Post # 17
I think that a discussion needs to take place between your future mother-in-law, your fiance and yourself. This needs to be nipped in the bud EARLY because this is just a sign of things to come. I completely believe that things can be stated in a tactful and caring manner…no low blows or highly emotional rants. She may not be able to respond the way she should and who knows, may even start crying again. But at the very least, you & your fiance will have laid it all out on the table.
Trust me, my brother has this situation with his wife…her & her mother are attached at the hip, her mother hardly ever lets them have a family meal alone together.
Hopefully she can come to realize that the love he has for his mom & the love he has for you are DIFFERENT. If she can’t understand that, well…that’s kind of creepy.
Oh & definitely….move somewhere other than down the street from her!
Sorry! – Hope it gets better!
Post # 18
Wow. You’re a saint for dealing with this.
I agree with what everyone else has said. Your Future Mother-In-Law is being ridiculous. This situation is very far outside the realm of normal.
You need to have a serious discussion with your Fiance, and I’d also recommend counseling for a couple in your situation…it never hurts 🙂
If your Fiance can’t stand up to his mon and support you 100%, your marriage is going to be tough.
Post # 19
I agree with the other posters, your Fiance HAS to get on board with you and you two need to present a united front with his mother. He needs to set boundaries and be able to stick up for you. It’s one thing if she’s controlling and he’s standing up for you but if he won’t stand up to her that will cause major problems in the future. You guys need to have a serious talk about the role his mother will play in your life and what limits need to be set. The fact that she still hasn’t told anyone of your engagement and cried when you told her (not in a happy way), plus the things you’ve shared of their relationship sets off huge warning bells that if something doesn’t change, you’re headed down a very long and bumpy road.
I have a VERY controlling mother, so I can empathize. However, I’ve learned (the hard way) that setting boundaries and sticking to them is really the only way to build your own life.
Post # 20
I agree with everyone on here. You are in a very tough and no doubt annoying situation. I think that your fiance really, really, really has to be on board. Since the beginning of time it is just the way things work kids grow up and become adults have their own families and that is just how it is. I think that you sound very respectful of his mother which is good for him but he really should realize that it is you, not his mother, that he has chosen to spend his life with. And to be honest I believe that if he does take a stand with you his mom will respect him more as an adult and eventually she will come to be ok with the two of you being a committed partnership. Its good to always take her ideas and maybe tweek them a bit but always understanding that she has probably had many experiences in her life which you can no doubt learn a great deal from but never have to feel as though your husband chooses his mom over you or feel like you are forced to take ALL of her opinions about everything. I kind of agree about the unclassy thing, not that all backyard barbeque weddings are unclassy but I see what you mean because its not just the potluck or the keg but the all paper all plastic everything with I’m assuming people bringing their own bowls/trays of food? Well I wouldn’t prefer it but perhaps like I said….a little tweeking of the ideas? You can do the keg it is probably cheaper anyway and maybe have it served in nice glasses so its not just a beer free for all in red cups 🙂 and there is some very very real looking silverware that is actually plastic and if you decorate the tables just right noone might notice the paper plates (which can also come looking very real especially the square ones) I think the overall point is compromise but also letting her know that in a way you are just being nice because you care and that your life with her son with be between the two of you. I do think that you must sit down and both of you talk to her because it may actually take more than once but it must be done so that things don’t continue to build up as they will do if things just continue without sitting down and talking.
Post # 21
You two have got to be a team. If he can’t stand up for you RUN RUN AWAY FAST.
He needs to show you that you are number 1 in his life and if he can’t do that because he doesn’t want to make momma mad, RUN!
Post # 22
And move further away from her! It would be a much healthier situation.
Post # 23
I’d say you and your Fiance need to be on the same page with this. If he can’t back you up (and stand united with you), you should probably take a serious look at your relationship. If nothing else, know what YOU want and will put up with and stand up for yourself (because if you don’t, don’t expect Fiance to either).
Post # 24
I would not marry a “man” tethered to his mother’s apron strings.
I am serious. It will be a problem forever.
Post # 25
as of now, things are going a little better. my Fiance confronted her, and told her that it was ridiculous she could not share in our joy! she responded by saying “what do you want, the whole world to stop just because you are engaged? i don’t have time to gush over you and tell you how happy i am.” since then, she refused to come to our engagement party because she was so offended that her son confronted her. she ignored us for quite some time.
however, things have mellowed out, and now she is talking to us and still inviting us over for family functions. she has yet bring up ANYTHING wedding related, and has no desire to talk about it whatsoever. I gues i am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that she’s just not going to be involved, and the only thing i can expect from her is to show up the day of the ceremony.
my Fiance has totally been on my side since things have progressed and has been very supportive
Post # 26
Thanks for the update. In some way, perhaps it’s better that she isn’t as involved with the planning process to save the two of you from added stress.
I am blessed with no real family-related issues regarding our wedding. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be.
That is awesome that your fiance is so supportive and standing by you! Hope everything going forward goes well for you! And remember, you can always vent to us bees. 🙂
Post # 27
@heather – that may be the best option, just having her show up for the wedding. imagine trying to deal with that while PLANNING? Do not accept any $ from her so you can do your own thing with planning and stay sane.
Post # 28
Edit: I see that you’ve resolved your issue, so I’ll delete my comment. Glad everything is working out well for you!
Post # 29
I completely agree with CitySwoon and would even add to right now make him pick you or her. They have a VERY unhealthy relationship. You need to tell him to tell his mother to back off and dinner only once a week. If he refuses, get out now because he will NEVER take you side on anything from here on out.
Post # 30
I like the “move 16 states away” advice
Post # 31
I have no advice, because it feels like it never ends.
But, I am in the EXACT same situation as you, and it sucks, and i really feel for you.