Post # 1
I just need to vent about my Future Mother-In-Law. She has made wedding planning so stressful and my FH has told me numerous times we should have just eloped. Here are a few examples:
a) Future Mother-In-Law does not agree with our choice of ceremony and reception venues and she constantly makes it passive aggressively known. Shes mad we’re not getting married in the family church and complains about the rules with our choice of church (it costs too much money, why can’t you have an aisle runner, why can’t you put flower arrangements on the alter, blah blah blah). With our reception venue, its “I’ve heard their food tastes terrible, make sure you do tastings…the room isn’t large enough to hold a 300+ guest list….I want to bring my own linens but they won’t let me” and on and on.
b) She constantly wants to add more people to the guest list and this includes for the bridal shower and the wedding. We’re currently at 260 and she wants to add more! My parents are paying for the majority of the reception with myself and fiance picking up some costs (FMIL is paying for alcohol). I’ve explained to her this past weekend that if we go over the minimum, we have to pay for each additional head after and she doesn’t believe me. This infuriates me because my parents are paying. And for my bridal shower, which my mother and Future Mother-In-Law are hosting, she has verbally invited her friend not on the original shower guest list. Her reasoning is “well, some of my friends have said they can’t come and I felt bad so I invited this person.” You can’t just verbally invite people FMIL! I’m so worried now that people are going to randomly show at the bridal shower (which even though my mother and Future Mother-In-Law are both hosting, my mother is paying for 90% of it) and we’re already at max capacity.
c) The rehearsal dinner. She and my Future Father-In-Law have seemingly turned it into an extravagant affair (plated dinners with waiters and large centerpieces). They showed my fiance and I what they want to choose for the entrees this past weekend. 2 out of the 3 entrees include ingredients that myself and my fiance cannot eat. I told them this and while I was in the other room, my Future Father-In-Law pulls my fiance aside and basically says, “this isn’t about what you two want, it’s for your guests.” I’m so mad. And I’m conflicted because they are paying for the rehearsal dinner but shouldn’t we have a little bit of say concerning some aspects of it?
What these issues boil down to is that no one in my fiance’s family stands up to my Future Mother-In-Law. Shes used to getting her way and my fiance has said in the past that it’s easier to let her get her way or she makes life hell for everyone. Sorry, I don’t roll that way. Granted, my fiance has acknowledged he needs to stand up to her more and he has put his foot down on some things (shes upset we’re not doing a garter or bouquet toss because we both think its tacky, and he told her too bad). And you know it’s bad when my fiance, her son, has said to me he thinks that shes overall a terrible person. She told my fiance during a long phone conversation a month ago that our whole wedding isn’t turning out to be what she wanted and I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to say that when its not even her wedding! Oh, and she told my fiance not to mention the conversation to me. Fat chance, Mother-In-Law. I wonder how she’s going to react when she finds out I’m keeping my maiden name….sigh. I just needed to get some of my frustrations off my chest. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal or similar stories of their intrusive MILs?
Post # 2
Not a Mother-In-Law problem; this is a Fiancé problem. You have to decide if you can live with a life partner who is content with “letting her [his mother] get her way”, even it means making his spouse suffer. He is prioritizing his mother over you. Are you okay with that? I doubt this will change without at least some individual counseling on his part.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains
The best piece of advice I’ve gotten from these boards is to limit the information train. The details of your wedding should be on a “need to know basis”. If you Future Mother-In-Law isn’t paying for anything other than the rehearsal dinner and the alcohol at the reception then she doesn’t need to know anything beyond what affects those things. Yes she sounds terrible and its not her wedding, in fact, she’s paying for very little of it.
The less she knows the better, but also agree with PP that your fiance needs to stand up to mommy.
Post # 4
“No” is a complete sentence and I’d practice using it.
Post # 5
It’s time to step in and tell her this is your wedding and not hers. If she doesn’t, then tell her that you have decided to just elope. Who is paying for the wedding? And even if she is paying for the wedding, you have the say because it is your wedding. Your future husband better steps in as well. Don’t let your mother in law dictate your life and your marriage. And if your future husband is not going to do anything about it, then I’m afraid that there will be problems in the future.
Post # 6
I’m gonna have to go with “eff” letting her get her way. Keep the info train shut down, ignore her stupid comments and let her go off the rails if she wants. She can’t make your life hell unless you allow it. Fiance should not be relaying any comments to you at this point because its not helpful and only adds to the stress.
Since she’s paying for the rehearsal, let her have at it. Bring food you can eat and don’t allow that stress in your life. Drop it….its not worth getting upset over.
You both need to learn how to set boundaries. Bad/disrespectful behavior should have consequences.
Oh and drop by DWIL. These people can be harsh but they know how to handle overbearing IL’s.
Post # 7
It’s good that your Fiance recognizes how awful she is (many partners don’t!!). However, that’s only step one. The second step, which is more important, is actually standing up to her. I’d insist on pre-marital counseling since he isn’t willing or able to stand up to her. He needs to learn that just letting her get her way = enabling, and enabling is dangerous. That is a bad habit that needs to be snuffed out before your wedding, and certainly before you have children. Good luck!
Post # 8
DWIL nation, stat. You have a Fiance problem if this stress is reaching you. He’s allowing it to be your problem instead of handling it before it gets to you. He will continue to allow her to be your problem once you’re married, and esp when/if you have kids.
My Mother-In-Law is like this, but she stresses me out 0 because DH put a stop to her antic back during the wedding planning process.
You want to make good and sure those apron strings are cut, and that your Fiance will stand up to his mother and tell her “No” BEFORE the wedding.
I walked out on my Mother-In-Law during wedding planning. She said something rude and I just quietly got up and walked out, then my DH univited her from the venue walkthrough the next day. She’s been on her best behavior ever since. Actions have consequences.
Post # 9
1. Let her control the rehearsal dinner and inviting a friend. It’s a small price to pay for family unity.
2. Stop telling Future Mother-In-Law anything about the wedding. if she asks, just tell her that you have it covered and change the subject. If she pushes, say you are exhausted talking about the wedding and be prepared with a plethora of questions about her, complete with asking her advice for random things. She will probably soon be sidetracked.
3. Work out a plan of action with your fiance for handling his mother. You need to be a united front and you need to get it figured out NOW, before kids and whatever else happens in life.