Post # 1
Strap in for a long one bees…
My older sis is getting married in December and I myself got engaged earlier this year. My mom and sis have had a lot of drama during the run up to the wedding and at times have not been speaking. My mom is extremely over bearing and seems to take any difference of opinion personally which is challenging when both me and my sis have completely different ideas about what our weddings should look like to my mom who wants a traditional stuffy affair. Things hit a head when my sis made a causal call to my mom during which things got a bit tense. This was in now way a major argument and my sis left the call with no hard feelings. My mom on the other hand was telling anyone that would listen that my sis was not speaking to her??? A family member eventually let my sis in on this and she was upset that my mom would think this and so called to make sure everything was ok. My mom flipped when called out and screamed, cried and slammed the phone down.
My dad has sorta stuck up for her staying she’s just ‘excited’ about being MOB. Thing is this is my moms classic reaction to any form of criticism or things not going her way. I’ve stuck up for my sis throughout and whilst things are back on speaking terms I worry for my own day and how to handle her during the process.
She has been mad about not being invited on spur of the moment shopping trips for wedding stuff despite living far away and being difficult about taking part when asked. She stayed silent during bridal shower and had a face like thunder as she thought another Bridesmaid or Best Man was taking things away from her when she went with me sis to get her veil. She has nothing, and I mean nothing positive to say about the details of the wedding. I mean it’s not my style either but I beam when shown anything by my sis! She has been going crazy having numerous hair and make up trials (more than the bride!) and seems more concerned with how she’s will look on the day. She says bad things about the wedding to other family members all the time. She says the second most important person at a wedding is the MOB (wtf???)
She thinks my wedding and planning will somehow be different but to be honest I’m planning everything with my fiancée and don’t want her negative opinions. I even want to keep my dress a secret but she keeps telling people about all the things I am planning to do with her – things never even mentioned by me. I don’t want to have the same experience my sister has and have already been quite direct about things we are/are not doing to nip it in the bud now but she just doesn’t listen. Put simply, if something is now her way then she treats it like an attack on her even it is has nothing to do with her!
Advice needed on a. How to help sis on her wedding day if mom misbehaves and b. How to avoid this myself
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Start saying NO now. It’s not your fault if she has expectations that are outrageous, not is it your job to meet them. I’d be inclined to not discuss your wedding with her at all. If she asks about planning, say ‘It’s going well,’ then change the subject. If she comes back to it, say ‘I don’t want to discuss it at the moment,’ and when she kicks off, say ‘you seem to be having trouble controlling your emotions. Perhaps we should try again next week/month/year,’ then leave, usher her out or hang up. Basically, don’t tolerate her behaviour. You wouldn’t give in to a tantruming child – she’s just a bigger version.
In terms of your sister’s wedding, can you find someone who will remove your mother if she starts to make a scene?
Post # 3
I plan to run interference myself…it’s not that she would make a scene, not shouting anyway but for example at the bridal shower she just all of a sudden went quiet and wouldn’t engage. We had no idea what could have possibly been said or done as it was light hearted chat about weddings. If asked if she was ok a curt ‘fine’ was all we could get out of her. I stopped asking as I couldn’t be bothered with it and made sure my sis had a good time. Later learned that Bridesmaid or Best Man2 had gone with my sister to a bridal shop when she went to look at veils as she herself wanted to look at dresses in the same store for her own wedding…the shop was far away and so it made sense for the both to go together. My mom thinks that Bridesmaid or Best Man2 is ‘taking things away from her’. Honestly I think she’s just being a good friend and helping out as my sis lives far away from most of us and any ‘bridal party’ trio of any kind takes months of planning to get everyone in the same place.
Post # 4
mrshwa2be : Are your parents helping financially with your wedding? If they are, I’d suggest not taking money from them as they will want more of a say. You should keep her out of it as much as possible, like PP said.
She sounds a bit narcissistic. And clear boundaries need to be drawn with consequences. Your sister should start enforcing them.
I have no idea why weddings bring out the worst in people. It should be a happy time. Unfortunately that’s not always the case..
Post # 5
Thanks bees. We’re paying…but for that exact reason. They are contributing towards my sis’s wedding and having seen what’s gone on that made our decision to go out on our own.
It’s funny that you mention the narc…have suspected for a while as she has gotten worse the last few years although really brought to a head with the wedding. I often wondered if she was just bored and lonely, doesn’t have many friends or interests and nothing else to focus on but it’s like she lives for the drama. She will try and find controversy where it doesn’t exist for example she seemed genuinely disappointed/in disbelief when I insisted that I get on with my Future Mother-In-Law, almost like she wanted there to be something wrong!
Post # 6
mrshwa2be : Oh hon, don’t think for one second you’re gonna get away with no drama. This is attention seeking at its finest and yes based on your description, I’d suspect an N personality. However, N personalities don’t just appear one day. N personalities have always been N. If you look back over your life you’d be able to tell the signs. Its just harder to see because you grew up with it and it was probably normal to you.
Make no mistake, many of the antics she’s trying now she’ll definitely try when its your time to get married. N’s want attention and they may do whatever they need to to get it.
Like the pp’s said, boundaries need to be made. Absolute zero tolerance for bad behavior should be the rule of the day and consequences clearly outlined and enforced. It is the only way you can keep things as drama free as possible. Good luck bee.