Mourning the loss of a friendship

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I had a falling out with my best friend 5 years ago. I won’t lie, it was extremely painful, but necessary. She got very involved in my personal life ultimately because she didn’t like the person I was dating. She even got her mother (who worked with us) involved in the rumor/drama mill. I was sick about it and finally just cut off all communication. In the end all I could do was remember the good moments in our friendship and try to forgive the bad times. I found out a lot of things that she was doing… it wasn’t pretty. I had so much dirt on her and never told a soul, sadly I cannot say the same for her. I was very betrayed. I feel like when you’re in your VERY early 20’s and you are in the making tons of mistakes phase, your friends are the people you lean on, not the people who try to ruin you for it.

I felt much better after a few months had gone by. I had gotten very involved in her life and it was hard to break away. But once I did a weight was lifted.

Post # 6
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Over a year ago I ended a toxic friendship. My best friend of over 10 years had a severe problem with alcohol that she (and her family) refused to see. For my own sanity I had to end the friendship. At first my anger carried me through and then pride and stubbornness did. One of the hardest parts, other than losing someone who was at one time a great firend, was losing the entire group of friends. I went from having a full social calendar to feeling like I had nothing to do. I started spending time with some new people (friends from work, other groups of friends I had been neglecting). We also purchased a house so I put a lot of work into cleaning, organizing, and fixing it up.

One of the best thing to do is find a hobby to take up some of your time. I treated it like any other breakup- I stopped listening to music that reminded me of her (Matchbox 20 is noticely absent from my MP3 player. I started working out a lot to make myself feel better. I avoided places that we spent a lot of time or where I might accidently run into her (it helped that I moved to a different city).

I know how hard it is to end a friendship but you will get through it! And sometimes its not a permanent seperation even if you think it is at the time. Recently, my ex-best friend started texting me. We both apologized and are slowly rebuilding our friendship. Just a few days ago we added each other back on FB 🙂 It will be a long road to get back where we once were but I am so glad we had the year apart to grow and work on ourselves.

Post # 7
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@BlondieBrideGirl: I totally understand. My best friend and I decided to rent an apartment together, and it ultimately ruined our friendship. I met my now fiance the same month we moved in to the apartment and the next year became absolute hell with her.

She said horrible things to us and about us and became a totally different person. She was the one friend I had from high school, and we had remained very close through college and after, so it was really tough to lose her. I was going through a lot of new and exciting things at the time, and I think she felt a little lost. It sounds weird, but I definetly felt like I was grieving-I was sad, mad, hurt, angry, etc. As horrible as she was to me, there were times that I missed her. She would have been the first person I went to when I wanted to talk, needed advice, or just wanted to cry. And I didnt have that anymore. It was tough. Luckily, my fiance (boyfriend at the time) was wonderful and helped me through it. Its been about 3 years since then and I still think about her and wonder what she is up to.

Post # 8
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am so sorry to  hear this!! I know that losing friendships is hard, but sometimes is needed. Just like you said sometimes people do just grow apart, while other friendships people are able to grow but grow together! In the long run this will probably be best. I really dont have any advice for you. Try and feel better hun!!

Post # 9
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BlondieBrideGirl:  Yup, a few months ago I had a falling out with my best friend.  In truth, it was horrible.  I recovered and felt “positive” about it for awhile (like you said, everyone changes and we all go in different directions).  But she’s getting married in November and before this crapola happened, I was to be her maid of honor.  Clearly I’m not, now.

And now that things are getting more serious with my Boyfriend or Best Friend, I was planning on having her be my Maid/Matron of Honor.  She is (was) the best friend I’ve ever had and I miss everything about our friendship.

I take comfort in knowing that friendship is a two-way street (like any relationship), and I did everything I could to get our friendship back on track, but she WOULD NOT meet me half way.  She could not own up to HER shortcomings, everything was MY fault, and I can’t bear that burden.  I did what I could and she didn’t put the effort in herself.  So why waste time on somebody who clearly doesn’t want to take time out for me?

I sincerely hope you recover from this lost friendship.  It’s very hard, but it’s possible.  Seriously, 49 days out of 50, I’m happy with where I’m at, but there’s that 1 day where I wish everything could go back to normal and we could be who we were before the shit hit the fan.

Hugs comin’ your way…. I feel your pain!

Post # 10
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh yeah, I’ve been there. She was very selfish and arrogant. Eventually I sent her a very long email detailing exactly what I was upset about, and then I felt better.

Post # 11
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am also mourning the loss of a friend. We also lived together and that’s when it went south. We just disagreed on so much! I really really miss her but she refuses to reply to my messages. I just want to fix things. I want her and her children at my wedding! I really hope she responds soon. I hope your ok too.

Post # 12
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know exactly how you feel. It hurts and it is really hard. I had a friendship fall apart and it was devastating. For me, the best thing was to mourn the loss of the person you used to know and try to move on (like you said you are doing). Sometime I like to think that the old friend was abducted by aliens and replaced with her evil twin. It actually helps because she isn’t the person I used to know.

It’s funny – I thought we had the strongest friendship ever and no one had the bond that we did. I could never imagine it falling apart. But it did. What helped me get through it was that other people have had strong friendships fall apart too. I wasn’t the only one.

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve never had to break up with a friend before, because usually physical distance just took care of that for me. And I feel like you would have to treat me pretty bad at this point for me to break up with you, I barely get to see my friends anymore lately so it’s not like when I was younger and depending on them for a social life.

Post # 16
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have lost 3 very close friends consecutively over the last 5 years and it hurts like b*tch!  It is especially painful when you feel you’ve done all you can to save the friendship only to fail anyway.  What helped me get through the pain and loneliness was to focus on ME.  I reflected on the relationships and what went wrong and what my role was in the relationships going south so that if nothing else, I can avoid the same mistakes and behaviors in the future.  I am still learning as I go along, but I think I am getting better at judging characters and not just trusting every Tom, Dick and Jane.  I let my friendships build a lot more slowly and cautiously and remember that friendships are very much a two-way street.

Remember….time heals all wounds.  {{{HUGS}}}

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