Mother Will NOT Attend Wedding if Dad is There

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Lake Louise Canada

On one hand, adults need to be able to put their kids first for the most important day of their life. On the other, I personally have an ex boyfriend, from 10 years ago, and the reason we split is so horrifically disgusting that I would STILL to this day be ill for days if I saw him in person, it would destroy my mental health. Typing this makes me nauseous. Not knowing your parents situation, your mother may honestly need to protect herself mentally.

If you’re reasonably confident she’s just bluffing or starting drama, call her on it. Ask her if she’s really willing to miss your biggest day over some family tension, and put the ball in her court to choose. If she’s just upset about being cheated on, she needs to put your needs before that hurt. That being said, if the mistress is in the picture it’s in your best interest to politely tell Dad he doesnt get a plus one to avoid any issues at the wedding.

Post # 17
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

One simple way to settle this is to invite both of them. Let your mom know that she is welcome to come and be an adult or stay home and be a child. You inviting your father is not an automatic uninvite to her. If she implied that then it is her loss.

Post # 18
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah we don’t give in to emotional terrorism. If she stays home that’s on her. You are not responsible for her feelings. You are not choosing anyone. She is choosing. Don’t give in to it.

Post # 19
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My Fiance and I are in a similar sort of situation. FI’s mom and her stepmom (his step-grandmother) do NOT get along at all. Incidentally we’re having our wedding on the step-grandmother’s property, so now FI’s mom is refusing to attend the wedding. 

As some PPs have mentioned, you kind of need to decide if it would be more important for you to have your dad there vs your mom and siblings. Fiance and I decided that if his mom can’t act like an adult, she can kick rocks. If you aren’t willing to stand your ground like that with your mom (which is totally fine…it depends on where your priorities lie), then it might be best to not have your dad attend. Maybe you and your Fiance can go visit your dad after the wedding so he can congratulate you? 

Post # 20
Member
8963 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

workhardorgohome :  Usually I would say invite them both and let them decide for themselves if they want to come. But if my dad cheated on my mom and left her for someone else after 20 years, and because of this my mom said she’d be uncomfortable seeing him at my wedding, he wouldn’t be invited. To anyone saying “that’s between the two of them, you shouldn’t be in the middle” I say bullshit. Actions have consequences. If someone does something dispicable that hurts someone I love, I’m mad at that person. I’m not going to look the other way just because I have half his DNA. He made his bed, he can lie it.

Post # 21
Member
9861 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Daisy_Mae :  You are over simplifying the situation. It’s not some random stranger who hurt her mom – it’s her dad who she clearly also loves and is a big part of her life.

I also think forgiveness is important in life and that punishing someone over and over never does anyone any good.

Post # 22
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Aww bee that sucks. My parents are kind of the same way – my dad is awesome but my mom can’t be in the same room as him without making snarky comments. Then my grandma decided not to come because my grandpa and step-grandma are coming – and this scandal happened thirty years ago.  So I say to hell with them all, if they can’t be grown ups for one day, who am I to care.  Invite who you want to invite and let them decide if they want to be petty or not.  You can’t control your family unfortunately.

Post # 23
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It’s emotional blackmail. DH’s mother does this all the time. He just tells her she doesn’t have to come, but he has two parents and they are both going to be invited to major life events. She’s shown up every single time. 

Post # 24
Member
1861 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

hikingbride :  Totally agree.

Daisy_Mae :  I was just in pretty much the same position as the OP but much more recent separation and obviously not yet remarried and it sucks. It was so damaging to my mental health to be put in between my parents who I love very much, even though Dad was at fault. Don’t get me wrong, I was really angry at him and we had our fair share of words but like I said I wish I hadn’t have been involved. 

OP, invite everyone and let the chips fall where they may. Try and stay out of it, it’s a horrendous position to be in and it really takes its emotional toll. Good luck xx

Post # 25
Member
8963 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

hikingbride :  Yes but he made a selfish choice that devestated his family. There are consequences. You don’t get to do that and then say “oh you’re still mad about that?” If he was halfway decent, he would tell the OP “I love you and I would love to see you get married but I don’t want you to feel torn so I am excusing myself and won’t be attending.” My guess is he’s not going to do that.

Post # 26
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Daisy_Mae :  That’s pretty well exactly what happened with my parents, and I still invited my dad (and his new wife). I don’t regret it. And my mum attended, of course.

Now that I’m getting old myself, I’m seeing that one partner cheating and leaving after 20 or so years is very common. And it doesn’t affect the love they have for their children.

Post # 27
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Daisy_Mae :  Why should he? It’s in the past. People make mistakes. My husband was estranged from his father after his parents divorced. Mother-In-Law is still angry and bitter and it’s been over 30 years.

With your logic we shouldn’t have anything to do with DH’s dad and not invite him to any type of major event. Remember there are/is always two sides to every story and not always are children told everything. Sure actions have consquences, but there’s a time for adults to be adults and support their kids. 

Post # 28
Member
9034 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Daisy_Mae :  that is such an oversimplification of what may have happened. It takes two people to destroy a marriage. Whilst the cheating is wrong, we have no idea what the relationship was like prior to the cheating and cheating never stops someone from being a parent. 

And hurting someone else, in this case the OP, because you are still hurt about a past relationship is neither healthy or fair.

Post # 29
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

Daisy_Mae :  Sorry, unless you’ve been in her situation, you have absolutely no idea what you’d feel or how you’d react if you were in it. So I’m calling BS on that. 

OP– unless your father was abusive to your mother, she has a choice to make and it’s not on you (obviously if there was abuse I could understand her needing to avoid him). My Future Mother-In-Law has pulled this shit on Fiance and I several times now, because her and Future Father-In-Law were divorced due to infidelity on his part. They’re adults, they need to start acting like it. You do not belong in the middle of this situation. 

Post # 30
Member
11480 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

This is such a sad situation. I know you have no control over this, but your mother and siblings need to be able to set aside their anger and bitterness for one day or one weekend so that ALL of your close family members can be there to support you.

By being at the same event at the same time as your father, they are not agreeing to pretend that nothing bad ever happened. They just need to all agree that YOU are important to EACH of them, and that YOU deserve to have EVERY ONE OF THEM there for you on your big day.

Now, having said that, you also need to make room to accommodate your stepmother. If she were just your father’s girlfriend, or, if your parents were still married and she were engaged in an affair with your father, then, absolutely she should not come. However, she is now his wife, and he should be permitted to bring his wife to your wedding.

I hope all of this works out for you and that you are able to have all those you love there supporting you that day.

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