Post # 1
My mother and I were discussing the photography at my wedding and she will not let go of the idea that the photographer is an opportunity for her to get formal family photographs. I realize we will be getting plenty of those sorts of shots but she is requesting that I ask the photographer to do shots of just her and my father and just my nieces “because we will all be together and look nice”. Maybe I am being overly sensitive but I feel it is inappropriate to ask to use my wedding photographer for your own means. I want pictures of the people she wants pictures of but I want them to include my fiancé and I as it is OUR wedding day. She seems to believe she can ask for both. I don’t want many formal photographs to begin with as that is not our style at all and I want them to be about us, as it’s our day.
Part of my issue is that with everything in my planning, my mother has tried to make it about her. She’s forced my hand and had me invite a number of guests I have absolutely no interest in having attend. I had always envisioned my day to be quite intimate and just those that truly play an active role in our lives but she would not stop picking arguments with me about it so I finally conceded to her wishes. Now she has started in with the photographer and it’s really rubbing me wrong as I do not want to spend hours on formal photographs that either don’t even involve my fiancé and I (so that would be time away from the photographer being able to shoot things we actually want) or just having a myriad of shots we don’t care for or want.
Has anyone else had to deal with this? If so, how did they handle it?
Post # 2
First of all, is she paying for the photographer, or are you? I think it’s inappropriate for her to want this either way. But if she’s paying, there’s not much you can do about it. If you’re paying, tell her the photographer is there beause of your wedding, and she can schedule him for her family photo shoot at another time.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
annemw333: I dealt with this too a little. It’s weird right? Fammilies get all desperate when there’s formal clothing and a photographer and everyone’s under one roof. It really does make mommies happy though to have some nice professional photos. I would appease her and give a shot list to the photog and have him go through it quickly
My photos was like:
MOM AND BRIDE, line up please!!!
MOM AND MOM’S SIDE!
DAD AND BRIDE!
BRIDE WITH NEICES AND NEPHEWS!
bam bam bam
Post # 4
strawbabies: That is my dilemma. She will likely be paying for the photographer. I am beyond grateful for my parents helping with the larger expenses like the caterer and photographer but it is still OUR day and I want to try and make sure that with my mother’s rather enveloping energy and personality, it doesn’t all end up being about her.
Post # 5
lealorali: We already have a much longer list than I would like and my potential photographer said to budget 3-5 minutes per photo and as we have it now, we already have nearly an hour’s worth of formals. The thing is my mom wants formals that don’t even include me and my fiance. This is where I want to draw the line because we will only have one shooter and if he is shooting an endless list of my mom’s formals, he won’t be available for the candid shots I prefer of the actual reception and such.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
annemw333: whoa whoa whoaaa… 3-5 minutes PER photo?!!! That seems like way too long. I am foreseeing a lot of awkward frozen smiles. Mine were like 45 seconds each! We were all standing close, maybe that expedited it.
When it comes down to it, the focus needs to be on YOU and your family. Unless your photographer can take the shots quicker (which he shold be able to, honestly), tell her tough cookies.
Post # 7
annemw333: Many families do use weddings as an opportunity to update family photographs, so she’s not alone in that idea.
If she only wants one of the two of them and one of the nieces, I don’t see that as a big deal and it certainly wouldn’t take hours that don’t involve your fiancé and yourself.<br />
Is there any chance you are bucking her on this because of the other issues between you that have nothing to do with the photos?
Post # 8
Sorry, I agree with your mom here. Having a picture of just your parents on your wedding day seems pretty standard. Especially if they are paying. We had couples only pictures of all bridal party and immediate family and grandparents.
my photographer was really quick with formal portraits, and spent no longer than a minute on each one. The extra time is probably an estimate of tracking everyone down.
I would suggest a compromise – mom, the photographer only has time for (3) formals for you. If you give him/her a list we can try to work those in.
Post # 9
annemw333: We did this! My in-laws are very, very into photos, especially family/group photos. Here is how we solved it– the photographer would be at the church 30 minutes ahead of setting up (an hour before the cermony started) and she was there to do as many family photos as we could get in. We requested nice photos of each of DH’s siblings and their family’s and then whatever configurations they had time for. After the wedding was over, the only family photos would be the few on my list and all of them would have both Darling Husband and me in them. They got their photos and were so happy! They were on every Christmas card. It also meant Darling Husband and all of his family was there on time, so it saved stress. I didn’t have to sit through family photos, so I was super happy.
It also had no impact on me getting ready or needing the photographer– it was when I was in the limo going to the church and got all of my family photos in much quicker. Everyone raves about how I did it and it honestly did not cause me to sacrifice a single photo that I wanted. I get your point– it could be viewed as selfish to ask. I certainly viewed it that way at first. But when I viewed it as a huge gift that saved each of DH’s siblings hundreds of dollars (and future arguments with kids about having to get dressed up for another photo day). I honestly love the family photos– they are some of my favorite from the wedding.
Post # 10
annemw333: This is EXACTLY what happened at my first wedding, except nobody asked me, they just asked the photographer (as she was a friend of the family). In the end my wedding shots were 1 to 5 of their family shots. The photographer only took ONE shot of me and my bridesmaids and it was slightly out of focus. I was pissed beyond belief.
Post # 11
I actually thought your mom’s request was pretty normal – especially if the parents are paying. She’s right – you guys are all together and look nice – why waste the opportunity? You’ll get your wedding photos and they’ll also get some family photos (which in some cases are easier to frame and display – no issue of anyone being offended that only so-and-sos wedding photo is up).
Post # 12
This is a great solution to something that’s really not that big of a deal.
Post # 13
annemw333: When someone is paying for a service, they want a certain type of service. If you want full control, the solution is to pay for it yourselves. Financial help wonderful, but it does come with strings.
Post # 14
annemw333: If you want the photography to be 100% about your vision / wishes and not include formal family (with you and your groom) then you need to pay for your photography yourself.
Post # 15
annemw333: First of all, will the photographer even have time to do family photos that your mum wants? My guess would be no(s/he hasn’t accounted the time to do so) in which case, it will either cut into your bridal photo(which is totally not ok!) OR cut into your timeline(make your guests wait around even longer inbetween ceremony and recption. Personally I wouldn’t have either, so I would kindly tell her there’s no time for the photographer to take those photos. But maybe you could have formal photos the next or something(?) when all the out of town guests are still in town(hopefully)
Im having a similar issue, where I told my mum she had to have her hair and makeup done by 8:30, 8:45 at latest. But mum seems to think the photographer will just wait around for her to get ready(she’s not even starting hair and makeup until 8:30).
The main point Im getting at, its YOUR day, so therfore YOUR photos. I think on this one day of your life you can tell your mum to pull her head in. Once again, in my opinion. GOODLUCK!!