Post # 46
hikingbride : Yes, even with that. Bottom line is, she has to choose between the father who left them for another woman, or the mother and others who have been there for her all along. Ideally there would be no need for a choice, but here, there is.
I know who I would choose.
Post # 47
DanaWeddingGuest : But leaving your marriage does not equal leaving your children. He left his marriage, OP cut him out, then decided to reconnect with him. He didn’t leave or abandon her. There’s nothing in her post to indicate that he wasn’t a good father. And her mother making her choose is wrong – maybe understandable – but it’s wrong. Her mother is the one making things difficult in this situation not her father.
Post # 48
You get one day. This is your day. People need to allow this day to be about you, not him. It’s so manipulative.
I think you’re going to need to sit down with your siblings and express how you hope their love for you will overpower their dislike for him. If they truly won’t come (provided there’s no risk of danger), you have every right to be heartbroken. They need to step up for you.
Would they compromise if he only came to the ceremony?
Post # 49
So sorry you have to go through this 🙁
If your Mother is remarried and has the support of her children choosing to try and force you to decide between your father or her is just childish. The same is true of your siblings. This day isn’t about them and their hurt feelings, it’s about you and if you want your father there they should be able to put their feelings on the matter aside and support you. They don’t have to talk to him. They just have to show up and watch you get married.
Post # 50
Ok let’s us put the past in the past, and concentrate on now. The bride has a few decisions to make. She probably cannot change her mother’s mind with logic. It is now up to the bride to decice what she will do, and she asked for our opinions.
In my opinion, she should choose her mother and others to be at her wedding, over her father. Since a choice has to be made that is the choice I recommend. It shouldn’t be a matter of taking a stand for principle.
A possible reprieve is to tell her father the whole story, and hope he says he will step aside if her mother truly will not attend with him there.
Post # 51
That’s terrible. People should grow up. I’d tell your mom that I’d seat you both far apart from each other. If she still says she isnt coming, I’d tell her she is breaking my heart, and that I’m not going to push her and leave it at that. She’ll regret that…
Post # 52
I’m in a similar situation so I totally empathize, commenting to let you know you’re not alone.
Post # 53
Your parents need to grow up and learn to act like civilized adults. I’d have a heart to heart with both of them. Your father deserves to walk you down the aisle if you so wish, and your mom needs to recognize that.
Put them on opposite ends of the reception and let that be that. Your siblings are in the same boat, they need to recognize this is YOUR wedding day and you want your father to see his daughter get married. I think your family is being petty.
Post # 54
I’m sorry you have to deal with this situation. You deserve to have both parents all throughout your life. I know you said you dad cheated on your mother but he didn’t abandoned you or your siblings. He left his marriage because he was miserable in it. Your mother trying to manipulate you and your siblings to exclude your father in your life is hurtful and cruel. Call her out on it. She is now remarried (and happy?). Being a good husband and being a good father are not interconnected (the same things).
The things is you don’t know what happens in their marriage. I had a friend’s mother who kept saying if her husband divorce her, she will make him pay by preventing him to see his children ever again as a revenge. It hurt both the father and the children involve. And also just by reading a fews comments here some people agree that if you leave your marriage, you don’t get to see your children again. A child (kid or adult) shouldn’t get to choose between their parents.
What I would do? I can’t tell you but if you don’t solve that, it won’t be the last thing. At every milestones, Christmas, birthday, events, grand children, it will be the same things. If you have children, they won’t be able to have a relationship with him? But your mother yes? Or both of them?
Post # 55
babou : “At every milestones, Christmas, birthday, events, grand children, it will be the same things.”
I can tell you from experience it’s not as bad as that. We see my parents separately for Christmas and birthdays. For grandchildren – easy, they just visited at different times. There are only a handful of occasions which are unrepeatable so they both need to be in the same room, and a wedding is one of them. (So as I said before, she should invite them both, and sit them well apart).
Post # 56
A cousin of mine married into a similar situation to yours. His Mother-In-Law was pulling the same stunt as yours. Everybody was remarried by that time so his now wife decided to invite all her parents and their partners for dinner at home. Nobody knew the other was coming so it was a bit of an ambush and it allowed her to say her piece to all of them and how it was impacting her life. Everyone was very angry but it worked and they all came and acted civil at the wedding and other life events like a grandkids birthday party.
Would you be willing to do this OP? It may backfire or you may not get your desired outcome but it will give you a chance to air your feelings to all of them and give you some peace.
Hugs OP. Keep us updated.
Post # 57
I’m sorry you are going through this, I know how painful it is. I had this situation with my mother before I got married the first time. She also threatened not to come if my father and stepmother attended. I decided that I would not choose and invited them both, because what I wanted was for both my parents to be there. In the end my mom did come, and we just made sure they were seated on opposite sides of the room. They did appear in one photo with us together. Your parents are adults. Regardless of who was in the wrong (and in my case it was aso was my dad), they are both your parents. I would say to your mother with respect to her feelings, that you love her and really hope she changes her mind. I hope it works out for you, bee.
Post # 58
Send your invitations to everyone you’d like to celebrate with you and whoever shows up, shows up. If your mother cannot handle being in the same room with your father for whatever reason, she can stay home. It may be that she is being petty, it may be too emotionally painful for her to see him…her reasons are her own and she doesn’t need to justify them to anyone. Similiarly, your choice to invite who you’d like doesn’t require explanations. Your family will need to weigh their desire to see you marry against their desire to avoid your father.
Post # 59
How upsetting. My parents divorced and it was messy and neither of them would ever have dared to fix their mouths to tell me they weren’t coming to my wedding because the other one was going to be there. I would have eviscerated them.
If your father was violent or abusive, I can see your mother refusing to be anywhere he will be. If this is a matter of him leaving the marriage and your mother continuing to be hurt about it, I think she’s entirely wrong and she needs to go to therapy about it. She might have remarried but she clearly hasn’t moved on.
I would invite everyone to attend and let those who try to make your wedding a place for putting their feet down about your father know that this is not the time or event and they can simply ignore him (also, let him know to leave them alone because your wedding isn’t the time or place for that either).
I cannot even imagine my mother trying to tell me she wouldn’t be at my wedding because she and my father had a messy divorce years ago. My response would have been: “Has it even occurred to you that THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU?!”
Post # 60
If I were your mom’s husband I’d be put off by how much emotional power your dad still holds over her. Time to move on, for her sake. Invite everyone, including the wife and husband.