Post # 16
I think you considering involving your mother in the engagement is part of the guilt response she has conditioned in you. I think until she seeks treatment for her personality disorder, there is a good chance that she will try to ruin every good thing in your life when you share it with her. If you want to keep her in your life, I would give her limited information and limited involvement. And know (and remind yourself) that her response to you is 100% her disorder and that there is nothing wrong with you.
Post # 17
lovestairs : lol ok thanks for clearing that up. I guess my SO is screwed too, LOL.
everyone else has the advice covered, just say no.
Post # 18
I also wanted to add that, when you and your boyfriend do become engaged and begin planning a wedding, be prepared for your mother’s BPD to feel like it’s in overdrive. My wedding is in July and dealing with her during planning has literally been the most difficult thing. Her acting out is worse since marriage is basically a sign telling her she’s losing control and influence over me, in big, neon flashing lights.
Post # 19
lovestairs : oh but I would say, that the hurtful behaviour you describe doesn’t match BPD. People with BPD are more focused on hurting themselves than the people around them. They’re terrified the people around them will leave, and the worst they’ll do to others is push them away to “protect” themselves.
its misdiagnosed all the time, and I’m no professional… but if it were me I’d question that diagnosis.
Post # 20
ChasingZenith : hey, that was a really lovely reply but I just wanted to say that in some circumstances, BPD can be cured. However it takes about five years of intensive therapy and dedication to personal growth, and not everyone is capable of that, particularly in severe cases. I know from personal experience that things CAN improve with BPD (EUPD) if the individual is willing.
Post # 21
twentytwenty : There can absolutely be major improvement with all personality disorders upon self-recognizance and stringent and consistent therapy. I’m reluctant to use the word “cure” as it relates to personality disorders, though. Certain behavioral patterns can be replaced with others or suppressed completely, but there is always the chance of someone slipping back into old patterns with the occurence of certain stimuli, such as stress or major life changes. PDs are “controlled” more than they are “cured”.
(I realize this is all semantics… so we’ll say yes, there can be major improvement with consistent treatment, and sometimes, with enough persistence, symptoms can be effectively controlled to the point that the person is able to live a normal life… thank goodness!)
OP, I hope your mom does decide to seek help at some point, because there are things she could do that would improve her quality of life and yours. The rub is that she has to recognize she has a problem, and then she has to dedicate herself to improving.
Post # 22
lovestairs : I have a difficult relationship with my mom too. You know what she’s going to do because your whole life she has shown you who she is. You want her to be there for you etc but is that who she is? Is that who she has shown you she is? Is it reality and is it healthy for you to keep putting yourself out there just to be hurt again? Why ruin your happiness with her misery? Just my thoughts.
Post # 23
lovestairs : Sorry to hear about your issues with mom. It can be tough. Can I ask if your mom is divorced or never married? Are you the only child? My friend struggled with her mom all her life. Parents divorced and mom never re-married, and my firend being the only child. For her mom any bf she had was not good enough, to the point of telling her daughter that no one would marry her. Now when she is married and in her 40es , her mom is still trying to guilt trip her to get attention anyway she can.
It’s great that you are seeing a therapist. Long time ago I got an advice to read this book. Helpled me to understand more about myself and issues that I got from childhood. Book is called ” Getting the love you want” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
Post # 24
Aww bee I’m sorry such a time of joy is so tough.
I do think PP have good points that you are reacting to guilt and letting her needs dictate your behavior.
The bad news is there is no choice you can make that will please her long enough so that she isn’ t cruel.
You are still chasing after s dream of a parent but she will never be that person
she will always find your happiness threatening because it means you don’t need her and might leave her
my FI’s Mom has diagnosed BPD and is unmanaged and unmedicated she tries to undermine him, she tried to get me on her side by lying about him to me, she’s just toxic. She never showed up When he was hospitalized for a week with something serious. it’s sad but it is what she chooses.
so Fi decided for now to not include her in his life each person has to make their own choice. some can make it work, but be careful that you aren’t choosing based on what she needs
this is your life you only get one. you are the only person whose job it is to ensure your own happpiness , so choose accordingly
big non creepy internet hugs
Sorry for typos etc ! My phone hates the bee
Post # 25
“it would mean the world to her”
Who cares? Your mom sounds like a horrible person who doesn’t care about you. Why share an important and touching moment in your life with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you? Why share your joy with her? Why share your life with her? If you get nothing out of your relationship with her, why continue it?
Post # 26
Aw I’m sorry you’re going through this, at such an exciting time in your life what you don’t need is this!!
If I was you I’d keep your Mum’s involvement in the proposal/engagement/wedding at a minimum, almost none existence. Move in together and absolutely love this phase in your relationship!!
Your Mum has that diagnosis and I understand how hard that must be for you, I am a nurse and specialise in personality disorder. Every person is different and they have there own way in which their disorder will manifest, do you have involvement with her care team?? Can you arrange a meeting with them to help you?? I definitely suggest boundaries, it may sound harsh but from my experience these are a God send, and hopefully will benefit both you and her.
Hugs Bee 🤗
Post # 27
I want to do a cute proposal thing with my boyfriend, even if we don’t do an official engagement (many things up in the air), and I know it would mean the world to her if I involved her in the proposal,
To me this is the oddest thing OP. I confess I don’t know what you meant by you ‘want to do a ‘cute proposal thing’ anyway , but to involve your mother ……wtf? even if you were on the best of terms. How does your boyfriend feel about this idea – or is it just you and your mum sort of proposing to him?
I think you need to cultivate a bit of emotional distance between you and your mother , it sounds not altogether healthy tbh. It is her , not you, doing this but you are getting sucked into the vortex, to the extent that you are considering how to involve your mother in your upcoming marriage proposal!
Post # 28
Im.sorry, personality disorders are really hard. Hugs. That being said stop rewarding bad behavior. She mocks you and makes you cry and says the love of your life looks like a pedophile. Don’t ruin your proposal by trying to include her. She is your mom but she is toxic -it is a hard thing to do and realize that someone you love is way too harmful to you to have in your life. I hope you can move away from her until she gets help, if she ever does.
Post # 29
Even most people with good parent relationships don’t involve their parents in the proposal! It’s not like you’re denying her some normal thing that children do with their parents. You absolutely shouldn’t include her in yours.