Mother says fiancé is apathetic towards her

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
8759 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

While, think for the sake of family relationships your mom should have handled this with a simple reminder or additional request she really shouldn’t have to. 

FI should get in the habit of writing these things down for himself in the future and giving her an idea of when he might have the time. I think it’s probably the least he can do for someone who is providing him rent free housing and would show maturity and appreciation.

If he doesn’t want to feel any sort of sense of responsibility to anyone else, he can always move. 

Post # 17
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

weddingmaven :  She isn’t providing him rent free housing though, OP has stated he pays her mom money to live there. 

Post # 18
8759 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

zzar45 :  The move was for financial reasons, but you’re right that he’s paying something toward the rent. I don’t think the main point is much different, though. He wasn’t able to support a rent payment on his own plus save as much as he is right now. She’s still doing him a favor. 

Post # 19
3192 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think your FI being willing to do chores for your mother is important and generous as she is doing both of you a favor but is she requesting things of YOU as well? Your mother is coming across as both controlling and needy. Your FI is not her husband or partner and it’s actually NOT his job to do tasks on her Honey Do List. Especially if she’s specifically making requests of him rather than both of you. It sounds like she’s specifically focusing on him with her requests and there’s something funky about that.

Also, why does it matter if he’s “apathetic” toward her? He doesn’t need to adore her, just be polite. He’s marrying YOU. Not her. Your mother sounds like she’s a little unclear on boundaries.

For the time being I think a notepad is a good idea (and I would put it someplace for HER to add things to it. If she’s going to make requests she should at least be able and willing to call it what it is.) and both you and your FI can work on the tasks on it. I would also speed up the timeline for a move before things come to a head.

Post # 21
8122 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly as an outsider looking in it sounds like mum is fed up with having him/you both living in her house and is being passive agressive in order to make the living environment uncomfortable so you move out.

Are you guys paying fair marketplace rent or is this token mum and dad rent? Is the rent you pay also enough to cover the bills like utilities? Who does the housework?

I think the majority of parents with children in your situation (depressed job market) would not want to be seen “throwing” their kid out on the street so to speak but maybe she is frustrated with the situation?

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