Post # 1
Not considering motherhood yet myself, but just curious-to you mama bees out there, what questions do you think someone should ask themselves before they have kids? And do any of you all regret having them? I’m just wondering I guess because I have this idea that motherhood is essentially the end of your life and all your hopes and dreams as you knew it all before. But what are you alls perspectives?
Post # 2
icedcappuccino : it’s not the end of your life. But you need to be able to put someone before yourself, always. Not so much in terms of self care, you need to make sure you care for yourself and take breaks, maybe to leave baby with mom and dad so you can do a date night, or just get out of the house on your own for a bit.
I’m talking about wanting a hair cut but giving the baby what the baby needs instead. I have a purse that is torn but I haven’t replaced it, I would rather get my daughter things. Or when money was a bit tight, I put off a much wanted hair cut so that I could get my daughter her outfit for a new dance class.
It’s putting someone else’s needs before yours while not forgetting to take care of yourself at the same time.
That’s been my experience
Post # 3
I think you should ask yourself if you are ready to part with the things you know will disappear (or at least be much harder to come by) once children, especially a baby, is in the picture – lie ins, going out whenever you like, spending money on whatever you like, sleeping well, etc. You don’t necessarily have to be happy to give those things up, but that at least you are willing to say goodbye to them or put them on hold to begin a new chapter, and that you find the possibility of that new chapter exciting.
I don’t regret having my children. But it has been a lot harder, and for longer, than I thought it would be. For me, it’s the relentless nature of parenting that’s the difficulty. It’s just complete non stop at potentially all hours of the day and night. Exhausted? Have a cold? Food poisoning? Death of a loved one? Doesn’t matter, you have to keep going.
All this said, I did have twins. So things have perhaps been twice as difficult. But they are so wonderful, they could make me laugh for days. On the same time as crying into my pillow out of exhaustion I would also waste 30 minutes just looking at their pictures on my phone.
Yes I do feel like my dreams are on hold right now. But they will still be there when the babies get easier.
Post # 4
Sansa85 : and littlebuzz : what beautiful answers you gave to the OP. Happy Mother’s Day to you both!
OP, I didn’t get to have my own babies, but I have four stepkids (all are adults now, but two were tweens/young teens when I entered their lives. I also now have three precious little grandchildren whom I adore!)
I have often thought that I would not have made a very good mother, because I am not self-sacrificing enough. But then I realize that few people probably start out that way. I think mothers BECOME that way when they evaluate their desires against the needs and wants of these amazing little people that they bring into the world. <3
Post # 5
littlebuzz : one of my badge of honors… I caught a stomach bug from my daughter and I went to sleep on the couch because I was going to be up all night throwing up. I knew I wouldn’t be going to work the next day but my husband had to work. My daughter was a toddler and she woke up and came out to me and fell asleep with me. I woke up to throw up and she wrapped her arms around my neck, clinging to my back like a monkey while I threw up 😂😂
That was my choice because my husband had to work, he would have helped me if I woke him up
But I think that could be motherhood in a nutshell lol
OR, when I was sick in bed, and my daughter got out of my husband’s lap, came into my bedroom, and asked me for apple juice lol.
I would suggest definitely having a hands on father, we see many stories on here of fathers who leave everything to the mother. While my daughter prefers me for now, her father makes sure to do what he can to make sure that I am taken care of too
Post # 6
That’s a pretty depressing perspective of motherhood. Sure your priorities changes and you can’t solely focus on fulfilling your desires whenever you want. But I wouldn’t say that your life, hopes and dreams ended because of motherhood. It only ends if you allow it to end.
Like everything in life, motherhood has its ups and downs. Do I regret it? No. I regret not accomplishing certain things prior to motherhood – like traveling to more various places. However it doesn’t mean I can’t do it anymore. It just takes a bit longer to accomplish it because I have to consider my children first and make the necessary accommodations. In other words – it just takes a bit more effort.
There is a lot of joy being a mom. It’s a tiring role but I love seeing my children’s eyes light up with excitement. My days are full of love for my children.
Post # 7
icedcappuccino : I’m not a mum, but just wanted to point out that your perspective is logically a bit skewed.
Unless in rare cases (eg. disability) a child will be moderately independent by say 13 – 18 and completely dependent from you by 18-25, depending on the child? Out of an average of 70 – 80 years of your life?
Yes you may want to ensure certain goals and dreams are achieved before you have kids, or you may have to put them on hold for a time being, but children do grow up.
Post # 8
icedcappuccino : for me, my life didn’t end, it BEGAN! It’s the answer to my hopes and dreams. All of the things I used to worry about, no longer concern me. It has given me a fresh perspective. My son brings me so much joy. I couldn’t give a crap about what I miss out on now, because the gains are so much greater.
Having said this, I spent a good few years worrying that I would miss out on having a child. He is an IVF miracle bubba. So that may be partly why I feel the way I do.
Everyone exoeriences parenthood differently. It’s not easy, but I don’t think it’s that hard either. It does require selflessness, but it’s sort of a preprogrammed selflessness…like the things I do on autopilot for my baby, I wouldn’t dream of doing for someone else, lol.
I think the following would help one transition into motherhood….having a career path sorted (if possible), just to lessen the load, having travelled, having ticked off a few “bucket list” items, clearing debt etc.
Post # 9
I’m a new mom and am still getting used to this… but I second what ne11y23 : said: i used to be sooo overly concerned with stupid stuff and since my son was born I feel like my priorities have been reordered in a good way. I feel like I have more focus in my day to day. And this is coming from someone with a career and a high stress position prior to baby.
Post # 10
If you are OK with having your heart wandering around outside your body….
Post # 11
Sansa85 : Yes yes yes to a partner who will parent with you 50/50. That is something that I’m thankful that I have every day.
Post # 12
New mama here and I totally agree with ne11y23 : it really feels like anything that happened before my child barely holds any weight at all. I’ve never been happier, motherhood was my dream and it is better than I ever dreamed of. I would ask yourself if you really want this, just not because it is something most people do or because someone else is etc. You will never be truly no. 1 again, but to be honest I don’t want to be. Even when I give myself self-care and “me time” it is so I can be the best version of me for my child (I had a parent who completely neglecting themselves for their family and I have seen how unhealthy it is). I think your heart just needs to be in it. What aspects are you struggling with OP?
Post # 13
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
icedcappuccino : Also, just to say, as you seem to have concerns, it’s totally okay if you decide that you don’t want motherhood. It’s an incredible thing for a huge number of women, but it’s not for everybody and that’s a valid choice too.
Post # 14
I waited until my late 30s to have children and now have (almost) 3. I don’t regret waiting, and I love being a Mom, but I will honestly say there are moments where I do think, “man, it would be nice to just grab a brunch and some day drinks with my girlfriends, get a pedicure and take a nap and not worry about the 10,000 things I have to get done for my children, my house, my partner etc”.
Children change things. It’s fun. It’s chaotic. It’s exhausting. I don’t regret it and it’s certainly not the end of my hopes and dreams. But it does change things. Perspective, life, pretty much everything. When we got pregnant with my son, I asked myself if I was ready for change. I asked myself if I was ready for a new life- one that put others before me much of the time, and was lacking in sleep, and sometimes sanity, but would be enriched with love and a lot of laughter. Seemed like a good trade at the time, and I still feel that way today.
Post # 15
What a depressing way to look at motherhood.
For me it just felt like the natural next step in my life. I went to college, I partied, I traveled. I have a steady job with good benefits, and a great partner. I don’t feel like I gave up anything to have my daughter, and I definitely don’t regret it.
Of course things change after having children, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.