(Closed) Mother/Fiance Battle

posted 12 years ago in Family
Post # 17
25 posts
  • Wedding: September 2007

I think it’s a GREAT idea to have the ones you have for the bridal party and immediate family and maybe you could even order a few different colors of store-bought ones that coordinate with the color scheme of the ones you’ve made – that would be great and would overall have a very "custom" look.

I don’t know where you are, but I’m in NY so the ones I ordered were from a store on Long Island called Zion Lion, but you could definitely call them and they could order for you and then ship them to you. Their number is (516) 437-5466 and Shula in particular is very helpful there. They also have a website, but last time I checked, there wasn’t too much on there as far as pictures, so it’s probably best to call. In case you want to look, the website is http://www.zion-lion.com

Post # 18
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I pretty much agree with everything that has been said here, but I just wanted to add that I am so sorry you are going through this.  My mom is my best friend, and I can’t imagine how much this relationship has taken a toll on you. It is certainly way beyond the yarmulkes at this point, with her basically verbally abusing you on a regular basis.  The whole thing about her not coming to your high school graduation because you weren’t Valedictorian really made me choke up — that is just not right.  If nothing else, please look at this as an experience in how NOT to treat your children in the future.  Unfortunately your mother will probably never change, but you can still come out a better person for having gone through this.

Post # 19
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2007

i agree, too.  especially since, if your family is anything like mine, i can fight with my parents and everything everytually gets forgiven, but my mom has a memory like an elephant: if anyone not in our immediately family, including people i’ve dated in the past, were to get involved in our fights, they never get forgiven.

as for how to deal with your mom now, well it sounds like you can address this one issue by buying the yalmulkes, but i think i would get wedding insurance, just in case.  not so that you can call off the wedding, but *if* your mom decides to pull her money, you can tell her to go ahead and you and your FI  can elope.  seriously.  your closest people would come if you told them you were eloping to the bahamas (or somewhere) and then you would be excused from inviting all your parents’ friends.   there could be worse things.  and at least you would have a back-up plan.  and a calm counter-threat to tell your mom if she threatens to pull her money.

Post # 20
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I cannot express my sympathies enough! No one should have to deal with the abuse you have dealt with! You may want to look into what’s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My dad has it and it made my family’s life very difficult! It sounds a little like your mom (with the limited information I have). I did a quick google search on dealing with verbal abuse and found a few good sites. Mostly they recommend not taking the abuse personally because it’s ultimately not about you it’s about the abuser and recommend trying not to escalate the situation. It seems like you’re placating the abuser by not fighting back, but fighting back only escalates the situation and validates the abuser. I found this quote to be very enlightening as well.

<font size=”2″ color=”#222222″>Understand abuse. Verbal abuse makes a person feel unloved, unwanted, unnecessary, and unworthy. The abuser must destroy the person’s self-esteem to make them feel more powerful and in control. When in actuality, it is the abuser who is the insecure one. The abusive patterns are the abuser’s way of regaining security. </font>

<font size=”2″ color=”#222222″>I would highly recommend getting into some counceling! Beaking the cycle of abuse (which you have been experiencing for a long time) is very difficult to do on your own. You really need some outside help. I’ve worked in a shelter for battered women so if you have any questions or need anything else please do not hesitate to email me (bonnie.stafford at mac dot com). Good luck and you’re in my thoughts!</font>

Post # 21
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

to be honest, i don’t think it’s right to put ur Fiance in the middle of u and ur mom. i understand that u want him to back u up, but its just not appropriate for him to "defy" ur mom in front of the two of u when u fight. u really shouldnt expect him to do that. i mean, of course he supports u and wants u to be happy, but its not right for him to say anthing to ur mom. in fact, thats where u come in. tell ur mom how u feel. talk to the rest of ur family about it. get some outsider input and help. but don’t make ur Fiance feel more uncomfortable than he already does, by expecting him to "put ur mom in her place".

Post # 22
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

I’ve been reading this throughout the day on my iPhone and I’m finally on a computer where I can post.

My first thought when I read this was that if your mom decides not to help pay for the wedding, then don’t pay for the extra guests, even though they already recieved a Save the Date card.
If your mom is holding money over your head, hold her having to explain to her friends why they didn’t get invited after they got a Save the Date card over her head.  
You wanted to have a small wedding that you could afford.  It was her insistance on inviting all her friends and distant relatives.  In my opinion, if she doesn’t keep up her end of the bargain, you shouldn’t have to pay for these people.  
I think the embarassment she would feel having to explain what she did to all her friends would be reason enough to keep paying.

Post # 23
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You should approach your father about the money and ask for the amount your parents are contributing towards your wedding in a lump sum now.  That way, you will have the money.  You could probably even talk to the two of them together and just say, "I would feel more comfortable if you gave the money straight to us so that we are not constantly being threatened by you to withdraw it".  (Alternatively you can say, "we want to put the wedding on our rewards credit card and be able to pay it off ourselves" or whatever.) 

My aunt sounds a little bit like your mother, and she ran my cousin’s entire wedding and her husband always thought she was crazy but he didn’t get involved in their fights.  Until they had children.  Once they had kids, all bets were off and when my aunt thought she had the right to do something, he told her off.  So don’t worry – this may not be the situation for life.   My sister’s fiance thinks my dad is insane but he doesn’t get involved, for now.  He’s made it perfectly clear that once they are married, my father’s weirdness about money and controlling will be a thing of the past.  

Definitely definitely definitely just buy the rest of the yarmulkas!  You will feel so much better once you just make the order – the stress will be totally off your mind, and your bridal party and VIPs will feel touched that you cared enough to crochet them the special yarmulkas, instead of thinking you ran out of the time/energy.  

 And when your mother calls you nasty names, pause for a second, take a deep breath, and then get your Jewish guilting on.  Ask your mother why she wants to hurt your feelings and make you so miserable and you were only trying to make her happy and give her the wedding she’s always wanted. 

 We had a drama director in high school who used to decide bizarre things.  What you do is take their requests into account, let it wait a week, then send her an email as per previous suggestions and say, "your idea about the hand-crocheted yarmulkas was so great! thanks for offering to make them!".  

Post # 24
9 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think it’s really smart that your Fiance is not getting in the middle of you and your mother’s relationship.

Your mom sounds really mean, and abusive, and no child – NO PERSON – deserves to be spoken to or treated like that. Would you EVER speak to someone you love the way she speaks to you? But as you mention, it definitely sounds like her abuse runs deep into your past, and these wedding related issues stem from something much larger in your relationship. I agree with the advice to "yes" her, and then essentially ignore her. She is totally trying to control things for the sake of control and power, and the only thing you can do is stop reacting to her. No matter what she says to you remain calm and respond with something benign like "what an interesting idea", or "hmm, you make a good point", "ok, i’ll have to think about it and get back to you". Whatever you do, don’t take her bait. It seems like she gets off on provoking you, so your only choice is to just stop the cycle. Clearly she is totally miserable and negative, otherwise she wouldn’t have to treat others the way she does. You can be happy with the knowledge that you and your Fiance are truly happy, and after this wedding your mother can be (if you want) a minor part of your life, and you have your whole future in front of you. It seems almost like she is competitive with you – could that be the case? If so, any successes you have will make her totally jealous. Good luck! 

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