(Closed) Mother-In-Law wants to live with us.

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: At what point is it OK for your husband's mum to move in permanently?
    When her husband passes away. : (3 votes)
    3 %
    When she turns 60 : (0 votes)
    When she turns 70 : (0 votes)
    When she is physically unable to look after herself : (49 votes)
    45 %
    At age 75 : (0 votes)
    NEVER. : (58 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    You need to set down boundaries.  You have every right to your own time.  When she threatens to cut off contact, I get the feeling that you guys immediately jump to make sure she’s okay.  Don’t.  Rewarding nutty behavior will get your more nutty behavior.  

    Is she in good health?  Is she financially stable?  If so, then I think you should set your foot down and tell her you’d love to help her find a place nearby.  If she’s not in good health, of course, that alters my opinion a bit, as someone who isn’t healthy may not be in the condition to live alone after the death of a spouse.  

    I also think you should make this clear to her NOW, not wait until her grief-stricken tears make you do something you regret.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @jamaisca:  You *are* creating a monster.  People act the way they do because it yields the intended result.  She knows if she cries and gets upset, you’ll cave, because you guys love her.  So, stop.  When she’s not upset and there are no major issues going on, tell her, plainly, that you require alone time with your husband.  You love her, but that sometimes it’s just going to be the two of you.  Let her throw her fit and move on.  You need to let her know that things are going to change, but don’t wait until one of you is upset to have this talk.  

    Post # 6
    Member
    1938 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Honestly, can your husband REALLY see her cutting him off for good?

    She sounds WAY too attached and that would only punish HER!

    I am so so sorry for this situation but you guys need to make CLEAR guidlines.

    P.S. That “Nappy” line was CREEPY!

    Post # 7
    Member
    1671 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

    @jamaisca:  I agree with PPs. The three of you need a sit down and to go over your expectations for your respective relationships between her and you as a couple and you as an individual. Something along the lines of “we really love you and love hearing from you but …” Set down specific times that you will call her so she is not calling you all the time. Definitely a tough one but you either keep doing what you are doing (which I don’t suggest as it will most likely eventually have a negative impact on your relationship with your husband) or take a positive approach that is not reactionary.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3825 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @jamaisca:  I’m not sure if you’re religious or not, but this is part of the whole “leaving and cleaving” aspect of marriage (something described in the bible). Your husband did the right thing by telling her that you guys need your own time but he needs to stick to his guns. 

     

    Yesterday, Fiance and I had our last pre-marital counseling session with the minister that’s going to marry us and I asked him about this. I said that my mom is starting to have a difficult time and will have a TERRIBLE time getting used to the idea of me being an adult woman who is married and responsible for a separate relationship outside of the one I have with her. Like your Mother-In-Law, my mom looks at Fiance as an extension of her “baby” (me) so we are now her “babies”. 

     

    The minister said it’s a process. You will essentially have to “break up” with your parents. My Maid/Matron of Honor told me it took her 2 months to “break up” with her parents. The biggest piece of advice the minister told us was to NEVER blame it on the spouse. Example: If your Darling Husband said well mom you can’t come visit right now because it bothers @jamaisca

     

    He needs to speak in “we” “us” “our” and not “my wife doesn’t want…” Stick with it and they say it eventually gets better.

    Post # 12
    Member
    882 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    You have got to nip this in the bud.  Your husband needs to establish clear boundaries for his mother which do not include her changing anyone’s nappies.  It sounds like he understands this and has fully given you the leading lady role, which is a miracle, considering the way she clings to him.  You guys have got to be proactive.  People will do anything you let them get away with and you are in total control here.  There is no way she will cut off all contact with you guys.  Those are empty threats that she is making because she is losing her baby.

    Good luck!

    Post # 14
    Member
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @jamaisca:  Yeah, my husband’s mother is the same way.  She’s very attached and overinvolved to the point to where when he and I met (we were friends online for a long time before meeting) she made him give her my phone number to make sure I wasn’t “crazy”.  She’s also one of those that things that every decision my husband and I make should be run past them.  

    She learned very quickly that I don’t roll that way.  I wasn’t rude, I just put my foot down.  For awhile, she cried to everyone who would listen about it and I looked bad for stealing her baby and whatever.  Over time, she’s realized if she wants to be in our lives at all (we live 13 hours away by car) she couldn’t insinuate herself into our marriage.

    It’s hard for people to not get their way.  She’s going to be upset, but it’s best for all of you long-term to have a healthy relationships with boundaries, not one that’s going to cause resentment.  You seem to have affection towards her, so don’t tarnish that by letting her steamroll you.  

     

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