Post # 1
Hi. My parents of 20+ years of marriage divorced when I was a teenager. They had an extremely messy divorce – me and almost all of my siblings went several years without talking to my father because he was in the wrong. About 2 years ago, I decided to reconnect with my father and it was one of the best decisions I made in order to gain full peace and healing over my family’s situation. Unfortunatley, this has been a problem-starter between me and my mother and stepfather. My mother has, on multiple occasions, told me that she will not attend my wedding if my father is there. She has even gone as far to say that if I have a baby and he is there she will not show up or be there with me. I asumme the same applies to my graduation as well, but only time will tell.
Anyways. She has repeatedly told me that she wil not go (before any talk of wedding ever came up, I may add) with her full rationale and reasoning behind it. She has already missed events in the past concerning her own family because of this failed relationship, so I do not believe she is bluffing.
My father is open minded to going to the wedding and even walking me down the aisle with my stepfather. I truly would want all of my parents (not sure if his wife would be allowed because she did break up the family) to be there..but it just feels impossible or too messy. Other problems that occur in this are the fact that if my father DOES come it is almost certain that two of my younger siblings will not come (or my mother/stepfather) as they refuse to have anything to do with my biological father.
By inviting my father I am loosing 4-6 people in my life coming to this event. I do not have the heart to pick between the two of them and I do not have the heart to have a wedding and invite no parents – I am not sure I could emotionally handle it. I also do not think it would be fair to invite my siblings and leave the parental figures out of the event.
Best solution would be to elope and have a small private wedding, but Fiance does not want to elope because of finances and he is deadset on having a wedding. What do i do in this situation? What is the best way to go about this? I just need encouragement/advice/words. Anything.
Post # 2
I am so sorry your parents are putting you in this difficult situation. Normally, I would say to invite everyone you would like to have there and leave it in their laps whether to behave like adults or to decline the invitation. But you don’t seem particularly confident in that decision. I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether you will be wrecked if your mum and siblings decide not to attend because that seems bound to happen if you invite your dad. Honestly, I cannot conceive of the mentality that someone would rather miss their own daughter’s wedding than see their ex (someone they had said child with), so I would invite everyone and let the chips fall where they may, but YMMV.
Post # 3
I am so sorry you are in this position. Your mom sounds justified but also unfairly putting you in this uncomfortable position.
I have no advice, I just wanted to give you an Internet hug.
Post # 4
That’s such a hard spot to be in! It’s sad that people can’t put thier feelings aside for one day.
Personally, I have very little tolerance for emotional manipulation (which is what your mom is doing) and wouldn’t bend to it. If she doesn’t show, well that’s her choice. I would invite everyone and let people make thier choice.
Post # 5
Id probably have a chat with your mom. Say how youre tired of being put in the middle, and if she cant set aside her anger for one day, well, you’ll remember who was actually there on your wedding day.
I cant belive adults would miss such important milestones for something that happened so long ago. I would not put up with that.
Post # 6
I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this position. It saddens me that ADULTS can’t put their differences aside for their children for one day. Hugs!
Post # 7
I know it’s hard, but since you’re being forced to choose, I’d say don’t invite your father. Your mom isn’t playing fair, but what she’s doing is miniscule compared to what your father did (cheat and break up the family). He should have thought of what his actions would mean down the line. He made his bed years ago and now he can lie in it.
Post # 8
Your father’s wife didn’t break up their marriage. It was already staring to break, then he broke it completely.
Your Mom can choose to wallow in her pain for the rest of her life, or she can make the healthy choice and move on.
I would not give in to this emotional blackmail, or you will be doing it the rest of your life. I would put both of them on notice that I expect them to be civil in public. If your Mom does not attend, she is choosing to dwell in her hurt(even though she is remarried) over celebrating her daughter’s marriage. That would say a lot about her.
Post # 9
Although I can’t imagine being in your situation, I think if I were in your shoes I would probably not include your biological dad in the day, and celebrate with him in another way. You said that he was in the wrong and it seems as though there are a lot of hard feelings in your family surrounding him, and even you had difficulty with him for quite some time. Perhaps the timing is just not yet right for your siblings to be in the same place you are and for him to play such a large role in a family event.
Like I said, though, I can’t imagine being in your shoes. So sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 10
I agree with the others. It’s really unfair that your mom is doing this. She chose to marry your father and have you. Now because their marriage ended, ( even if he is at fault) she is making you choose between her and him? So not fair. You did not ask for your parents marriage to end, you did nothing wrong. She’s moved on with your stepfather but still can’t put her anger aside for one day?
My cousin got married recently. His wife to be’s dad cheated on her mom and married the mistress. Guess what? They all attended the wedding, her father and mistress/new wife in the front row. Her Mom who is still single, since the divorce, in the second row. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her Mom to sit behind her ex husband and the woman he left her for but that’s what mature adults do. They don’t put their kids in the middle of their problems and expect them to choose.
Post # 11
My fiances parents are in a similar situation, without the step parents involved. They are divorcing are 50 years of marriage (crazy, I know!) and we are afraid they will cause a scene at our small destination wedding. We made a decision together and called them both and said “if you can’t both come and be civil then neither of you are invited”. As of now, they are both planning on coming. I have no qualms about telling them how it’s gonna be. I will not allow someone else’s behavior to ruin my wedding day. It’s YOUR wedding, you invite who you want. If your mother decides not to come, that’s on her conscience. Do what you think is right. Have a good support system around you on the day and don’t second guess yourself.
Post # 12
workhardorgohome : Your mother is remarried and still can’t put this behind her?
Your mother should tolerate your father for your sake. Thousands of divorced parents do this every weekend. Mine did.
Invite your father. Reassure your mother that she’ll be seated well away from him and won’t have to interact with him. If she still wants to miss her daughter’s wedding, so be it.
ETA: Invite his wife too, especially since your mother has remarried and will have a partner. Yout father’s new wife didn’t break up the family, your father did.
Post # 13
I think your mother is being selfish, and I say this as a child of parents who had a messy divorce. You said “I don’t have the heart to pick between the two of them,” but you’re not actually. She’s deciding that she doesn’t want to come. You can’t control someone else’s actions, and if people can’t button it up for a day then shame on them.
Post # 14
You don’t have to choose. Speak your mind to your mom and siblings and invite everyone. It is THEIR choice whether they come or not. It’s sad that your mom may not be able to put your happiness above the few hours of discomfort she may experience, but that is her choice. If after all this time she can’t even be in the same vicinity as your dad without having to speak to him or even look at him, she should consider seeking help for her obviously unresolved issues with her failed marriage and subsequent divorce. I also agree with PP that said the marriage was already failing. Happy people don’t cheat. It was an unfortunate decision your dad made but your mom needs to accept that she likely played a role in the demise of her relationship.
Post # 15
workhardorgohome : though your dad may have been in the wrong way back when, i believe your mom is currently in the wrong for emotionally manipulating you – although I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way.
you may have to tell her that she needs to rise above for you and that this day is yours, and that you need your family to rally for you this time, and not pick sides. Divorce can be really ugly, but in my opinion there is no worse offense than making your children pay the price, even if the indiscretions weren’t hers. She needs to be an adult in this situation and have your best interest at heart.