(Closed) Mother/Fiance Battle

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

what about just… NOT doing these things upon which your mother is insisting?  what’s a little crap-slinging behind your back compared to all this work you’re doing (with missing meals and such)?  i understand the want and need to make your mother happy, but the yarmulkes project was not even possible to finish while getting other things done, and you should have said so at the beginning.  don’t let your mom push you around, then you won’t have to be angry at your fiance for not wanting to get in the middle.

Post # 5
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

that does make it more difficult then…  i’m sorry about that!  is there any way to compromise with her about her demands?  like, for example, "mom, i can make yarmulkes for the wedding party and the immediate family, but every one else has to wear purchased ones"? 

the only other thing i can say is, try your best to lay off your fiance.  i know it sucks that he’s not backing you up, but imagine if he had spoken up and your mom took it that you were both against her.  that might make a rift that would result in your funding getting pulled, too.  …just another POV.  hope it helps.

Post # 6
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I am sorry, but your mother is being a b*tch!  You need to say it is your wedding, and she is making into hers, and its not what you want anymore.  However, the issue with your Fiance is not going to change – he most likely will never get in the middle of an argument between you and your parents.  ANyway, chances are, she will not refuse to pay for the wedding if you say no to something.  I mean, I assume you have already paid a lot to vendors for deposits and such.  There is a money loss right there.  And then there is the embarassment on her part when she has to tell everyone the wedding is cancelled because she is being a control freak!  Tell her its your wedding, you will be making the decisions from now on, if she wants the yarmulkes she can make them herself, and if she wants to not contribute the money, you will simply have the original wedding you wanted!  She won’t do anything about it.

Post # 7
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

another thing i just thought of is that when she suggests something, maybe wait a week or two to see if she still remembers/expects it to be done, so that you’re not wasting time on things she doesn’t even recall telling you to do.  just tell her it’s on your list.  😉

Post # 8
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

So sorry to hear about all the stress your mom is putting you through. You can’t really control your mom’s perceptions, and it would be a shame to waste the work you’ve already done, so maybe you can change how you feel about the situation to preserve your own sanity. Even though it was your mom’s idea, she’s essentially letting you take credit for it. You’ve worked so hard and surely your guests will be impressed with your efforts. Finish them up and when your guests compliment you, bask in the praise and say, "Thanks, it was an idea I had that I worked hard on, I’m glad you liked it!" If your mom is letting you take all the credit, let her! In the meantime, maybe your fiance can support you by helping to make them, since I think it would be very hard for him to feel comfortable supporting you by fighting with your mom. I know I wouldn’t want to fight with my Mother-In-Law either. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

If your fiance wanted to please your mother, why isn’t he helping crochet the yarmulkes?  Why isn’t your mother helping?  Frankly, if you have to do all the work, then you should get to say whether they get done.

Does your experience with your mother lead you to believe her threats of refusing to pay for the wedding if you don’t do what she wants?  Sometimes people just are really unpleasant, but when push comes to shove they don’t follow through.  You could counter-threaten and say that if she refuses to pay, you’ll simply cancel the wedding and have the small affair you initially planned, and all her friends will know it’s because she refused to pay for it after making you invite them.  I’m not saying you have to follow through with it, but emotional blackmail should be countered with the same, in my opinion.

Finally, for the immediate problem with the yarmulkes, I say mix them together with store-bought ones and call it a day.  I’ve never been to a Jewish wedding, so I don’t know how they’re distributed, but you could, say, layer them in a basket with a couple store-bought one then a crocheted one, then store-bought ones, etc.  It would make a pretty presentation and frankly I doubt your guests will notice/care who gets which kind.  Or, if you hand them out individually, then just make enough for your close family and give them the crocheted yarmulkes and let everyone else use store-bought.  Definitely stop killing yourself over these!

Post # 10
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If the abuse you are taking is really worth your parents’ financial contribution (seems unlikely), I would definitely make it a policy to follow up whatever you agree to with her with some kind of confirmation in writing— preferably an email with your fiance cc’ed:

<p style=”margin: 0in 0in 0pt” class=”MsoNormal”><span style=”font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana”>"Hi Mom, just wanted to let you know that, as per our discussion, I have hired the fifteen Swedish acrobats you requested.  They will need to get into the temple early to set up their trapezes, so can you call Rabbi X and let him know? Thanks!"

 

Post # 11
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2007

I don’t think this is a matter of your fiance "letting your mother treat you this way." I think the way you’re feeling about this is almost as if it was HIS mother that was doing this…if that were the case, then I would definitely say that it was his place, even his responsibility, to speak up and let his mother know it was unacceptable. But the fact that it’s your mother, I actually think it’s more appropriate that he NOT get involved. As another poster said, that could create long lasting rifts which you definitely don’t want..leading up to the wedding and beyond.

 I know how hard it is to resist patterns that have formed with parents. But I think in this situation, YOU are letting her treat you this way, not your fiance. It sounds like, if she’s really saying the things you quote above, she has an abusive way of speaking to you, and no one can end that cycle besides you and her. I know the feeling of someone waving money over your head and controlling you that way – my father in law has a long history of doing that to my husband, and then to us when we were dependent on him for certain things. Sadly, with people like that, the only way to break that cycle is not take anything from them, especially money, because it is used against you like a weapon.

 I hear what you’re saying about where you are now – it sounds like you do need to do whatever needs to happen to be able to have the wedding you have basically already invited people to (with save the dates). If you don’t think a heart to heart with your mom would help and maybe form a new kind of communication between you, then I think you have to use what you know about her and just get through it. And I thinkit’s totally reasonable, and right, to expect your fiance to give you unending support in this…privately. I think you’ll both be thankful he DIDN’T get involved publicly. This is your battle to fight, with him backing you up all the way…just not to your mother’s face.

Post # 12
Member
35 posts
Newbee

i agree with mrsrothberg’s comment 100%.

 

Post # 14
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2007

Julie,

I hope my response didn’t offend you – definitely didn’t mean to. I guess the bottom line of what I’m saying is that she’s probably not going to change. As you said, you’ve never had a great relationship, and situations like weddings, etc tend to exacerbate personality conflicts. Luckily, the wedding is the only way you are dependent on her, and that has an end in sight. I think you’re totally justified to be frustrated and hurt by the way she is taking enjoyment away from you here…and that’s why I say the only thing you can do is get through it. It will be frustrating at times, but you will get through it. I just wouldn’t let it become an even bigger problem by letting it become one between you and your fiance. That’s why I say…expect him to support you, just not to the point where he participates in a fight between you and your mother.

Have you ever spoken to your dad about the way your mom treats you? I wonder if he’d have any insights. Also, and this is a totally personal thing, but I would not let your mother continue to call you "stupid" and other abusive things. If I were you, I would let her know that if that’s the way she plans on speaking to you, you can’t have a relationship with her, as much as you’d like to (if you think this conversation is best had after the wedding, that’s totally understandable).

 On a totally separate note, the place we ordered our yarrmulkes from had crocheted options as well..have you considered ordering crocheted ones?

Post # 15
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

There is a way out of the continuous squabbling with your mom – which is actually my dad’s motto in life – just say "yes, that’s a great idea" and then quietly proceed to doing your OWN THING, the way you intended to do it all along.

this way you’re appeasing the other person by saying yes, completely taking the wind out of their sails and in essence not giving them a reason to argue(because, let’s face it, it’s all about control issues anyway). However, what you’ll end up with is the exact wedding of your dreams. I doubt your mom will make a scene when she realizes that the yarmulkas are store bought, or some other detail was not as she wanted but rather, how YOU want it.

And about the fiance – he’s very very wise by staying out of this. This has nothing to do with him supporting you or not, this is totally between your mom and yourself. (I’m jewish too so I speak from experience…!)

Best of luck! 

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