Post # 31
As an orphan who lost my mother recently i agree not acknowledging her on her first mothers day after losing her son could be cruel. When you lose someone people are there immediately after but then they give the impression they “forget”. I’m sure they don’t and they are just uncomfortable or don’t know what to say but that is a very challenging part of dealing with grief. Because of this, if it was me, I would want someone to remember my lost loved one and acknowledge that i was still a mother (as I am still a daughter). I would write a card, not a mothers day card, a blank one, letting her know you remember with some heartfelt words and give it to her with a hug at a quiet moment. If she wants to take a moment to talk about her son then listen – it sounds simple but a lot of people shy away from talking about a lost loved one. I’ve been so touched by the people who have remembered by Mum on her birthday, Mothers Day and the first anniversary of her death. But having said that the loss of a child it truly unique and I’m not speaking from experience re: that type of loss.
i probably tend to agree with others re: the tiara as that could make her feel singled out amongst a sea of mothers who have their children and most certainly about the dance. She will be noticing all of the parents with their children enough without having to sit through that.
Having said that you need to do what is authentic for you. loss is horrid no matter what
Post # 32
craftylish: yeah that is a very good point, everyone grieves in his or her own way, so you have it decide based on her. I do think it is nice that you obviously care, that will mean something I am sure. Good luck
Post # 33
muguet: Will ask the family what is best. My mom and her had a falling out years ago so I don’t know her very well so it’s hard to say what is best.
Post # 34
craftylish: I also think it is wise to remember that whilst it is mother’s day other people will be affected by the loss on this day. The grandparents, the aunts and uncles, the father and siblings and cousins.It is not just the mother’s feelings which will be impacted by the first mother’s day without your deceased love one.
Post # 35
craftylish: I think the majority of Bees are speaking from a place of never having lost a child. On Mother’s Day, she will be thinking of her child, whether you acknowledge her loss or not. It will be comforting for her to know that her child is not forgotten by others.
Parents who have lost a child say they are more hurt by people not mentioning their loss or tiptoeing around the issue. If you need help, look at the website of Compassionate Friends- an organization for parents who have lost a child.
Post # 36
julies1949: Totally and a hug and note is not out of line. But would you excited to wear a tiara? That takes it over the top for me.
Post # 36
I wouldn’t do this at all. Not only because of the cousin, but also because you don’t know who else has experienced a loss. If I had a MC or abortion and saw all the “real” moms getting special recognition, I’d feel extremely depressed.
Post # 37
i vote for abandon the idea. I don’t expect anyone to honor me on Mother’s day except my chikd and husband, so I wouldn’t be upset to be attending a wedding that weekend and not recognized. it really wouldn’t be meaningful to me for someone outside my family to recognize me, it would feel kind of awkward And Im sorry but I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a tiara! I alao have a few friends who struggle with infertility so this would hurt for them, too. They would probably be excited to be awat at a wedding for Mother’s Day having fun and keeping their mind off it and be totally blindsided by this.
Post # 38
I think the tiaras and all that is a bad idea but perhaps a toast at the brunch just saying happy mother day a mothers love is forever. Or something like that. Not pointing out her loss but something that says that mums love will carry on no matter what happens. Small but simple with no big show. I do however get people saying about those who may have had miscarriages and such could also be hurt. Not having a child when you dearly want one is extrememly painful and it being bought up at a place unexpected and blind siding them could be awful.
Post # 39
Did you send her a card every year for Mother’s Day while her son was alive? If so, then go ahead and give her a card this year acknowledging her loss. If not, then giving her a card JUST this year seems to really be unnecessarily cruel, IMO. It would seem that the only purpose would be to point out her loss again. Not having an OTT recognition of Mother’s Day (tiaras? Really?) is not the same as ignoring her loss. But your focus should be on your wedding. If you acknowledged her loss at the time it happened, there is no need to bring it up again now, especially since you are not close. She will have close family and friends who know how to acknowledge things (or not) in the way she prefers. Since you are not particularly close with her, I just don’t see the need for you to do so again.
Post # 40
craftylish: I’m in the camp too of abandoning the idea. It is sweet of you to do it, but why cause extra work and stress for your self? Its already causing you stress over this awkward situation. If you still want to do something, you could just have caramels for all to share. Forget about the tiaras and notes, and just give a note to your own mother or Mother-In-Law if they are around. People have chosen to come to your wedding to celebrate you, I’m sure they didn’t come to celebrate mothers day! The next day you should be just relaxing, don’t stress about having to organise extra personal stuff for all the mother’s too!
Post # 42
Daisy_Mae: +1,000 I was thinking the same thing. Cousin is not the only potential one to be hurt in this situation. Some may even be offended. If you want to do something for mother’s day, I suggest only doing it for YOUR mother (that’s the point anyway, right?) as Mother of the Bride. Or when you make your speech throw in something like “And to all the Mother’s out there, wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day this weekend!” That’s no more offensive/potentially hurtful than all the other bombarding Mother’s Day things they will see everywhere else.
As far as the people saying “Her loss needs to be acknowledged!” Sure. Course it does. But at the wedding?? No. It’s a happy time, a time she is probably looking forward to, to enjoy a night out and not wallow in her pain. Does she want a huge acknowledgment of the loss of her only child while at a wedding? Potentially making her cry? Feeling like she’s causing a scene and she’ll have to leave to compose herself? Some people may be very private about a situation like this, a wedding is not the place to have those talks with her.
Your wedding is not an event for mother’s simply because it falls on the same weekend. Leave your wedding to be about you and your husband. That’s it.
Post # 43
tiaras??? FOR ADULT WOMEN???????
please re think this
Post # 44
I am a mother who lost her only child, my 21 year old son. He hopped on his friend’s motorcycle and attempted to perform a “wheelie”, crashed and was killed instantly. I had divorced his father when he was 4 year old and my son and I were very close. The first Mother’s Day for me after his accident (hard to say death), was worst than his birthday, Christmas or accident anniversay. It made me feel like I did not want to go on. I questioned was I still a mother? It created an abundance of sad emotions (and it still does over 5 years later). The thought of someone not acknowledging me as a “mother” is heartbreaking! My son lived, I was (and still is) his mother for eternity. Just be honest and address her enormous pain and how much she loved her child and how her lost has touched you all and you realize what a blessing “motherhood” is.
I created http://www.heaventine.com in honor of my precious beautiful son. God Bless you!