Mother Will NOT Attend Wedding if Dad is There

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 61
Member
8566 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

gatordeb :  

I thought that too, I mean many of us have been cheated upon or been left and remarried or re-partnered , and ideally put the past  relationships in their place , (esp if remarried )

OP I do feel for your stepdad in all this focus  on your mum’s feelings for and about your father . So, partly for his sake too I think I would not  invite your father and his now wife . And as for your father and stepfather walking you down the aisle together that is clearly a dream he  has to relinquish, sorry to say .

ETA Neither here nor there really , but don’t understand the first part of this

but Fiance does not want to elope because of finances and he is deadset on having a wedding

 

Post # 62
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My ex husband is a nasty, lying bastard. He is a lawyer and dicked me and his children over in the divorce dishonestly, he has since been in the national press re a sexual harassment charge in aggravating circumstances so it’s not just bitterness on my part. 

My eldest (26)  has maintained a relationship with him, (I never obstructed access) I loathe him still, but I have already talked to my daughter about her hypothetical wedding and reassured her not to worry, her stepdad and I are happy with whatever she wants to go with. I attended her graduation with my husband and my ex and was civil as required to my dickhead ex.  

I take the judgment of Solomon approach, your mum is putting her feelings before your happiness, your dad is happy to go with the flow. Don’t reward your mum’s selfish behaviour. 

I’d tell your mum that you are sorry about her choice and you will miss her on the day. 

Post # 63
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Unforgivness is a horrible bitter thing and sadly your Mother and siblings are only hurting themselves.   

I would invite everyone and let the cards fall as they will – letting each make up their own mind about attending or not.  That way it is THEIR decision not to attend – taking the guilt off of you.

God Bless You (((hugs)))

Post # 64
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t blame your mom for not wanting to be around a cheating asshole like your dad, but on the day of her daughter’s wedding she should be willing to put you first. You want him there, so I would say you should talk to her and tell her to get over herself and be civil, if she really loves you. If you can get your mom onboard, your siblings may come to support her. As a concession to your mother’s feelings, I think you should tell your Father he cannot bring his girlfriend/wife. There are consequences for breaking up a family, after all.

Post # 65
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I didn’t have divorced parents, but I did have a very stubborn mother, and if my mom made up her mind she was going to, or not going to, do something, there was no reasoning with her. So I come from a place where the logical ideas of being an adult, tolerating the past mistakes of others, and living well moving on, you may as well blow it out your ass. My mom wasn’t listening. 

Post # 66
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

My parents have a VERY messy relationship (not due to infidelity so I can’t speak to that aspect) and are not on good terms. They didn’t speak to each other at my wedding, but they were both there because I was the common ground. I am still both of their child, even if they are neither of their own spouses (if that makes sense, hard to word via text/type). 

Your mom is being emotionally manipulative. She’s (in theory) moved on, if she’s remarried, and your dad has remarried. There is NO NEED to act the way she’s acting. Do not bend to this emotional blackmail because it won’t be the last time she does it if you give in.

Invite both parents. Then tell your mom, “Mom, I love you and I’m sorry that Dad hurt you. But we’re all adults now and I want both of my parents at my wedding. I’ve invited both of you and your spouses. I can’t imagine our day without you all there; if you decide to miss my wedding over it, that will be your personal decision for which you are solely responsible.” 

Stick to your guns. Invite everyone that you want there, and let the adults decide whether or not they attend.

Post # 67
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m so sorry but your mom needs to grow up!

This day IS NOT about her, your dad, step dad, siblings it’s about YOU.

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