Post # 1
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
anybody else out there who feels like you dont have a good relationship with your mother?
ill set the scene: parents have been married for 30 yrs, mum was brought up in a strict traditional european family, when i was young both parents were excellent and dad always more loving than mum, when i got my period for the first time mum refused to talk to me about it it was dad who did,mum always accuses my dad of giving in to me as she has lost her nurturing state a long time ago. Even on my wedding day – we had a destination wedding with a very small number of guests and no bridesmaids- mum refused to be with me in the salon while i was getting my hair and makeup done.
She constantly has a scowly and horrible look on her face when she sees me and she is very passive aggressive towards me. she has already told me that shes not going to help us out via babysitting even 1 day a week when we do decide to have kids as “noone helped her”.
am i the only one with a mother who hates me??
Post # 4
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee
@littleG: You’re not alone. My mother has borderline personality disorder, and it’s definitely made our relationship rocky. One minute I’m the greatest daughter in the world, and the next she absolutely hates me. I’m about to go to bed so sorry I can’t commiserate more tonight, but I have written about my issues with my mom in a thread titles “Has anyone ever had to deal with living with someone with BPD?” Or something to that effect.
Post # 5
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@littleG: My mother doesn’t hate me, and I was lucky if I could get her to babysit once every month or two. Simply because she was was working and had a social life. I wouldn’t worry too much about the babysitting comment.
Some of the other stuff is weird, though. I don’t know, but *hugs*.
Post # 6
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
I can’t say I can relate, but I feel badly that your mother treats you that way:( It’s unfair and hurtful. However, my mother and I are very close and she’s said that she and my dad won’t help with my kids, if I have any. So maybe it’s just their way of saying “Don’t think of me as a free babysitter” kind of thing.
Post # 7
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
@littleG: oh I get it, my situation is probably a bit more on the extreme side, my mother could never be described as excellent. Has it occurred to you that she might be jealous of you? Perhaps of your fathers attention, of achievements you’ve made or generally of the supporto you have?
My advice is always to keep negative people out of your life, maybe try talking to her and if in the end, she can’t or won’t change, tell her that you love her, but you need positive people around you.
Good luck, it’s a very hard situation to be in.
Post # 8
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
thanks bees, its just so upsetting as i would love to have a good relationship with my mum … but its so hard when all she does is scowl and kill any good and positive moments.
is it possible for a mother to be jealous of her daughter though?? surely thats not normal??!
Post # 9
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@littleG: That really sucks. A lot. As difficult ads it is; have you approached her about her behaviour? Maybe something happened that you don’t know about …
I do have an idea of what you mean, though. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother growing up. Even as a little child with many things that have happened that still affect me to this day. She has changed in mellowing out and such but because of those things that happened we have a distant relationship. She is great with my sister’s daughters …
EDIT TO ADD: I just read your last comment and if you are along the same thinking as Freud mothers are jealous of their daughters and Fathers of their sons lol.
Post # 10
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
ive asked her why shes so angry towards me and her response is “because your yucky” … yep thats right!! 50 year old lady talking like that to her daughter.
also forgot to mention she couldnt wait to clear my bedroom at their place when i got married and moved out, everytime i speak to her all she asks is when am i going to come past and collect the rest of my things (things i dont need but they kept). all my friends parents kept their bedrooms as is for when grandkids come along …. mine turned it into a junk room to store more of their rubbish.
and im not the type to depend on her as a “free babysitter” but just a normal mothr who would be happy to assist when need be
Post # 11
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
Sounds a lot like my mother, especially the whole ‘why should I help you, no one helped me’ bit.
I’m 44 and my mother has had that attitude my whole life. I think it appalling, frankly. I actually thought that parents naturally wanted better (or at least as good as) for their children. When I realised in my late teens that my mother didn’t feel like that it was a huge disappointment.
And yes, my mother is jealous of me…and no, I don’t think it’s normal. Mine is mainly because I’ve refused to be a doormat – and she has described herself as that – when it comes to men. She was a total martyr when it came to my father and his affairs….I honestly don’t know what she thought her ‘reward’ for doing so would be. He ended up leaving her nearly 24 years ago, and she’s been bitter and angry ever since. Done absolutely nothing to pick herself up and move on.
I deliberately live on the other side of the world from her, I decided after my 1st divorce 20 years ago, when she drove me to a nervous breakdown, that I don’t care who someone is, if they are a negative influence in my life, they won’t be in my life. I’ve only seen her once every decade since.
Post # 12
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
@Baal: yep that sounds like my mother. She even had the nerves to tell me that i should be marrying a man who would work 3 jobs when we have kids as she is downright against childcare “i looked after your brother and you i didnt throw you into childcare so your not doing that” …. do you believe that??!
shes impossible to get sense out of
Post # 13
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
@littleG: Sounds like it’s time to distance yourself from her. If she isn’t making any positive contributions to your life, and just insults you, then why talk to her or spend time with her? Just because she’s related to you, that doesn’t mean she automatically deserves your time. And from your description, it sounds like both of you might be happier if the relationship were more remote.
Post # 14
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
I get it. I think my mom has bpd too. I’m on my nook so I can’t type much but you can fm me if you have questions. Distance does wonders.
Post # 15
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
I can relate, but in a different way. My mom is extremely selfish and a functional alcoholic (so there is no talking to her about it). I could go on and on and get more and more into my life story (my dad was completely out of the picture), but I can relate to not having a close relationship. I also have two kids and my mom blames everyone but herself for not seeing them. Its frustrating and it hurts, but I just try to ignore it the best I can. Needless to say, I do not depend on my mom much for anything, and have barely spoke with her about the wedding ideas.
Post # 16
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
Thanks bees for your advice and words, I think distance is the answer too. Although, she told me the other day that she “demands” I call her once a week. pppft yeah right!! dream on lady!!