Mother Will NOT Attend Wedding if Dad is There

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 31
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m so sorry this is happening. She needs to let go of her anger, if even for the day. It’s not like you’re asking them to do anything but be in the same room. Besides, she’s remarried, move on. Don’t bend to this emotional manipulation, invite them all, express the roles you want them to have, and let them decide what’s more important. 

Post # 32
2 posts
  • Wedding: April 2017

Its great that you are working things out with your dad but at this point it looks like you have to choose him over many people who have been in your life the whole time. Yeah it is going to be painful and it’s not fair but this was his choice. He already hurt your family enough; he needs to do the right thing and sit this one out. Someone had to say it. 

Post # 33
200 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry bee that your mother is putting this on you. I wouldn’t play that fucking game. Excuse my language, but your mom and her ultimatum is making me really angry. 

My family went through this recently. My dad cheated on mom and they’ve been married for 35+ years. Yeah, my dad was wrong and shouldn’t have cheated, but my mother can’t play the victim for the rest of her life.

Your mother is ALREADY REMARRIED. She’s not a victim anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. Not that you asked for what you should do, but I wouldn’t let your mom bully you like that. She’s bullying you. Invite who you want and she can stay home and sulk if she wants. 

I don’t agree with PPs that say your dad shouldn’t be invited or should sit out. People make mistakes, they shouldn’t have to pay the rest of their lives for it. Your mom is being a bully. It never pays to let the bullies win. What will she use this for next? If you have a kid will she not attend your family events if your dad is there??? This sounds extreme, but I know plenty of parents that pull this shit over and over again. Okay, now I’m ranting…

Post # 34
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would invite your mom and stepfather and your dad and his new wife. If someone chooses not to attend, their loss. Your mother should not be forcing you to choose between your two parents – they are both your parents and you are allowed to love them both equally. Who cheated on whom and why doesn’t concern you. 

Post # 35
915 posts
Busy bee

Im so sorry you are going through this bee. I really have no advice to offer. Me and my Fiance are put in a similiar situation and we can’t invite a family member to our wedding because of someone else. Its not fair. 🙁

When is your wedding? Do you have time to try to talk to your mom and siblings. Maybe get them all in the same room for an event prior to the wedding? 

Post # 36
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It your dad cheated on your mom with his new wife, then I vote to invite everyone and enjoy the company of the people mature enough to be present for you.

If your dad and his new wife pushed your mom out of a second-story window or lit her on fire or some other horrible thing, then I can understand why your mom doesn’t want to see them and I’d skip the invite.

Post # 37
427 posts
Helper bee

May be you should have a meeting with you mom n siblings and explain to them how important this is for you and to have everyone u love on this day. Tell them that they are making you choose and either case you will be sad. So ask if they can help you be happy for 1 day of ur life with everyone you love. 

Or may be ask them for that as a gift.

sorry for the situation.

Post # 38
12492 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

It’s so awful that your mother can’t or won’t be willing to be an adult about this for even one day. I’ve seen exes with the most bitter feelings you can imagine who were willing to behave for the sake of their child. Nobody ever enjoys seeing an ex you resent that much but a wedding reception is usually in a large enough space that the two don’t even have to speak. 

I’m sure she’s afraid she just won’t be able to enjoy the day or maybe even that she’ll become so overwhelmed or flooded with emotion that she literally couldn’t handle it. 

So, not that she’s acting at all reasonably, but if you can approach her from a compassionate and understanding perspective rather than a frustrated or angry one you may have a better chance to start to problem solve. For example, would she be willing to see a counselor or a doctor who might be able to help suggest coping techniques or prescribe meds for anxiety? Would she be open to a compromise, say no photos of them together or him seated at the opposite end of the room? What if you were to ask your mother rather than either your father or step-father to walk you down the aisle? 

If worst comes to worst could you elope then do a delayed celebration with each side later on? 

Post # 39
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

My family has a similar situation. My dad cheated on my mom throughout their 30 year marriage (my sisters and I were unaware), and I caught him sexting his coworker and had to tell my mom he was cheating on her. My mom finally got the strength to leave him after that. He’s still with the person he cheated on her with. He is a narcissist who was also abusive to us.

I can’t and won’t have anything to do with him. There is not an event on this earth in which I would attend if he were going to be there. It’s not about being mature or immature, it’s about protecting myself mentally.

My mom and I do not talk to my dad, but my 2 younger sisters do from time to time. My youngest sister got married a few years ago, and she was considering asking my dad to be there. She asked my mom and me if we would be okay with him coming. My mom said that she would go to the wedding, but it would be very hard for her. The wedding ended up happening at my mom and her husband’s house, which he wouldn’t have been allowed there anyway. I, on the other hand, let my sister know that there wouldn’t be any way that I could go to her wedding if my dad was there. I won’t let him near me, my Darling Husband, and especially our kids. She was very understanding, and said of course she would choose having me and my family there over our dad any day.

My other sister will most likely invite my dad to her wedding when/if she marries. She talks to him the most out of all of us, and I would be surprised if she didn’t invite him. I already have anxiety over it, because I know that I will have to miss her wedding someday.

I personally feel based on my own experience that the person who cheats needs to be the one that reaps the consequences of that. Part of that might be missing important family functions.

Post # 40
2156 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Cory_loves_this_girl :  your father was abusive to you, which makes the whole situation very different. I’m sorry for what you went through and in your position my advice would be to not invite the father, but there is no mention of abuse in OPs post. Breaking up a marriage in itself is not a good enough reason to not be invited to your daughters wedding. 

Post # 41
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Your mother needs to learn to GROW UP AND BE A MOM.

Divorces happen. She isn’t bring a good mother to you by making you choose. You need to tell her this. 

Post # 42
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

amanda3334455 :  Every family has a different dynamic, and I still believe that if the majority or most important people would feel uncomfortable having someone there that hurt them in someway, the person who caused the hurt shouldn’t be there. It’s easy to talk hypothetical situations, but it can feel a lot different if you’ve lived it yourself.

ETA: Even if my dad had not been abusive (we did used to be pretty close), I still would have cut him out of my life completely after he cheated on my mom. I won’t stand for people like that in my life, and seeing the pain that it caused my mom and family was more than enough to justify it.

Post # 43
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Sounds like your mom has been there for you all your life, where your dad left the home and you and reentered your life when it was more comfortable to do so. 

It is easy to say they should all behave like adults (since when do adults all behave rationally?) but if your dad hurt your mom badly she may just never want to see him again, her coping strategy. 

Your parents didn’t treat you equally so you don’t have to love them equally. My vote is don’t invite your dad and his wife. 

Post # 44
9862 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

DanaWeddingGuest :  To me, it didn’t sound like her dad exited and reentered her life when convienent for him, OP chose to cut him out and then re-connect. Those are two very scenarios.

Post # 45
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Nothing wrong with divorcing, but when you put your kids in between your problems you’re an awful person. I feel you. My parents also had a messy divorce, my mom would guilt us into choosing her side. She’d make us feel guilty for being friendly with my dad, even though my dad is an awesome father and she knows it. She has no problem with him being at the wedding but she has shown a lot of jealousy during the planning process.

Unless there was domestic violence or similar involved, the fact that your mom can’t be an adult for one day to support you says a lot. I don’t know which decision is best, I can only say to invite who you want without outside influence and if they miss your wedding because they want to be petty then let them miss it. First of all enjoy yourself and your new spouse and try to ignore the drama that you shouldn’t be involved in.

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