Move back in with fiance or wait?

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 63
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

kara71 :  If it’s that soon, and assuming he is at all ready to marry that soon, you better get to therapy asap. 

Post # 64
Member
10854 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

kara71 :  

Bee, I am not going to judge you for bolting.  You did what you felt you needed to do at the time.  If you do, indeed, have trouble coping with conflict, then try therapy, by all means.

But, please clarify.  Is your fiancé insisting that you move back in as the only way you can fix things?  Or is this just what you believe he wants?  This is really important, Bee.  There is a lot of breathing space between No Contact and full steam ahead.  You do not have to move back in to work on your problems.  Weddings can be put on hold.  Granted, this can get messy and expensive.  It will look like a day at the beach stacked up against the messiness and expense of a divorce.

You seem very quick to want to accept all of the responsibility for your relationship problems.  The Bees are often very happy to play along. But, be careful with that.  It’s easy to allow yourself to be cast into the villain role right now.  We don’t know how bad things were when you ran.

Post # 68
Member
10854 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

kara71 :  

Ok, good.  That clarifies things quite a lot.  Bee, it’s really important that you *not* speculate on what you think he wants you to do.  Ask him.  Communicate.

You have more issues on the table now than before.  First, you never resolved the original problems.  Now, you two will have to work through your fiancé’s possible resentment and loss of trust.  That’s some heavy lifting, Bee.

Post # 69
Member
1223 posts
Bumble bee

I just want to address something here. Don’t do things unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences. There is no ‘taking a break’ in a mature relationship that involves moving out (barring extreme circumstances agreed on together). You either deal with your problems constructively through communication and working together, or you break up. If you want to keep your relationship, you can’t flit in and out of your fiance’s life and home whenever it becomes convenient for you. Relationships are SUPPOSED to be hard. It’s not easy for two people to have different backgrounds, opinions, and degrees of passion about issues to work through it all. There will be times when things are tough, when you don’t feel like talking, when you don’t want to be anywhere near your SO, when you question whether or not you still love him. The decision to marry someone means that you don’t turn tail and run when things get rough, you work through it however you have to. He TRIED to talk with you, he TRIED to show you how important you were to him, and all you showed him was how much you didn’t respect and love him enough to stick with him. What you did was selfish and cruel. It has the potential to blow up your relationship so much that he will never trust or feel secure with you again. I’ve dated men in the past who have taken off when things get tough and it destroyed our relationship. I know better now. If my fiance did what you did, in all honesty, I would call off the wedding. 

When you see him for dinner, I hope you will be sincerely apologizing for how wrong you were (without making excuses, blaming him, or justifying), and have a concrete plan on how you are going to handle issues going forward. Designate a room where you can go where you can take a break from him. Take 10-20 min timeouts during your fighting. If you need to leave, go for a walk or run some errands but let him know you will be back when you are done. Learn how to say you need some space without going nuclear. I’m strongly suggesting therapy, but you can also pick up a book too. There are lots out there on how to handle communication and fighting in a relationship. You also need to have a plan for how you and your fiance can be a united front when dealing with parents or any other outside party. 

It’s ok to need space. It’s ok to be anxious and upset. It’s NOT ok to abandon your partner. Next time you want to suggest taking a break from your relationship, expect he may want to make that a break up. 

Edited to add – don’t use your anxiety as a crutch. Lots of people have anxiety. It’s not an excuse to mistreat your parter. That’s highly insulting to everyone else who struggles with anxiety and manages to behave in a loving way toward their partners. 

Post # 70
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

strawberrysakura :  Agree with most of your post but I don’t think she’s insulting everyone who has anxiety by acting the way she did. I think this sounds like a case of poorly managed anxiety that has likely been left untreated and this was the only way she could manage it. 

Imo it’s time for her to head to a therapist to find healthier coping mechanisms.

Post # 71
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  “ The Bees are often very happy to play along.”

 

Yep. Some members here get caught up in ripping the person asking for help apart. So much so that they forget to offer any help or advice.

Post # 72
Member
1223 posts
Bumble bee

chocco :  I understand your point, but I disagree. Many people have untreated anxiety. I have it, for one. Much of my family does. I also have a disorder that isn’t visable to most people, but it impacts my life every day and I have to watch my stress levels or I can’t function properly. None of that is an excuse to abandon someone you love, or mistreat a partner. I would wager that most people with anxiety don’t just take off for weeks. Disorders are a struggle and it sucks, but I believe it does a disservice to act like they’re also an excuse for mistreatment. It’s hard enough to live with one, it’s even worse to be judged for it because of other people’s actions. 

Post # 73
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

strawberrysakura :  Nobody here knows how bad her anxiety is, and I think it’s best to not judge someone on how he or she chose to cope with it in what may well  have been a very stressful situation. Not up to anyone else to say how long is enough to get over an issue. 

I think it’s best for her to seek help to have it treated. 

Post # 74
Member
1223 posts
Bumble bee

sassy411 :  I agree that sometimes the bees can be overly harsh. I get that some people want to give the OP a bit of a pass because she has some anxiety issues, but I disagree with that. If she came on here saying that her fiance just told her he was taking off for 3 entire weeks because he’s feeling anxious about all the fighting, I don’t think a single person would think that’s acceptable. It’s one thing to be anxious and need some space, it’s entirely another to make a unilateral decision that impacts your partner and causes them pain. Making decisions like that is not anxiety, that’s just immaturity and poor communication skills. 

Post # 75
Member
3732 posts
Sugar bee

My couples counselor has a name for what happened to you. It’s called being flooded. When you are emotionally overwhelmed and fighting, some people cannot cope and shut down. In those moments, taking a break and having alone time is a completely appropriate in such a situation. Obviously moving out is taking it to the extreme, and I understand your FI’s feelings, but ita crap how bees are coming down on you. It is amazing how a cool down period can help people better work through issues with their SO’s. Talk to your Fiance about how that is useful for you perhaps, and how you can use a cool down period without moving out or hurting him in the future.

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