Post # 1
Not sure why I wanted to go anon for this.
I have been having some difficulties with my mom and my wedding planning and I guess I just really want all you Bee’s to tell me if I am the crazy one or it’s my mom’s behavior that is way out of line. Or if you have any tips on how to move forward from here.
First off, this type of my behavior from her is totally normal. She reacts and does things like this all the time. Her attitude is very; my way or the highway. She is also not contributing a penny to our wedding. Well, she offered to pay for my wedding dress, and then backtracked months later saying she couldnt help because her fiances changed (she admitted spent the money painting her house instead of saving it to pay for my dress, oh and did I mention she encouraged me to up my dress budget before backing out on paying?).
I visited my mother yesterday and she had a few choice things to say about my wedding. I have had to do most of my planning without her as every time I would show her a decision I had made, she would say it is not the way things should be done or a waste of money. One thing that set me over the edge to write this post was her comments on my table linens.
I am using navy satin table linens as they go with my colour scheme. However my mother has stated “That is just unacceptable, who has ever heard of doing something like that? They should always be white and nothing else is acceptable. I have spoken to your aunts and we will all be bringing our own white linens and replacing them at the reception“.
My fiance was with us and stood up to her, telling her to stop acting like a child throwing a tantrum. He saw I was visibly upset with her statements and defended me. My mother was quite upset at the way he spoke to her and is now furious with both of us for ‘disrespecting her’.
What the actual F. Am I nuts for thinking my mother is the one being just over the top rude, hurtful and just… dis-respectful?
I have already decided I will be speaking to the venue staff and letting them know that no one (unless specified by me) will be allowed into the reception hall prior to the reception officially opening. But I’m just to hurt and don’t know how to move forward from here. I cant believe I actually have to do this and tell all my vendors not to make any changes to anything unless it expressly comes from me.
Post # 2
If your mother shows up at your wedding reception and tries to change the table linens she will look a damn fool in front of everyone. Good for you and your Fiance for standing up to her.
Post # 3
timetogoanon1234 : Um wow. Your mom is way out of line. I don’t know anything about your aunts, but I would be shocked if your mom was able to find other human beings who would agree to do such a psychotic thing.
1) Set up a password with your vendors so no one can call to make changes pretending to be you.
2) Don’t tell your mom anything else about your wedding.
3) As you said, don’t let anyone into your reception ahead of time.
4) If you ever have children or pets, do not consider your mother as a potential babysitter or petsitter.
Post # 4
The what the actual F comment is absolutely appropriate when directed towards your mother’s behavior. She’s lucky to still be invited. You sound like you’re doing a good job being the bigger person here and I’m glad your fiance is sticking up for you. I would just stop telling her about anything that’s happening because she clearly can’t find a way to support your decisions and make you feel good about it. If she can’t add in a positive way to the experience, why bring her into planning at all.
Post # 5
You rmom is being ridiculous and inappropriate. Not to mention, she’s clearly not savvy with current trends; colored and patterned linens are very much a thing!
I suggest making it clear to your vendors, venue staff, etc that any changes must come directly from you or your fiance, and see about setting up a verbal password with any vendors you might deal with over the phone which must be provided in order to make changes. I promise, you will not be the first bride who has had to make these kind of arrangements with your vendors!
Also.. stop the information train with her. The fewer details she knows, the fewer opportunites she has to stir up a fuss.
For the tablecloths, if you think there is actual risk of her showing up at the venue with a pile of white tablecloths, make sure your venue knows about the situation. Do you have a Day Of Coordinator, or maybe a few friends who can stand guard if nothing else?
Post # 6
Your mom is in the wrong here. You mentioned your mom has always been like this. In that case this wedding is only bringing out what you knew she was like all along. It is sad, and I think kids who have a parent who isn’t the ideal loving parent have a period of mourning when they realize that being an adult now means putting their foot down with their parents innappropriate behavior. When you were a child she was able to act this way because you legitimately had to obey her demands. Now you are an adult and feeling what it finally feels like to go against her wishes. It would be great if you had a normal mom, who had normal boundaries and was understanding that this day is about you etc. But the only way you are going to be able to cope is to somehow make peace with the reality of who your mother is.
At this point you need to put up boundaries with her. She isn’t paying, so she doesn’t get a say. She also just proved to you that she is incapable of knowing information about your wedding and keeping her opinions to herself. Now that you know this you can shut down the info train with her. Do not give her details of what you are planning with your wedding. Memorize some phrases to say to her when she behaves inappropriately.
– We already decided on that, it is not up for discussion.
– No thank you, that has already been taken care of.
– You will find out at the wedding like all the other guests.
– Asked and answered. (When she tries to ask again after being told no.)
– That doesn’t work for us.
Get ready to repeat those phrases until she stops or you are forced to leave to end the conversation.
She throws a tantrum you say to her, I am not going to participate in this behavior I will talk to you later. Then you get up and leave wherever you are with her, or you hang up the phone, or say that and stop replying to her texts. Show her that when you say no, you mean no. That you aren’t a child she can treat however she wants to. It is going to be a bit of work to change your dynamic but you can do it.
If she tries to say she isnt’ coming to your wedding anymore you call her bluff.
” I am sorry you feel that way, if that is what you feel you need to do that is fine”
Post # 7
timetogoanon1234 : Your mom is being batshit crazy. Seriously? Table linens?
Honestly, I’d stop telling her ANYTHING at all about the wedding.
Post # 8
Your mom is way out of line, and I would have gone all the way OFF. Personally, I was very serious about my table linens to the extent that I sourced them from 3 different places to get the look I wanted so that would have really grinded my gears.
DO NOT share any further information with your mom. The only thing she needs to know from this point forward is what time she needs to show up to the venue for the procesional and where to stand/how to pose for pictures.
Post # 9
Also I doubt this is the first time she’s exhibited controlling behavior. I don’t know how old you are but I’m getting the sense that your mom is not used to you being an adult and making your decisions without her. Continue putting boundaries in place because she needs to learn, and if you don’t do it now it only gets worse.
Post # 10
pearlrose : Thanks for the password idea! I am setting that up TODAY!
throughthelookingglass87 : “If she can’t add in a positive way to the experience, why bring her into planning at all.” I keep saying this to her. I wish she would listen.
ladyjane123 : Thanks for all this! Very helpful.
cassiegirl : Definitely not intending to share any information as much as possible. She has definitely always been controlling but I have been trying to create boundries in the last years. I am 30 year old. However, despite my age, my mom seems to refuse to see or think of me as an adult. “It doesnt matter how old you are, you are my child” is one of her favorite phrases to justify her controlling behavior. Also; just wanted to say I really love how serious you are about the linens!
Post # 11
“I have already decided I will be speaking to the venue staff and letting them know that no one (unless specified by me) will be allowed into the reception hall prior to the reception officially opening.”
That is a good plan. Definitely do that. And as others already mentioned, don’t tell her any more details.
She’s absolutely ridiculous and out of line.
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
timetogoanon1234 : Wow bee I’m so sorry you have to deal with this crazy behavior. I’d ask her if she thinks it’s appropriate to walk into someone’s house and start redecorating without them knowing? Because this is essentially what she’s doing to you. Definitely notify the venue and close the reception space off to anyone before it starts, that is a great suggestion.
Post # 13
missmollybee : HA! This is super funny to me because she is doing a ton of renovations and painting to her house as she plans to sell it. I genuinely thought of sneaking in one day to her newly painted white on white on light grey on white dining room (literally) and painting one wall bright orange because “I think it looks better that way”.
But that is really petty and I usually pride myself on being the bigger person.
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
timetogoanon1234 : LMAO that would be priceless. I highly suggest this approach.
Post # 15
timetogoanon1234 : All of that sounds really aggravating (and disappointing because wedding planning has enough of its own stressors without adding someone sabotaging you on top of things.).
If your mother messes with your table linens, give yourself full permission to paint a big ass tomato red stripe in her dining room. That way, you aren’t stressing about her behavior at your wedding reception, you are gleefully imagining what color would be bright enough to make your point.
You could also notify your venue/coordinator that if anyone appears to be trying to change the decor at your wedding, they need to be thrown out, no matter who they are.
You could also tell them you have a delusional stalker who thinks she’s your mother and she tends to pop up at the oddest times with random swaths of fabric so they should be on the lookout for her.