Mother is bad-talking us to our infant daughter… am I crazy?

posted 4 months ago in Babies
Post # 31
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

Find alternative childcare ASAP. 

As for the ‘is daddy hurting you?’ Comments..I’d be making it crystal clear that anyone that implies my husband or I are abusing our child would be asked to leave immediately. 

Passive aggressively speaking through the baby is a visit ending moment. Goodbye, we will try again when your mom understands that if she has a problem with an adult, she can speak directly to the adult about it not through the baby. 

Dont make light of it, it’s not a joke. Draw the line for your boundaries and if she can’t respect it she doesn’t get to step foot in your home. 

Post # 32
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Your instincts to be concerned about The way your mother talks to you are right on. I don’t know when she learned her manners, but it doesn’t matter that she’s your mother. She’s being incredibly rude at BEST. I see a lot of older people complaining that things are too “PC” now and people are too “sensitive” when the reality is that they’re just being straight up rude. Unless you are genuinely concerned about someone’s parenting negatively affecting their child, you don’t comment on their parenting, and even if you are concerned, you don’t make those comments TO the child! You confront the parents! You don’t EVER comment on a person’s body, because a person’s body is only their own business! You being her child doesn’t give her a pass to be rude to you, you’re still a person. If you don’t feel like being degraded, and degraded in front of your child no less, you are under no obligation whatsoever to entertain her. As soon as she starts violating the social standard of politeness, she is no longer afforded the same courtesy in return.  As soon as she starts in, you are absolutely free to leave or ask her to leave depending on where you are.

Post # 34
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

ladyvk :  You just have to arm yourself with the correct responses to her bad behavior and stick to a plan.

Your mom: is daddy hurting you?

You: Comments like that are inappropriate and not acceptable. Do not say that ever again. 

(If your mom in anyway argues with you after you say that or says she was joking? )

You: I am very serious, comments about abuse are never to be joked about. If you feel you can’t stop saying those things we are going to cut this visit short. ( Then you get your child and leave, or you tell her to leave.)

Once you tell her that her comments are inappropriate, if she continues to do them you just need to start cutting the visit short asap once she says them. 

Your mom: (Makes inappropriate comment) 

You: I made it clear that those comments are inappropriate and won’t be tollerated. Because you are choosing to make those comments anyways we are leaving (Or I need you to leave my home now) 

If you think she will keep making rude comments it might be best to only see her outside her home and yours. Meet at a restaurant or a park so that when she makes the comments you can leave very easily. 

1) First you call out the comments as they happen and tell her they can’t happen again. 

2) If she keeps making those comments you again tell her you already told her to stop, then you leave wherever you are, or tell her to leave. 

3) If after that she still does it the next time you see her, you immediately leave and tell her that you are taking a time out from her. When you are ready you will reach out but until then you don’t want to hear from her. 

4) If after saying no, leaving, and putting her in a timeout, she still can’t stop making rude comments? Well then sadly you might have to cut her out of your life completely. 

Some random phrases to shut down her comments. 

She says something about your weight – You: My weight is not up for discussion or comment. You will keep your opinion to yourself or we won’t be visiting with you. 

She says something mean about you or husband to your child – You: Negative comments about me or my husband to my child are not ok. They aren’t ok to say to me, much less my child. I am not interested in hearing what you think. Do not ever speak badly about me to my child again. 

Post # 35
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

ladyvk :  I agree with Sassy here. The problem is not your relationship with your mother. The problem IS your mother. She has shown for over 18 years that she is incapable of being so much as polite to her own daughter. She is incapable of any kind of friendship/relationship that falls in the realm of healthy. I know you want your daughter to know her grandmother, but when grandma is a mean, spiteful, and rude individual, is it really worth it? Do you want your daughter subjected to the same negativity you’ve experienced for most of your life? Because your mother will not change. She will do to your daughter exactly what she did, and continues to do, to you. Time to let her go. I’m sorry. 

p.s. I would have lost my s#*! at the “is daddy hurting you” comment. Abuse is never a topic to take lightly or joke about. 

Post # 36
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

ladyvk :  

Personally if my own mother was badmouthing me to my child my mother would stop seeing my child until she could shape up.

Your mother is being downright rude. Ignore her “I live in another world” comments. She’s being nasty and raising your daughter to think that kind of talk is appropriate.

Post # 37
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

Time to distance yourself from her in a major way. She is abusive and is already poisoning your daughter with her bullshit. Do you really want the cycle of abuse to continue with your daughter not feeling she is good enough? Time to nip that shit in the bud now.

Just because she’s family doesn’t mean she gets a pass.

Post # 38
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

And regarding your dad, he’s as much to blame for allowing her abuse by way of keeping her in your life as a child. He should have kicked her out long ago and ended her access to  you. If he couldn’t or didn’t protect his own daughter, he won’t be able to protect his granddaughter.

Post # 39
Member
9174 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my mother is like that.  she is negative and turns everything about herself.  i quit her job to be our nanny, her dream job.  we had a long talk about not talking negatively in front of the kids.  when we are all together, i call her out on her negativity and suggest a better way to phrase things or just not add the snipets at the end.

it doesn’t really help.  my 3yo is with her 2 days a week and will be starting full days when camp starts in a few weeks.  then my daughter will be starting 3 days in janaury after she turns 2.  so being around her less will hopefully curb her negativity and just make her happy when she’s around the kids.

Post # 40
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

Mother in law here and I think that you are very right to stop her from making those types of remarks. Heck I’m not even on board with saying “your mom (dad) says no so we can’t do that” to an older child.

I think it sends the child the message that mom and dad are wrong and mean and you would say yes if only you were allowed to. I believe that if mom or dad says jr can’t do/have whatever then you honour that and do that without being passive agrressive. 

I am not the parent. It’s not my responsibility to make decisions about my grandchildren unless invited to do so by the parents. And it’s not appropriate for me to question parental decisions, particularly in front of the kids.

Post # 42
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

ladyvk :  Definitely don’t think you’re being too crazy or too sensitive.  Your mom is in the wrong.

Post # 43
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’d say you’re underreacting if anything. 

Anyone insinuating my husband (or I) was hurting my child? End the visit/get out of my house and we’ll take a several MONTH break from you. No warning, just end it. You offer to see her again when she demonstrates she can not be an asshole. 

How often are you seeing her? A week’s break won’t make much/if any of a difference. And DEFINITELY start looking into alternate childcare arrangements. Luckily you have several months to find something. Your mom is not safe childcare.

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