Mother is going behind my back and changing my decor

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
6002 posts
Bee Keeper

If your mother shows up at your wedding reception and tries to change the table linens she will look a damn fool in front of everyone. Good for you and your Fiance for standing up to her.

Post # 3
Member
1681 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

timetogoanon1234 :  Um wow.  Your mom is way out of line.  I don’t know anything about your aunts, but I would be shocked if your mom was able to find other human beings who would agree to do such a psychotic thing.  

1) Set up a password with your vendors so no one can call to make changes pretending to be you.

2) Don’t tell your mom anything else about your wedding.  

3)  As you said, don’t let anyone into your reception ahead of time.

4) If you ever have children or pets, do not consider your mother as a potential babysitter or petsitter.  

Holy cannoli.

Post # 4
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

The what the actual F comment is absolutely appropriate when directed towards your mother’s behavior. She’s lucky to still be invited. You sound like you’re doing a good job being the bigger person here and I’m glad your fiance is sticking up for you. I would just stop telling her about anything that’s happening because she clearly can’t find a way to support your decisions and make you feel good about it. If she can’t add in a positive way to the experience, why bring her into planning at all.

Post # 5
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee

You rmom is being ridiculous and inappropriate.  Not to mention, she’s clearly not savvy with current trends; colored and patterned linens are very much a thing!  

I suggest making it clear to your vendors, venue staff, etc that any changes must come directly from you or your fiance, and see about setting up a verbal password with any vendors you might deal with over the phone which must be provided in order to make changes. I promise, you will not be the first bride who has had to make these kind of arrangements with your vendors!

Also.. stop the information train with her.  The fewer details she knows, the fewer opportunites she has to stir up a fuss.

For the tablecloths, if you think there is actual risk of her showing up at the venue with a pile of white tablecloths, make sure your venue knows about the situation.  Do you have a Day Of Coordinator, or maybe a few friends who can stand guard if nothing else?

Post # 6
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee

Your mom is in the wrong here. You mentioned your mom has always been like this. In that case this wedding is only bringing out what you knew she was like all along. It is sad, and I think kids who have a parent who isn’t the ideal loving parent have a period of mourning when they realize that being an adult now means putting their foot down with their parents innappropriate behavior. When you were a child she was able to act this way because you legitimately had to obey her demands. Now you are an adult and feeling what it finally feels like to go against her wishes. It would be great if you had a normal mom, who had normal boundaries and was understanding that this day is about you etc. But the only way you are going to be able to cope is to somehow make peace with the reality of who your mother is. 

At this point you need to put up boundaries with her. She isn’t paying, so she doesn’t get a say. She also just proved to you that she is incapable of knowing information about your wedding and keeping her opinions to herself. Now that you know this you can shut down the info train with her. Do not give her details of what you are planning with your wedding. Memorize some phrases to say to her when she behaves inappropriately. 

– We already decided on that, it is not up for discussion. 

– No thank you, that has already been taken care of.

– You will find out at the wedding like all the other guests. 

– Asked and answered. (When she tries to ask again after being told no.) 

– That doesn’t work for us. 

Get ready to repeat those phrases until she stops or you are forced to leave to end the conversation.

She throws a tantrum you say to her, I am not going to participate in this behavior I will talk to you later. Then you get up and leave wherever you are with her, or you hang up the phone, or say that and stop replying to her texts. Show her that when you say no, you mean no. That you aren’t a child she can treat however she wants to. It is going to be a bit of work to change your dynamic but you can do it. 

If she tries to say she isnt’ coming to your wedding anymore you call her bluff. 

” I am sorry you feel that way, if that is what you feel you need to do that is fine” 

 

Post # 7
Member
6626 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

timetogoanon1234 :  Your mom is being batshit crazy. Seriously? Table linens?

Honestly, I’d stop telling her ANYTHING at all about the wedding. 

Post # 8
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee

Your mom is way out of line, and I would have gone all the way OFF.  Personally, I was very serious about my table linens to the extent that I sourced them from 3 different places to get the look I wanted so that would have really grinded my gears. 

DO NOT share any further information with your mom.  The only thing she needs to know from this point forward is what time she needs to show up to the venue for the procesional and where to stand/how to pose for pictures.

Post # 9
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee

Also I doubt this is the first time she’s exhibited controlling behavior.  I don’t know how old you are but I’m getting the sense that your mom is not used to you being an adult and making your decisions without her.  Continue putting boundaries in place because she needs to learn, and if you don’t do it now it only gets worse.   

Post # 11
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

“I have already decided I will be speaking to the venue staff and letting them know that no one (unless specified by me) will be allowed into the reception hall prior to the reception officially opening.”

That is a good plan. Definitely do that. And as others already mentioned, don’t tell her any more details.

She’s absolutely ridiculous and out of line.

Post # 12
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

timetogoanon1234 :  Wow bee I’m so sorry you have to deal with this crazy behavior. I’d ask her if she thinks it’s appropriate to walk into someone’s house and start redecorating without them knowing? Because this is essentially what she’s doing to you. Definitely notify the venue and close the reception space off to anyone before it starts, that is a great suggestion. 

Post # 14
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

timetogoanon1234 :  LMAO that would be priceless. I highly suggest this approach. 

Post # 15
Member
5744 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

timetogoanon1234 :  All of that sounds really aggravating (and disappointing because wedding planning has enough of its own stressors without adding someone sabotaging you on top of things.).

If your mother messes with your table linens, give yourself full permission to paint a big ass tomato red stripe in her dining room. That way, you aren’t stressing about her behavior at your wedding reception, you are gleefully imagining what color would be bright enough to make your point.

You could also notify your venue/coordinator that if anyone appears to be trying to change the decor at your wedding, they need to be thrown out, no matter who they are.

You could also tell them you have a delusional stalker who thinks she’s your mother and she tends to pop up at the oddest times with random swaths of fabric so they should be on the lookout for her.

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