(Closed) Mother without a Child

posted 8 years ago in Catholic
Post # 33
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Chaoslight:  Has it ever crossed your mind that people change? 

Maybe he did want children when he met his fiancee and changed his mind after the wedding. Something could have happened (seeing someone’s child get ill, meeting a mother with post-partum depression) or just the horrific news you read in the papers every day about children dissapearing, being abused ecc.. maybe made him reflect  and realise that he doesn’t feel up to being a father. Or maybe he just likes his life as it is.

I think it is far better to come to terms with the idea of being childfree than having a child and regretting it after and not being a fit parent (like so many people do).

Becoming a parent is a huge step and should not be undertaken lightly. 

If he really was selfish he would have had a baby and then ignored it, never spent any time with it and left the burden of raising it to his wife. Instead he has the courage to come out and tell her how he really feels. 

In the words of Alan Guttmacher “no baby receives its full birthright unless it is born gleefully wanted by its parents.”

to have a child you don’t really desire just to keep your wife happy is selfish, to be honest to the person you love is not. 

 

Post # 34
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

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@walnutgirl:  She stated already that his lack of desire for children is his personal ambition, and an unwillingness to sacrifice.  To quote her, “Now he’s starting to feel like he’s too selfish to give up our vacations and such.”  It doesn’t matter that people change, if that change was a possibility, it’s horrible… horrible, to be with a woman who so obviously, and stated early on in the dating that she wanted children.  She was willing to compromise and only have one.  He, apparently, isn’t willing to compromise at all, anymore.  To rob her of that opportunity that she longs for is extremely selfish, and cruel.

And, since this is in the Catholic board, I can add to that that a valid, Catholic marriage is required to be open to having children.  Hell, I’m pretty sure it’s part of the actual vows!  They are supposed to “accept children as they come from God.”  Meaning, it is God’s choice whether they have children, or not.  He may choose that they not.  Hell, my mother’s cousin was “open” to it, though she never wanted any, and for about thirty years, she has yet to be blessed.  One of my aunts, I imagine, has a Josephite marriage, as her, and her husband’s calling is more toward serving the Church. 

Post # 36
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

oh my gosh Over_The_Rainbow, *BIG* hugs for you!!! 

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.  I feel very similar to how you’re feeling – all my thoughts circle around starting a family and being a mom some day.  I know what it’s like to desperately want to hold your baby in your arms.  It’s a real and valid feeling.  I’m so sad for you that you’re dealing with this now, when you’ve been so transparent with your desire for children from the very beginning. 

I have no real advice, but if you ever need someone to talk to, you can PM me.  I think we may have a lot in common. 

xoxoxox sending loving prayers and best wishes your way xoxoxox

Post # 37
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Chaoslight:  I think understanding your limits (in his case not being able to be what he considers a good father) is the opposite of selfish. 

I just found that condeming a person you don’t even know, who’s side of the story you haven’t heard, as someone selfish who tricked her into thinking he wanted kids when all along he didn’t want them is sad.

“it’s horrible… horrible, to be with a woman who so obviously, and stated early on in the dating that she wanted children.  She was willing to compromise and only have one.  He, apparently, isn’t willing to compromise at all, anymore.  To rob her of that opportunity that she longs for is extremely selfish, and cruel.”

So he should have a baby and resent her and the child all his life?

Post # 38
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

My heart bleeds for you.  I can’t imagine what would have happened if I ended up with someone who didn’t want children, but let me love him, anyway.  I hope that counselling can help. 

I don’t see how he cannot be successful with children.  I mean, sad as it may be, if he becomes a father, and it becomes known at work, he’ll likely have a better shot, because, as much as ladies might not like it, employers often look at a man with a family as someone who wants to stick around, work hard, is reliable, and so on.  Additionally, vacations don’t have to go by the wayside, you can still have vacations with children.  Hell, if y’all want a vacation with some alone time… well, that’s what visits to grandparents’ houses are for!  Not really, but I’m sure you know what I mean.

I truly hope that he will be able to open his heart.

Post # 39
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

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@walnutgirl:  And she shouldn’t, and possibly resent him and have that hole in her soul all of her life?  He didn’t trick her, but he did deceive her.  He was willing to compromise, but once the ring was on her finger, and the chips were down, he “changed” and figured out, “I think about myself and my pleasure too much to be a father.”  What would your solution be, given that she was very up front about her desire, and in order to have her, he said he’d be willing to have a child?

Post # 40
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Chaoslight:  +1

Maybe it’s just me, I just don’t understand how someone can ‘change their mind’ about having children. I understand wanting.  I understand having never wanted them. I understand not wanting them at the moment, but being open to children in the future.  But switching from wanting one to not being open to any whatsoever – that’s a huge change which is hard to understand, and hard to swallow. 

No one should have to live with resentment – either the resentment of having an unwanted child, or the resentment of not having one when it’s what they always wanted.  Unfortunately, there is no ‘middle ground’ here; you can’t “sort of” be a parent.  Those two (equally valid!) points of view are unreconcilable, and OP recognized that long before they even got engaged. Had she known he didn’t want children, she likely would not have married her SO to prevent that resentment.  But he let her marry him under the impression that he would be a father to her children, and happily so.  That’s why I, too, see the SO as selfish and in the wrong.

Post # 41
Member
3696 posts
Sugar bee

OP, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this.

On the favorable side, your husband is doing the right thing by sharing his doubts with you and honestly asking himself whether he can be a good father. If he really can’t, then it is important that you both know that so you can make the best possible choice in these crappy circumstances.

On the not-so-favorable side: the way you described that conversation from early on when you were dating, it sounds to me like he wasn’t being totally sincere with you at that point. You’ve probably already discussed this with him, and maybe I’m misreading it, but to me it looks an awful lot like he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear, or trying to convince himself that he could want that too if that’s what it took to have you. If that’s the case, then only you too can decide where to go from here and what will be best for you both.

This is kind of a tangent, but it makes me think of Kate Rusby’s song “Walk The Road.” DH and I used this one, a favorite of mine, for our first dance. One of the reasons I love it so much is the line, “I’ll never deceive my heart again.” Before DH, there was a guy I dated that I tried really hard to love – and, ultimately, had to admit that it just wasn’t the right fit, but for some reason I was blind to that for almost a year. I think it’s because I was really anxious to find a good Catholic man, settle down, start a family – and he was (and still is) a good Catholic man who also wanted to marry and have children, and we were both aware of our ages and wanting to find someone while we were still young enough to be energetic parents, but ultimately we were just not the right person for one another. It was really hard for me to come to terms with that, because, as Kate puts it, I was trying to deceive my own heart. I’m not saying you’re doing that – it sounds like you’re not. But your husband might be, or might have been doing so before. I hope you guys can find the way forward.

Post # 42
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Gosh, this is brutal. I want to be supportive, but I have to be honest and say that when one partner says they want kids, and the other one doesn’t, it is almost always a deal breaker, in my experience. I have never known a couple to stay together when they have such different views on this issue.

I also think (from what you say) that your husband didn’t change his mind. I think he never really wanted kids, but he tried to convince himself that he did in order to keep you. I think he has lied to both you and himself. This is grounds for an annulment within the Catholic church.

It sounds terrible, but I think that if you will never be happy without being a mother, then you need to give him a time frame within which to change his mind- say, two years. Don’t tell him that you have set a time frame, and don’t give him any ultamatums. After the time period has elapsed, you need to reevaluate. Has he changed his mind about children? If not, then have you changed your mind? Could you live without kids? If you are still in the position you are now, I honestly think that you should walk away. Again, it sounds terrible, but it’s the position which many women find themselves in at different times in their lives… for example, what is a girl to do when she’s with a man who isn’t ready for marriage, but she desperately wants it? Eventually, she has to cut her losses and walk away. It’s hard, and it’s brutal, but if you want kids so desperately then that’s the choice you have to make.

Post # 44
Member
3696 posts
Sugar bee

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@Over_The_Rainbow:  I will add a special intention for you and your husband in my prayers at Mass this evening. Today is a good day to pray for Mary’s intercession for you, too.

Post # 45
Member
3467 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@walnutgirl:  Wait. Did you just advise this lady to set aside her religious doctrine (for any reason)? Maybe I read it wrong.

Post # 46
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Chaoslight:  Well it’s sad that you can’t immagine that he could have honestly changed his mind.As someone who went through the same realization I fully understand him.  She can do what she likes, either accept that he doesn’t want children and stay with him, or leave and hope to find another partner who wants the same things as her.

There is a huge difference by the way between compromising on the number of children you want and on having them or not.

When I met my SO I wanted children, not desperatly, I was never the type that longed to hold her baby or things like that, but I assumed one day I’d have kids and he really wanted them. Then I started to see the lives of friends who had children and of my sister who’se little boy we often look after for weeks and I started to realise that maybe it wasn’t for me. If I saw a baby I never feelt any interested in holding it, I didn;t think it was cute, life with children didn’t really appeal to me. I told my SO and was seriously scared because he loves children and really looked forward to being a dad. He surprised me by saying I was more important than any child he may ever have. 

One day I may get hit by baby fever and really want one, who knows… 

But I honestly believe that people can change their mind. Especially in our society where having children is just automatically assumed to be one’s normal life course.

You often just assume one day you will have them, and then when it comes tha moment you start thinking about it more in depth and realise that it’s not what you want.

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@Over_The_Rainbow:  I hope you can solve all your problems with your husband or find someone who wants children as bad as you. But don’t condem him for his choices, as someone who went through the same thing he is probably just being honest. He knew from a start that you really wanted children so why would he have married you is he knew that he didn’t want them, it doesn’t seem logic. 

Best of luck!

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