making me feel excluded from their family, unaccepted, and more than once she had made me cry.  That kind of shocked her, I think, and she straightened up a bit after that.  She’s still heinous though.  Basically, we had to say “if you dont have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all” because we were tired of hearing only negativity from her!

It is hard, and it will get harder for you, I am sure.  But ALWAYS take the high road, no matter what situation comes up.  Give her some time, give in to some of her ridiculous requests, and and keep your distance. Do not give her the opportunity to be contrary to every idea you have, because you don’t need to tell her every detail of the wedding. It is not her day, it belongs to you and your Fiance.  She’ll come around eventually…hang in there!

Post # 6
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Wow, this is really tough. I know your Fiance doesn’t want to take sides, but his attitude is really important in this matter. He needs to let his mom know that he loves her and that will never change, but he’s starting a family with you and she needs to respect that. Her reaction to the engagement news is just not right 🙁

For the wedding, I would suggest just do whatever you want to do and not take her suggestions. Maybe you can do something in the wedding to include her and make her feel special (like help her feel like she’s gaining a daughter and not losing a son), but it’s your wedding & you should do what you had in mind.

Post # 7
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

WOW.  I second the moving 16 states away thing.  You have my sympathy if you’re moving in down the street from her.  Yikes.  Sorry I don’t have any advice, but I sympathize.

Post # 8
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s always hard when your Fiance refuses to take your side.  But if you are being COMPLETELY reasonable, and it is something that both you AND your Fiance want, then he needs to tell his mom to back off.  The problem with mommas boys is they usually won’t do it.  I wish I had advice for how to deal with that, but when my ex-FI couldn’t cut the cord, I ditched him.  It was SO not worth it!

Post # 9
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

It’s definitely an issue that you Fiance can’t back you up at all. I think you really need to sit down with your Fiance and have a serious discussion about this. He needs to know that by giving you that ring, he was making you the woman in his life. 

If he can’t stand up to his mom, tell her snap out of it, and starting being supportive of your marriage then you are going to have some SERIOUS issues down the road. My friend’s brother is going through a divorce due to his overbearing mother’s involvement in the marriage. The sad part is that they have children and now a family has to be broken up b/c the mom is a crazy whack job.

Honestly I don’t mean to be vicious or mean in saying this but just from seeing my friends and family go through similar situations I would not want their outcome for your marriage. Obviously you love each other very much and you need his cooperation in all of this so that you can try to start co-existing peacefully together.

You should also not give into any of her demands for the wedding. Giving into any of her demands will give her the green light to unleash the monster and she’ll run your wedding. Like another bee said you should just give her a duty so she feels included. Something easy that she can’t really mess up.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

WOW!!! That’s crazy! I think it’s time to cut the umbilical cord! I would speak to your Fiance and tell him that he needs to create some healthy boundries with his mom. She cannot have that much control over him and your upcoming marriage. As for the wedding, who is paying? If you guys are paying for it than plan as you want. If she keeps on persisting and throwing fits over everything than leave her out of the decision making.

Post # 11
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Your Fiance needs to deal with this. It is not about taking sides, but about making it clear to his mother that he is with you. that you will be his wife, and that the two of you will be starting a life together that she will be a part of, but not always.

He needs to set some boundaries in his relationship with her, not expect you to deal with it alone. If he doesn’t, run! Because you will have to deal with this crap for the rest of your life!

Post # 12
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

You have a serious problem on your hands.  It needs to be dealt with now, or you will have a life of hell with her.  She needs professional help.  I am so sorry, wish I had advice to offer……..  Again, the. woman. needs. professional. help.    

Post # 13
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Unfortantely, I think you are going to have a lot of difficulty in your marriage. The bell really went off when you said “he doesn’t want to take sides”. Well, are you planning on buying a home, having children, or pretty much making any major life decisions together? Because, if he does not take your side in this, he isn’t going to take your side when she meddles in your child rearing, your home purchases, or even tell you want to make for dinner.

I have seen a lot of couples go through this, and it usually does not go well. You are (or will be) his wife, and he is supposed to be your partner and you should be his number one. Ifhe can’t let go of the apron strings over the wedding, he will have a difficult time doing it for other reasons as well.

The only way I think you can get past this, is if you BOTH sit down and talk to her, He HADS to be on your side, or it will not work. He HAS to communicate to her that te meddling is to stop.

She seriously needs to get a life….but without him also standing up to her and for you, she never will, and your life is going to be hell.

Post # 14
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

And can I add…

If you let her have her way with the wedding, that only encourages her to control everything else in your future as well.

 

Post # 15
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

If you were to marry a man who was on your side with a mother like this, you’d have a tough road ahead of you.  If your husband isn’t on your side, it is nearly impossible.  Try to picture the future when you are pregnant, and bring home your child.  How will you deal with his mother three hours after giving birth?  While trying to nurse when you haven’t slept in three days?

  Please consider counseling with your Fiance, and if he refuses to go by yourself.

Post # 16
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

Set boundaries now. Limit dinners with her to once a week or less. Tell her she has to call before she stops by and she can’t stop by every day. If your fiance won’t do these things, he will never choose you over her. It isn’t cruel, it’s being an adult and starting a new family, one that she isn’t in charge of.

If you don’t like her wedding input, just don’t take any financial assistance for the wedding from her. If she still has opinions after that, oh well, she’s not paying.

The topic ‘mother-in-law throwing a fit!!!!!!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors