(Closed) Mother regretting kids – Article

posted 7 years ago in Parenting
Post # 109
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think it is important that stories like this get shared: not everyone wants kids, and people don’t always think it is ok to not want them. 

Society is so hard on women.  

 

Post # 110
Member
3075 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

Oh my God. Yeah, I think she’s horrible, of course not because she didn’t want children, but because she still did. Ugh, how does that logic work? . “My sweetheart wants kids and I don’t, we’ll figure that out later, nbd! La dee da. It wouldn’t be right of me to deny him his right to be a father, I suppose I’ll have his child, though I never wanted one, but that’s okay because I’ll take care of him even though I’m not looking forward to his birth. How selfish of me, having  child I resent, might as well have another”. 

*Face Palm*Undecided

Post # 111
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I didn’t read the entire thing, but the line “I believe it is utterly selfish to have an only one” struck me as pretty intense. I think a lot of what she wrote was selfish, but different strokes…

I’m also CBC and I think it might be that we’re from such different times that I really wouldn’t consider having kids just because it was “unfair” for my spouse not to. If my spouse knew and understood that I don’t want children, he should not marry me and expect me to change my mind (just like I shouldn’t expect him to change his if it’s the other way around). I think THAT made me the most mad. You don’t have to want children. That doesn’t make you abnormal. But not to stand by the choices you make and then blame others (husband, children) for the way your life turned out is ridiculous.

 

Post # 112
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

I have to admit, I don’t have an issue with this article.

She may have gone about it in the wrong way, but I feel it’s good to clarify that not all women are baby-obsessed breeding machines. We do want other things, and many of us do not want kids but have them to follow social norms and expectations.

I want one child maximum. If I had none I would be happy. SO on the other hand wants two or three, and I get it from him too, ‘It’ll be different when they’re yours’. I think it’s good to stand against that.

Post # 113
Member
6290 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Articles like this make me so thankful for being a strong character, living in a time where, while not socially acceptable, it is easier to be childfree.

The amount of criticism I have faced for being childfree is astounding; and almost everyone t5ells me I will change my mind, or that it’ll be different when it’s my own. I know myself; and I know that I would be EXACTLY like this woman. I would be miserable as a mother, and resent the children, because motherhood never has, and never will, appeal to me, at all.

I just wish more people were as honest as she is, and could openly say ‘You know what? For me, motherhood sucks, and I wish I’d made different choices’. Because then, childfreedom might gradually become more acceptable, and more understood. While we continue perpetuating this stupid myth that it’s ‘different when it’s your own’, and that everyone ‘has’ to be a mother, people who don’t want, and frankly shouldn’t have, children, may have the strength to do what is right for them, rathere than being bullied or pressured into something that isn’t, or brainwashed into thinking everything will be fine, and that there’ll be some magic moment where they realise ‘it’s SOOOOO worth it!’; because for a lot of people, that moment never comes.

I’m strong enough to know my own mind, and stand up for myself; but it gets wearing. I can see how 30 years ago, things may have been different for me, and I can also see how if I wasn’t such a strong character (my OH knows that if he decides he wants children, that’s it; we’re over) I may have been pressured into thinking I ‘should’ have them, convincing myself that it’d all work out OK.

Post # 114
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just like there are people who know they want kids, there are ones who don’t. Except that it’s not really acceptable for people to say they don’t want kids, especially if they’re a woman. I am the same as her in that I too never wanted kids and although I played with dolls, I never once thought of it as preparing for the day that I would be a parent. My SO wants kids but knows that I don’t, so if I happen to change my mind, great. But if I don’t he’s prepared for that too and fully understands that there’s about a 99% chance that he’ll never be a father. Why? Because I’m not really a fan of kids. I don’t find them that cute or fun or enjoyable. I do, however, find them annoying, grating, loud and ill-mannered (though I blame parenting for that really). The idea of being at the beck and call of a child for years and years scares me.

I finally found a great guy and the idea of splitting what little time i have with him with a child doesn’t fill me with the desire to rush out and procreate. Plus, our sex life would take a dive, the city I live in is one of the most, if not the most, expensive places to live in the world and my degree would be wasted because I would be a Stay-At-Home Mom so that I could instill me and my SO’s values and morals in our child(ren) and get them very adequately prepared for school (reading, writing, various languages, speaking etc). I just wouldn’t trust someone else with those things. Also, I would have little to no support outside of my SO in that his family doesn’t share the same values or educational background that we would want for our child and my parents have said that they won’t babysit (they don’t want grandkids).

So to sum it up, I agree with what a PP said: If you value what being a parent can give you, then it’s worth it. But if you don’t value it, then being a parent simply isn’t for you and those who are pro-parenthood can’t convince you otherwise because you can’t understand their position, just like they can’t really understand yours.

All of this being said, I must admit that I was quite taken aback at the extremely frank nature of the article, and that there were many parts of it that I objected to. If you don’t want a child, don’t have one to make someone else happy. This lady is proof that doing so can end very badly and is horribly unfair to the children, to say the least.

Post # 115
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@distracts:  +1 this is my biggest fear – I’m glad someone had the courage to speak about it.

Post # 116
Member
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Well, if the kids are not screwed up, it’s because of their father. I think he deserves some credit for being such a fully engaged and loving dad.  At least they had one parent who really wanted them.

I have never wanted kids myself, so I just don’t have any.  

 

 

 

 

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